You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter

I'm back in Oswego after being home for a week. It was really nice being home. There was one point where me and my mom kinda argued, but it didn't last long. They asked me what I wanted to do when I graduated. THat question never gets old, haha. I told them all I really wanted to do was missions. They want me to check out the Americorps because they will be able to help me pay off student loans. I don't think they realize I don't want to get paid doing God's work. I just want to give it all up and follow Him wherever He wants me to go. They just don't want me to have to rely on other people to support me in doing missions. I know they just love me and want the best for me, which is understandable. My dad said last night, he's always telling my mom how much he misses me. My mom knows I don't have much food here at the apartment, so she sent me back with some fruit and granola bars and sausage and bacon and a cake mix and some of those Pasta Sides things. Bless her heart.

Yesterday was Christmas, for those who didn't know :-P My siblings and I didn't get a lot because of financial problems. But it was perfectly fine with me. I honestly didn't care about the presents. I appreciate them, don't get me wrong, but if I hadn't gotten any, I would have been perfectly okay with it. Christmas just isn't the same for me anymore. Sure, it might be because I am older and wiser, haha, but I don't think that's it. I'm just not satisfied with it, and I want it to be much more meaningful for me and my family. I mean, it is meaningful, but I want it to be more special. I don't know.

I'm here by myself right now. I don't mind it at the moment, but I know later on, when I get tired of the silence, it's going to be a little harder. I'll probably start talking to myself, haha. Not really. I got my Itunes going, so I think I'll be okay. And if worst comes to worst, I'll just talk to God :) He's sure to listen!

As I go through older blog posts, I see how much I have changed and matured. Well, I think I have, haha. Honestly though, it's ahrd to believe that it was ME who wrote those posts. Sometimes I ask myself, "Who was that person??" There are things I've written that I don't think I would write today. There are emotions that would drive me to write a post, but not anymore. Anger was a big one. I've realized it's not good for me to write a blog post when I'm angry. Maybe if it's rightous anger, yes. Like anger towards Satan or something, but if it's anger towards a person, it's best for me to not write it here. Censorship saves lives! Actually, no. It just sounded fun to say :-D

Tomorrow, I am going grocery shopping. I have $55 worth of Walmart gift cards. Shopping spree! Today, though, I relax and do nothing except unpack and shower. Fun stuff!

Facebook statuses that didn't make the cut

I have huge motivation problems.

It seems as if history is beginning to repeat itself. I sure hope not.

I can honestly say I cannot wait to go home and get away for a few days.

Sometimes, I just can't help but do a huge eye roll.

Confused? That's okay. You don't have to understand. Only I do.

Good day.

I always try too hard to think of titles

It is finally winter in Oswego. Yes it is. I was excited about it at first, but now I jsut want it to be over already, haha. It is beautiful though. I've realized that the sky, the sun, the moon and the stars are my favorite part of God's creation. I am always so awestruck by the bright sunsets, and sunrises, and then the subtle, darker night sky with the moon and stars shining brightly (if it's not cloudy). And sometimes, even the clouds add to the amazing beauty. Yeah. Not sure what brought that on, but oh well. Jsut thought I'd share.

Continuing forward, people need to start sleeping in their own beds. I don't care who it is or what their excuse is, it's just not cool. Things like that can reflect badly on us as Christians, get people who don't know us well thinking negatively about who we are and whether we really believe what we say we do or not. Enough said on that.

I was sitting in my Sophomore Seminar, one of the most boring classes I have ever had, and I was lost in my own thoughts. All of a sudden, I came to a wonderful realization. It was actually because this girl was talking about something that happened when she was in the ROTC. It made me think back to high school, when I was exploring future paths after graduation. At the time, I was the goody two shoes and pretty much did whatever my parents said. They decided to have me look into joining the ROTC, so that afterward, I would be able to get a free college education. So one day, there was a recruit at my school and my mom and I went to talk to him. Come to find out, I weighed too much to join. I have always struggled with my weight, and I've always been self-conscious of it. But in class today, it hit me that at that moment in time, my being on the heavier side was a blessing. Why, may you ask? Let me tell you. Because if I had been able to join, who knows where I'd be now, but it probably wouldn't be right here, sitting in this crowded computer lab, reflecting on God's blessings. I probably wouldn't be saved, and what not. But because I couldn't join due to my weight, I am sitting here in this crowded computer lab, saved and reflecting on God's blessings in my life. How about that?

There's this wonderful book I'm reading, whose title shall remain anonymous. I was talking to Lisa about it and how I wished everyone could read it. And I said something about how it would be cool if there was a book study on it or something. And she said, "Well, maybe you're the one who's supposed to lead the book study." I found it really interesting. I usually hate discussion groups, let alone having to lead one. But I'm learning to keep different windows of opportunity open because you never know what God is going to do in your life. Maybe He does want me to, maybe He doesn't. It's definitely something I will be praying about.

On anything else I might have to say, I plead the 5th. Good day ladies and gents.

How Wonderful

I love that song. It's such a beautiful love song we get to sing to our God. My favorite line is "You captivate our hearts." I long to be truly captivated by You. I want to be in awe of Your glory.

