Forgiveness

I was working at Lakeside the other day and I was thinking about certain things going on in my life and with my family. I've realized I am a horrible person. Regarding my last post, who am I to keep my family from feeling my love and compasssion? I do not have the right to hold back that love. No matter what has happened in the past, they deserve my forgiveness. I have forgiven. And when I did, my heart just filled with joy and it lightened so much, I was super happy!! And I thought, I don't care if they don't forgive me for saying such horrible things, because I have forgiven them. I feel like I don't deserve their forgiveness anyway. I have no idea if any of this makes any sense to anyone but it does to me. And now all I want is for my grandpa to get well and for his kidney to be restored to full health.

All summer I have wanted to hear "How He Loves," and today in church, we sang it!! I was sooooo excited! Church was awesome today. The end

A Great Way to End a Great Summer

I had these plans to write about all the fun I had at camp. But at the moment, I am being lazy. I love camp. It's so much fun! So this past weekend we went on a roadtrip. All over the place. To Kdee's house. To Heather's house. To two different apartments. It was such a fun weekend! I got to see Shan before she left for China, I was worried I wouldn't be able to. So thanks Ry for driving out of your way for me, I greatly appreciated it. Kdee, I just want to say I have so much respect for you. You are such a strong person. God is amazing, isn't He? Monday night, we played hide and seek in a cornfield at night. The beautiful Heather and I took a walk to find a much needed bathroom. It was an adventure indeed. Then we played Sardines in Walmart. I won! I leave for Oz tomorrow. I am so super excited!!! Yesterday was interesting for me. I was happy, sad, frustrated, worried, mad, etc. Sometimes I just wish my fam was Christian, but I guess they're not for a reason. I feel like this blog isn't me at all. Idk. I just don't feel like blogging but I'm going to anyway. I'm just so frustrated at boys and and getting very impatient. I just wish something would happen already. I don't know how to explain it. I'm sick of being patient. I'm sick of pretending I'm fine when I'm really not. I'm sick of people's expectations of me. I've recently decided not to have expectations of people because if I don't then they can never disappoint me. Also, if I don't have expectations of someone, then they can totally catch me off guard by doing something nice and unexpected. Haha. It reminds of a saying, "Always expect the unexpected." I don't really know where this is going. I just know I'm in a very blah mood and just rambling on and on. My grandpa's kidney is falling apart and has to start kidney dialysis soon. For reasons I'd rather not talk about right now, I don't really care. Is that horrible of me? He wants to give up on life and I don't really blame him. He's almost 70, obese, and can't really do much of anything anymore. Honestly, what does he have to live for? And he himself has said these things. I kind of agree with him. So he is really against doing dialysis because he's sick of living. It's not like he's suicidal or anything though. I thought I had forgiven him but now I'm starting to see I haven't. I feel horrible. I can't help thinking it was my fault. I need to forgive myself too. Because right now, I don't like myself very much. I pray that God helps me see myself the way He sees me. I pray He lends me His eyes so I can look inside myself and think, "Wow, I am more beautiful than I thought." This post is getting very melancholy. I don't like writing melancholy posts. I feel like it's cliche. On a slightly brighter note, my fave part of this past weekend was....ALL of it!! I had so much fun! Thanks again Ry for driving to the middle of nowhere to get me. Btw, Mr. Tumnus says "Hi" and he wishes you had visited him ;-) Zai-Jian my lovely peeps!

<3 Dee