This morning I woke up and I was in a super good mood. I still am. At worship night, I was thinking about things, and then I had a sort of vision. I was standing in front of a mountain and I was looking aound it. I knew I could just walk aound it, but being the sometimes dumb people we are, I just stood there, continuing to stare at this mountain and the paths I could take to get around it. I knew where this mountain vision fits into my life. It's kind of weird, but I know as long as I keep my focus on Jesus, and not make mistakes I've made in the past, I will be able to move forward to the other side. That's all I got to say on that subject. Amen. Halleluja'r.

I've also come to realize that sometimes I find it hard to love on people. This is because sometimes I see flaws in them that I see in mysel, flaws I don't like, and so it makes it hard to see past that when it comes to other people. I've heard it said that in order to love other people, you have to love yourself. I'm beginning to see the truth in this statement. There are still things I'm working on, thing I'm realizing need to be kept in check and cut out of my life. And I know I can do it with Jesus by my side. But without Him, it's doomed to failure! Yeppers.

Ho voglia di cioccolata. Good night, and good luck. May the peace of the Lord be with you. And also with you. Amen.

Freezing Fingers

Breeerghh. Don't ask. Haha. I feel ready to explode. I don't know how long I can hold this in. I'm surprised I've held out for as long as I have. I've been having battles in my mind and although me and God are winning, I don't know how long I can last before giving in. I need to talk to someone, but I'm too afraid to, which is weird, because it's not really anything to be ashamed of. Satan is just trying to keep this area of my life dark and desolate, and I need to let God shine His light on it. Get behind thee, Satan!

This has nothing to do with my vagueness above, but last night, CT came to BASIC. Afterward, Kyle came up to me and talked about how when they were speaking, he thought of me and how my face lights up whenever I talk about Hong or Jing or Chen Shen. He encouraged me to go talk to the CT people. I didn't because I didn't think I was called to China, but now I'm kind of second guessing that. I guess what I'm trying to say is I have no idea where I'm going for missions, but I do know I want to go. I think I want to try a shorter missinon trip first to kind of test out the water, ya know?


Ready...set...KABOOM!

BASIC Conference Fall 2010...and the after effects

As I think all of you know, this past weekend was the BASIC Conference! Honestly, I wasn't very excited about it until we were on the road there. The hotel was so nice! I can't wait to go back there in the spring. Tonight at BASIC, we are going to be sharing our testimonies about what God did in our lives this past weekend. I've been thinking a lot about this. I have to say, he didn't really do any one specific thing, it was all little things in a way.

For example, I've had this desire to do missions work overseas somewhere, and Saturday night, during the missions alter call, I just felt God breaking my heart for the lost, not only here in the U.S, but in foreign countries as well. He made that desire within me so much stronger. I really want to be able to go to NYC during winter break, but with taking one, possibly two winter classes and working, I don't think it is going to happen :-/ I also want to try out a short term missions trip to see if I like it before committing to something long term.
Also, Friday night, Ron Luce talked about cleaning out our junkyard and finding restoration through God. I have so much junk (and I'm not talking about my trunk! :-P) that I've acknowledged but never really actually tried getting rid of. But now, I have been more encouraged to do so. One thing God placed in me is a better sense of self-worth and confidence.

For the past couple weeks, I felt so unworthy of not only His love, but unworthy of love from friends and family. I felt as if I didn't deserve to have friends. I felt ugly, inside and out. *Cue Monster by Skillet* haha. But God tore those feelings down this weekend. Those thoughts had led me toward a couple different paths. It was like there was three in front of me, and instead of choosing the one Jesus was on, I was tempted to try going down one of the other two, and sometimes both. I'm glad I didn't!

I have also learned I need to learn to love people and see them through God's eyes because sometimes I have a hard time doing that, with saved and unsaved people alike. I think with this love comes patience. Some people require us to have more patience with them than other people. When we are patient, it helps us to better focus on the good qualities of that person and not just the negative. I also really really want to try Toby's 20/20 Reading Plan. I should start that tonight! No, not I should, I WILL! When he was talking about it and stuff, I got really excited about reading the Word again, I don't want ot see it as a chore. I want to learn and grow from the words God has written.

And then there was last night. It was INTENSE! It was a blessing to be able to share that night with B-Luke. I will conitnuously be praying for him to not fall back into what he's been struggling with. It really struck a chord within me, being there and being able to take part in it. I think it will be a very memorable night for all of us, especially him. You could tell it was hard for him to make that confession and by doing so, he humbled himself and made himself so vulnerable. I couldn't hold back the tears. I pray Jesus remains victorious in his life. Our God is greater, our God is stronger! So yeah. God has been continuously amazing and surprising me everyday. Woot woot!

P.S. I am in love....with my Ipod touch :-D

It's gettin' hot in here....

First there were these things: We FINALLY have heat. Yay! I hate to sound unappreciative or whatever, but sometimes I feel like it gets a little stuffy in here. This is one thing I hate about having a higher body heat than most people. I get hot really fast. But I guess it's better than no heat. I also got an 800 dollar refund check in the mail, from my TAP Grant so it's completely free money! I just purchased an Ipod Touch online. I'm really excited!

Then there were other things. Every day, I hear Satan whispering lies into my heart. Like, "IF you don't do this, you won't ever be this way," or "If you do this, then this will happen and you'll be more liked." I know I can't listen to them, because that would just be foolish of me. And yet, this is something I think about at least once everyday, sometimes 2 or 3 times. I'm fighting so hard to not listen to his empty promises that will lead me nowhere except a road I'd rather not go down. Sometimes, I'm filled with a self-hate and it's just not right. So, yeah.

I got nothin' else. Ciao!

Jesus makes for a great topic of conversation

I feel like it's been a weird couple of days. I don't even know how to explain it. Last night was interesting. And good. I really enjoyed the hangout. I can't remember the last time I laughed so much, and so hard. Good times, good times. It seems like it's been so long since we've just sat around and talked about Jesus for as long as we did. I've missed it. I really liked hearing peoples' testimonies again. Especially yours, Reggie and Ms. Cruz! Some things were brought up that have made me really thoughtful and contemplative. Like the whole gifts thing. I need to pray for God to shed light on what mine are. Sometimes, I get the feeling I have the gift of healing, but I've never actually tried utilizing it. Okay, I'm hospitable, but is it wrong or selfish of me to want more than that? I don't think so because they're gifts freely given to us by God. He's waiting for us to ask for more. He wants to bless us with them. He wants to give them to us in the hopes we'll use them to glorify His name and further His Kingdom.

Then there was the whole best friends convo. I just want someone to say they're afraid of losing me as a best, or even close, friend. And I'm not saying I'm jealous or anything because I'm really not. I think it is safe to say that I am afraid of losing touch with quite a few people. There are some friends I know I am going to lose and I can accept that, but there are others I'd rather not lose, ya know?

I don't know where to go with this. I'm not sure what kind of reactions something like this is going to cause. I know the reactions I don't want it to cause. That's all I am willing to say at this moment. What I want to say will be said to whomever it affects in due time.

Kapiesh? Kapiesh.

Bedtime???

I am SO tired, and I'm not really sure why. I mean, I was up at 6:15, but usually after my work shift, I'm much more awake. Today, though, I've been tired since I woke up. It took what little energy I have not to fall asleep in the two classes I had today. Weird.

In other news, I wish I was more excited for the Conference. I'm excited, but not to the same extent I usually am. I dunno. Maybe that'll change soon. Sometimes, I want to be a rebellious Christian, and do things completely unlike me. Sometimes, these things I know would be big mistakes and so I refrain from doing them. Am I the only one who has ever felt this way? I am also really tempted to make a very unwise financial decision regarding an Ipod touch. I found another one for 150. I want one SO bad, and this Friday, I will have enough to get one, but I should really save that money for rent. Ugh, what to do, what to do.

At Bible Study last night, we were talking about how sometimes God takes peoples' lives because He knows if He doesn't, they are going to turn completely away from Him. This is amazing to me, that God loves us so much and would rather us be in Heaven with Him forever than for us to continue living our lives, but without Him in them. He would rather cut our lives short so we have eternal life than let us live a long life, but not end up in the Kingdom. Wow. Just wow.

I failed my first Italian test. Yay. Go me. I have to do better next time, I have to! I will! It's definitely not a 12th grade Spanish class. This class makes that one seem like a breeze. Our professor even told us that one semester of Italian 101 is equal to 4 years of Italian in high school. Talk about intense.

I felt like blogging, I've been feeling it for awhile, and there ya have it. Arrivaderci!

Reverse

Okay, so my last post was in surrender to my mind. Deep in my heart, I know none of those things I wrote about is true. My identity is in Christ, and in Him I AM special. I AM spiritual. I DO stand out, in my own way. I can't let my tricky little mind tell me different. No way. I guess I need to learn to not write about fleeting feelings, ones I know aren't going to last very long. I dunno. I guess life is one big learning experience. And right now, I am learning more and more about who I am in God, and not who I am in Satan, because he has no power in my life!

Leftover Thoughts and Emotions

High expectations. Disappointment. Disheartened. Guilty. Shame. Disencouraged.

These are all things I felt last night. I went to the prophecy service with high hopes and expecting God to really move in my life. And when it didn't happen, I was disappointed. I felt discouraged because I could have used encouragement so much, but I didn't receive any. And then I felt guilty and ashamed for having these kinds of thoughts and feelings. I felt like, and still do feel like, I'm not special enough, or spiritual enough, or I don't stand out enough, to receive word. I went in with high hopes, and I came out with those hopes dashed. I hated that I came out of a church service, especially a special one, feeling discouraged because that's not what church is supposed to instill in you. When we left church, I had to keep humming worship songs to keep my stupid emotiona ltears from coming out. I did love worship though. I thought it was amazing.

So all in all, I did not enjoy last night's service very much. I hate to say it. All these emotions were coming at me and I didn't know what to do with them. I still don't. Pray, I suppose. Read the Word.

I have a living room and bedroom to clean.

Just a Dream

There are times when I look at his pictures and smile fondly. There are times when I look at his pictures and sadness overcomes me. Sometomes, there's a tiny hope in me that one day we'll wake up and this'll all have been a dream and he'll be here. But I also know it's never going to happen. It's so amazing the lives he touched, the way he let the light of God shine so brightly through him.

Sometimes, your smile still gets to me, nad I can't help but feel a kind of regret. However, I know this is for the best, and I'm not letting it get me down.

Yup.

MADSEX (Gotta Love Pastor Carter!)

Can I just say church on Friday really impacted me, more than any church service I have ever been to, which is kind of ironic because I did doze off a few times, haha. Pastor Carter just really spoke to my heart. God definitely used him to reach me!

And then in church today, Pastor Beaumont mentioned how if something he's said has touched our heart, we should focus on it and let the Holy Spirit do His work where He needs to. On Friday night, when we came back, I really wanted to take a walk or something to really reflect on the service and God, but I didn't. I got so caught up in Ghost Whisperer and sleeping. Oops. Also, we had four "new" people come to church with us. It hit me that we really need to pray our hearts out for them, so we don't lose them to Satan. It's saddening to see people come to church or BASIC once and then just disappear. We have to stop letting it happen. How? I don't know. I just know we need to really and truly pray that these people don't fade away like so many have.

I'm tired.

Heart of Worship

I realized something today. So many times, people judge the quality of their worship on the quality of the person leading worship. It really shouldn't be like that. Like, in Church. It shouldn't matter if the person leading isn't the best at it. I think what matters, or should matter, is the amount of heart you yourself put into it. Putting all of your being into worship is going to give you a better worship experience than merely singing the words and relying on the worship leader to enhance your worship experience. I hate phrasing it that way, but I can't think of a better way, haha. Like even if there's not that great of a worship leader, it doesn't mean you can't fully experience the presence of God. It's all about how much you're willing to put into it. I have so often judged whether I like worship or not based on whether I like the songs or not, or whether the worship is my kind of style or not. Worship is worship. None of that should matter and yet it does.



To go further with my last post about missions, I was telling Beth Smith (BASIC faculty advisor and I work with her at my workstudy job) about my human trafficking class. She said that it's sad, but important to be aware of, because you never know where God has called you to go. I'm wondering if this is kind of a sign. Hmmmm.



Now, onto reading The Iliad....or watch people play Wii, haha. Ciao!

Bouncy Balls of Thought

This is just random little things I've wanted to blog about. Today was the first day of classes! Of my senior year! If all goes as planned, I will be graduating on time. Exciting, yet terrifying. I am really nervous about life after college. When Igraduated high school, it felt like you spent the rest of your life in college. Not so. Not that I'd want to anyway. When people ask me what I'm going to do with my English degree, I tell them I have no idea. It kind of makes me feel like I'm going nowhere in life. Which kind of leads into my next thing. I have an idea of what I want to do, it's just not something most people would understand or find as a "successful career." I mean, how do you explain that to people who live in a secular world and have adopted secular beliefs?It's been on my heart for awhile to do something with women's ministries in like Cambodia, or Mexico.

Today, in my History 381 class (A History of Human Trafficking), we watched a movie about girls who are taken from like China, Russia, Czech Republic, etc and brought to NYC to be forced into the sex slave trade. It was so sad. It was hard for me to not cry. My heart was hurting for the girls. And to realize that it is a real life huge problem, especially here in the U.S. where it's supposed to be land of the free. Not always true unfortunately. I think this lass is going to really affect my decision to work in women's ministry. One problem I have though is how to get from A to B. How do I go from being a college student to being a spot of hope for women in other countries?

Seeing as classes have started, I'm kind of worried that I'm never going to see my housemates, because of all our different, crazy schedules. And then I'm also afraid I'm not going to get to see on-campus people very often, because of their schedules as well. I don't know. Perhaps I'm wrong.

Here's to a new semester. Bombs away.

Summer Survivor 2010!

So I have to tell you guys about the fun I had yesterday! It was the end of the year staff schindig. Only the people who planned it knew what was going on. No one else had any idea what was happening. First, we went (there was a tractor and it had a trailer hooked to it with benches so we rode it like we were on a hayride type of deal) to what we call "the rock," which is this huge rock that extends like 20-30 feet out of a small pond. We usually jump off the rock into the water, but this time, some of the staff put together a pulley system where a cable ran from one tree across a part of the pond to the other side. Attached to the pulley was an orange rope with two handles tied in it. We had to climb a ladder leaning against the tree the cable was tied to, and then grab the handles and jump. When we jumped, we would zip across the cable, and end up low enough where we could let go and fall into the water. It was SO much fun! I only did it once, but it was really cool! I was super nervous at first, but I figured I'd give it a shot. I'm glad I did.

And then in the water, there were huge noodles and cow mats (large black rubber like squares). There were four of us on one of them. We decided to try to tip it and make one of the people fall off. When we did tip it, we all went in the water. One of the people on it was a 7 year old who was wearing a life jacket. We had noticed she wasn't above water, so we lifted the cow mat up and she popped up. I have never seen someone so scared before. I looked into her eyes and could see the wild fear in them. It was easy to see she had been panicking, can't say I blame her. I grabbed her as she started crying. After about five minutes, she calmed down and she was okay. She stayed in the water. It was so cool watching her and a 4 year old doing the zip and dip. They were fearless, for the most part. And, we all got a black t-shirt that says, Camp Oswegatchie Zip and Dip, Summer 2010 Survivors Only" in bright green on the back. They're pretty awesome.

After we swam and hung out for awhile, we came back and played volleyball while we waited for dinner to arrive. Again, no one really knew what we were having. Turns out, the owners of a local restaurant (and one of staff's fave places to dine, Jeb's) came. They brought lots of wings, BBQ ribs, grilled and crispy chicken wraps, caesar and cobb salads, chicken tenders and nachos with spinach-artichoke dip. No one went away hungry, let me tell you! And then, we played kickball.

After that, we were instructed to go down to Getman, the leadership building. When we walked in there were stacks of mattresses and a projector set up. We all laid the mattresses out and laid on them. There was also lots of food. So much food. Caramel corn, ice cream (with stuff to make sundaes), chips, soda, iced tea and stuff to make mocktails. We had also been told to bring a blanket and pillow. We watched a slideshow of pictures from throughout the summer. After that, we watched a movie (which I wasn't fond of because it was mostly all about sex and sexual relations between counselors at a summer camp). Once the movie was over, most of the staff played a few random games. And then we watched another movie. I can't tell you how it was because I fell asleep during it (surprised, anyone? :-P). When that movie was over, most of us had planned on sleeping in there. I tried but there was too much goofing around and talking going on so I went back to my own room and slept like a rock.

And that was the staff extravaganza. It was soooooo much fun! And now Greek Week has started, and they spend the whole week vegetarian, so to respect their wishes (they're all Greek Orthodox), everyone has to go meatless. It kind of stinks, but whatever. It'll be a fun week. :)

Gettin' Back in the Race!

I've been having a "Woe is me" attitude for the past few months. It wasn't pretty. I was losing hope and faith. I didn't think God was listening to my prayers, so I stopped praying. And then my mom (who has been having horrible health problems lately) sent me a Facebook message asking me to add her to my nightly prayers because she's sick again and things aren't looking good. So I told her I would. From her message, I realized it wouldn't be good for me to give up on Him and lose all hope, because then my family would be even farther away from being saved. By giving up on God, I'd be giving up on the possibility of their Salvation. Totally not cool. I mean, the only thing I would gain from giving up would be a farther distance from the Kingdom. I had two random Bible passages pop into my head. So I opened my Bible and read Galatians 5 and 6. It was definitely what I needed to read. :) So now I am going to re-enter the fight with a renewed spirit! Go Jesus!

Everyday, I am reminded why I love camp so much! It's been amazing, and right now, there's nowhere else I'd rather be. This like my home away from my other two homes :D The other night, Krystal and I got in a fight, and then I saw her walking with Mindy to her cabin. I assumed they were going to talk about me so I told them to have fun talking about me. I probably shouldn't have, but I was angry at the time. Two staff members were with me (Ken, the other cook's assistant and Spencer, the assistant Ropes Course director). Spencer said, "That's why you have your brothers here!" It made me smile. And then today, I told Karen I would be gone Aug 5th, but I really wanted to be back for the banquet that night because Ken will be getting his paddle for working 4 summers. And she said she wanted me to be here because I couldn't miss my big brother's night. That, again, made me smile. Here at camp, it's like one big family, and it definitely feels like it. Can yo uimagine if all these people were Christian?? It'd be one awesome Christian family. let me tell you! :)

Hope y'all are having a wonderful summer!

He was saying "I love you" the only way he knew how

Today was my sister, Krystal's, high school graduation. It was nice. I was okay with not crying until the end and the graduates were filing out of the gymnasium. I looked over at my dad, and he was crying and had tissues in his hand. Seeing the soft side of my dad always melts my heart and I ended up teary eyed myself. I get annoyed during award ceremonies because the same five kids always get 95% of the awards. Today was no different. It was also really cool though because one girl was in Portugal as a foreign exchange student for the last half of her senior year and won't be arriving at the Syr. airport until midnight tonight. She was the salutatorian so they had her record her speech via webcam and then played it during graduation. She's actually the daughter of the guy who played Charlie Bucket in the original Willy Wonka movie.

After the ceremony, we went to this 50's style diner called The Soda Fountain. It was really cool and now one of my top 3 favorite restaurants. The waitresses were in poodle skirts and there were cardboard cutouts of stars who were famous in the 50's, like Elvis and Marilyn Monroe. A lot of the menu items were named after cars made in the 50's. I had double cheese burger and fries. Before that came, I had some homemade Italian bread. After that, me and my youngest sister split a delicious sundae that had soft vanilla ice cream, peanut butter, and fudge swirls. I was so full by that time, but it was yummy!

And now I am back at camp, contemplating napping because I am tired! I had to be up at 6/7 am every morning for the past week. Might as well get used to it, haha.

I've decided I don't like blogging about my innermost thoughts and emotions. I think the main reason is because emotions are constantly changing. I can be annoyed at a person one day and then perfectly fine with them the next day. So there's no point in blogging about an emotion if you know it's not going to last. That's my opinion anyway. I think this might actually be my last blog for awhile because I feel like I never have anything to blog about anymore. My life at camp is pretty much the same everyday. I help cook and prepare food in the kitchen most of the day and then I relax and hang out with staff at night. If something really exciting happens, that I think is blogworthy, then sure I'll hop on here. But if not, then what's the use?

Take luck! (It's a camp thing) :D

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

I just had some fun playing around with Blogger's new Designer feature. I even changed my blog a little, nothing too major though.

I just got back from Krystal's Senior Music Awards. It was awesome! I ended up teary eyed many times. There are seniors who give a final solo. And their parents introduce them. So this one kid's, Aaron's, parents went up there and it was so cute, his dad could barely talk because he was crying so hard. And then Aaron went up and hugged him. During his intro, his mom said a few Christian-y things, and then said he would be singing "Here I Go Again," by Casting Crowns. I'm pretty sure I've heard the song once or twice but not enough for me to fully recognize it. Tears were streaming down my face, it was so touching. It was actually slightly encouraging for me. The song, I mean.

So my sister had a brunch thing for work today. Afterward, she came to pick me up from camp. As soon as we got home, my mom asked her why her eyes were glassy, and come to find out, she had drank around 1:30. So she had come and got me at the risk of getting caught drinking and driving by the police. Or getting in an accident. My mom said if she had known she was drinking and driving, she wouldn't have allowed her to come get me, and I wouldn't have wanted her to. She's had to pay almost 1,000 in various speeding tickets. She's beginning to scare me with her reckless actions. My mom said she lies constantly, and is always yelling at them. I think there's more of our biolgical mom in her than she would like to admit. Sigh.

Being home, and at camp, has put me back in touch with my roots. Today, while me and another staff member were painting, we listened to country music, and it made me kind of miss it. And then seeing all the cows, and smelling the cow manure. There really is no place like home. For me, at least.

Tomorrow is my mom and dad's 12 year anniversary. I think I am going to give them money to go out to dinner. They deserve some time to themselves.

Mmk, I'm outta here.

Tip of the Iceberg

Currently, I am watching Avatar with some of the camp staff who is here so far. It's been a really good movie so far. I especially like the imagery of the forest at night, when everything glows, so beautiful! I really like hanging out with them. They're all a lot of fun. Most of them. There's one person who no one really likes, so it's going to be an interesting summer.

The negative thoughts I had awhile ago are coming back. I'm reaching that point again. I don't want to be at that point again. I've been able to see how my group of camp friends is different from my Christian friends and I've realized some interesting things that have kind of pushed me further to that point. Where I don't want to end up. Soemtimes I wish there was more honesty. Instead of giving me only half, give me all. I can handle it.

Lord, pour forth Your love over me. Fuel a fire and passion in my heart so strong no one can put it out. Fill my life with a joy like I've never known. Lord, I long to live for You, and You alone. Bring peace and a sense of calm into my life. Rid me of any anger and bitterness. Lord, change me completely into the person You have purposed me to be. Use me in ways that glorify You. Father, I need You so much. Probably more than even I realize. God, I pray I use this summer to draw me ever closer to You. In Jesus' name, amen.

Summer of Revival

It's hard enough trying to deal with my own doubts, I don't need anyone else lecturing me about why this apartment is a bad idea, and suggesting ways to get out of the lease. I tell them it's going to be okay, if only to get them to not go on and on about it. It usually doesn't even work. I have my own worries, so having to listen to their worries does not help anything at all. Blah.

Camp in a few days! I kind of can't wait. I feel like my summer will really get underway, ya know? I'm going to try really hard to dedicate my summer to reviving my relationship with God. Because, to be honest, it's nowhere near where it could be. Time to fix that! I know fixing my eyes on that will help alleviate some of the doubts I'm struggling with. So let's get to it, Lord! I think I'm going to refer to this summer as the summer of revival, at least in my own spiritual walk. I think we're going to get a storm tonight, I just heard thunder.

Sometimes, I feel like being angry at him would be so much easier, because then there's no room to miss him. But I can't stay angry at him, I just can't, which leaves me missing him more than I want. I just can't help how I feel, but I know as summer goes on and I dig my roots deeply and firmly in the Lord, these feelings will subside.

I'm not sure when I'll be back on here, hopefully not too long, haha. Anyway, toodles!

August, can you get here fast please?

I know I shouldn't be wishing my life away, so to speak, but I want August to get here. I feel like once I'm at camp, my summer will really be underway. I know that time will start flying. I think Sundays will be the worst days for me, because I won't be able to go to Church. Today was the first time since January that I haven't gone to Church. I don't like it. Therefore, to help a little, I am downloading a whole mess of podcasts, mostly from Abundant Life, that I can listen to. It's not the same, but it'll have to do.

I kinda feel lonely here at home. I spend hours on my computer, not even really doing anything. I feel like my days are wasted. I think every night so far, I've been in bed by midnight. Takes a lot of getting used to. I've begun re-reading The Shack, and I've realized some things I hadn't before, things I had read, but didn't really have a meaning, and now they do. My little sister wants to read it. That makes me happy. Yep yep. I think I might go take a walk. Wanna join?? Haha.

I just got a letter (sung to the tune of the Blues Clues song)

Can I freak out yet? Just got a letter from our wonderful landlord, Douglas, saying I owe 800 still by June 1st. Guess who doesn't have it??? Me! Guess who's gonna have to pay late fees?? Me! Yippee yippee joy joy. I wish there was someone I could borrow money from, but no one I know has that kind of money. I'm freakin out slightly. We're supposed to get our keys by June 1st. Can't even do that. I'm going to be pretty much poor for the next year. I can't help but think, maybe this wasn't such a good idea. I dunno. No use crying over spilled milk, I guess. Just have to see where this all goes. Hopefully, nowhere bad. Haha.

I'm going to go outside or something. Maybe gather some money from our money tree out back. Haha.

When a heart breaks, no, it don't break even

My fingers are dirty. I've been weeding my dad's gardens, just for something to do. I actually like it. There's a country gal for ya.



I want to talk to someone about everything going through my mind, but I feel like people will get sick of listening to me. I guess that's what blogging is for, hmmm? It's hard for me to listen to songs about love and guys unless it's a song like, "Bulletproof." Because when I do, I feel a small stab of pain in my heart. I know God's working on it, but I can still feel it. I want to see him, if only to see how he's holding up because I know this has to be hard for him too, but at the same time, I don't want to know. I want to email him, but at the same time, I don't want to contact him. I'm worried about next semester in the apartment, about how awkward it could potentially be. I know when I see him next, I'm going to want to hug him, and cry at the same time. Is it wrong for me to feel this way? All I need is a small trigger to put me into broken heart mode. I feel like I make no sense. But that's ok. I'm not writing this for anyone but me, as a way to get my feelings written out. Sure, we didn't spend a ton of time together, but I still cared, a lot. When we did spend time together, they were happy times. One of my only regrets is that we didn't spend more time together.

My mom just got back from the hospital. She has gauze in her nose to help control the bleeding, and there's gauze taped to her nostrils. Not a pretty sight. I just want my family to be healthy. When will the physical healing begin? When? I sense my dad's heart growing more and more bitter toward the world. When will enough be enough? These are questions that run through my mind daily. And God, I know You're the answer, but it's hard whe nthey won't even let You in, when they won't let me bring You in. It's heartbreaking.

On that note, I'm going to go weed some more.

All the Single Ladies revised

So I wrote a post and decided there was some things I didnt want in it so I deleted it and decided to wrote this one instead :D Friday night, I experienced my first break up. I should have seen it coming due to the way he had been acting toward me a couple days beforehand. When I first read the message, it hadn't hit me yet. But when I left Ryan's room and went back to my own, I re-read it and then the tears started falling. I kinda wished my roommate had been there to give me a hug and comfort me. The next day was tough. I was constantly on the verge of tears, and ready to cry at any moment. I did cry in my dad's truck on the way home but he either didn't notice or ignored it. He was mad at me, again, not really going to get into it. I got home and my youngest sister was the only one who asked me what was wrong because I seemed sad. I told her I was and she asked why but I told her I didn't want to talk about it at the moment. I lvoe her, I know this isn't right to say, but she's my fave sister.
We ate dinner and then I decided to take a walk in the woods behind my house. I had myself another cryfest and spent time listening to my Ipod and praying. God pretty much told me it would be okay and that the only man I need is Jesus. So at the moment, I am perfectly happy with not having a boyfriend. God has completely taken my tears and hurt away. Sure, I'm still a little angry, but I know in time, that too will fade.


I think it is highly unlikely I will be able to make it to Oswego this summer. The only person who I know would have been willing to take me (my older sister) plans on spending every free weekend she has at her new boyfriend's house, she met him online, ugh. I hate dating sites. So yeah. It's going to stink. I was actually kind of glad about leaving Oswego, but kind of not. One of the reasons I didn't want to no longer exists. I'm gald he did it right before we all had to leave, because it'll give me time to get over it. Someone told me his breaking up with me would be good for us. At first, it was hard for me to believe. But now I see, you were right :)

I actually had a good day today. My mom made french toast for breakfast and then we all kind of just hung out. Me and my brother and younger sister and her friend decided to play croquet. I attempted a tan at the same time. I got a little sun but not enough to make any difference, haha. Then we ate Sunday dinner, and hung out some more. It's been a very relaxing and nice day. This week I'll be spending most of my time going through my stuff and getting rid of things and packing for Camp, which I leave for on Thursday or Friday.

Peace out homies.

Fire Extinguishers Are Red

I feel empty. Lately, I feel like my heart is a shell and nothing is inside it. At prayer tonight, I didn't even feel very convicted about things, like I usually do. I feel like the fire that has been in my heart has been extinguished. I just go through my days, not really having anything to look forward to. Why can't I get myself excited for You, God? I was on fire just a week ago and now, poof, it's gone. Not cool. Reminds me of the song, "The Motions." That's where I'm at, just going through the motions.

I realized tonight I haven't forgiven her for the words she said that cut deeply into my heart. I hadn't realized just how deep those cuts ran. I find my heart is still bitter toward her. It makes me wonder if I'm as easily forgiving as people think I am.

Anyway, I have a ton to do. May the peace of the Lord be with you. And also with me. Haha.

BSR

Last night, I loved it when we were praying and then someone said something about needing a Bridge Street Revival. I really liked that. It's so true though. So many people looking to fill their emptiness with something that will only make them feel emptier. It saddens me so much. It's weird though. Like last year, I never felt as convicted about things as I have this year. Go Holy Spirit! There's a tiny part of me that wonders though.

Del Sarte Dance Recital tomorrow! I am really excited. I'm so proud of you guys (meaning Ryan, Heather, Shonda)! It's going to be amazing, and I look forward to it. You guys worked so hard. I'm happy that the DiPierro's are coming. So nice of them :)

I kind of want this next week to go by slowly. At least I get to stay until Saturday to watch my Ms. Cruz gradumatate. Bittersweet. We watched a movie today, called Hidden Secrets. It was surprisingly good. I got a little teary eyed at times, but it was overall a pretty good movie. One part that really touched me was....shoot, I forgot. Let me get back to you on that. I loved the song they sang in the dance place. Twas a good 'un. It dealt with a lot of controversial issues like premarital sex, abortion, homosexuality. I'd watch it again. Especially so I can remember my favorite part, I think it was a quote or something like that. Anyway, yeah, good movie.

Sometimes I still can't get over how much people change. Especially when you have watched that change and knew there's nothing you can do to stop it. Sometimes I get sad. Oh well. Guess all we can really do is pray for them. I guess that's all I have to say for now. Bye bye!

I love going to bed tired, but happy

I just had a bunch of stuff I wanted to blog about, but I forgot most of it. I'll start with this. I think I need prayer for spiritual discernment. There are times when I have a thought, and I'm pretty sure it's not me, but at the same time I'm unsure if it's Him. I'm not going to go into details, but there was a night a few days ago where I had a thought and I tried thinking of other possibilities, but I kept coming back to this one thought. Turns out I was right. Maybe I need to have more faith that it is Him? I dunno.

Earlier I was mad, because of the whole car thing when we were leaving the Greutmans, but I also felt bad for feeling that way. It's weird. I felt like I shouldn't have been mad, but I was.

The prayer walk last night was amazing. Hong Zhu is so incredibly amazing, I absolutely love her. I felt so convicted about my family. I've been fine just letting them live their lives in pain and worry and sadness, and it breaks my heart.

I'm just writing a lot of random things. I get sad when I think about having to leave in two weeks. I really don't want to, but I have my job back home. I'm just afraid of missing out on a lot this summer. I don't want to. I'm going to see if my sister will bring me to Oswego sometimes. I hope she does. It's going to be a rough summer. I'll just have to take it one day at a time. It'll be hard keeing in touch with everyone. Blah.

It's interesting how a person's testimony can completely change your perspective of them. It just goes to show, don't judge a book by its cover. Thursday at Bible Study. The circle part was encouraging, but the actual Bible study part, even though I'm sure it was supposed to be as well, it wasn't for me. I'v eheard we all have gifts and such. I believe it in my mind, but in my heart, not so much. It made me wonder what do I have that I bring to the group? What is my role? Where do I fit in the scheme of things? They are questions that I just keep coming back to.

I absolutely love church lately. People actually make an effort to say hi. Pastor Beaumont actually cares. He came to the picnic. That says a lot even though he didn't stay long. Anthony and Annette. I don't know what I would do without them. They are amazing and I wish they had a picture of everyone, not just the officers. Just sayin. What will be will be.

I'm tired. I'm going to go find ways to occupy myself. Toodles.

Cooper can have latenight back

You know what's ridiculous? Forcing every Lakeside employee to work at least one latenight. Seriously?? I don't do latenights. I hate working latenight. Not to mention I wouldn't be out of Lakeside til almost one in the morning, when I have to be up at like 6 or 7 almost everyday. Not cool, big boss people, not cool. And we as students don't even get a say in it. I used to love working at Lakeside, now I'm starting to hate it. Ugh. So mad.

On a much different note, in my american drama class, we're reading a play called Doubt and it's about these two nuns and a priest who work at a Catholic middle school. One of the nuns accuses the priest of having sexual rleations with an 8th grade boy. We never find out if he really did or not. but anyway, the priest gives this one sermon on gossip and he uses a parable for it. I thought it was kind of interesting and decided to post it on here.

"A woman was gossiping with a friend about a man she hardly knew-I know none of you have ever done this-and that night she had a dream. A great hand appeared over her and pointed down at her. She was immediately seized with an overwhelming sense of guilt. The next day she went to confession. She got to the old parish pries, Father O'Rourke, and she told him the whole thing. "Is gossiping a sin?" she asked the old man. "Was that the hand of the Almighty God pointing a finger at me? Should I be asking your asolution? Father, tell me, have I done something wrong?" "Yes!" Father O'Rourke answered her. "Yes, you ignorant, badly brought up female! You have bourne false witness against your neighbor, you have played fast and loose with his reputation, and you should be heartily ashamed!" So the woman said she was sorry and asked forgiveness. "Not so fast!" says O'Rourke. "I want you to go home, take a pillow up on your roof, cut it open with a knife, and return here to me!" So she went home, took a pillow off her bed, a knife from the drawer, and went up the fire escape to the roof, and stabbed the pillow. Then she went back to the old priest as instructed. "Did you gut the pillow with the knife?" he says. "Yes, Father." "And what was the result?" "Feathers," she said. "Feathers?" he repeated. "Feathers everywhere, Father!" "Now I want you to go back and gather up every last feather that flew out on the wind!" "Well," she says, "It can't be done. I don't know where they went. The wind took them all over." "And that," said Father O'Rourke, "is gossip!" In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Amen."

I think this is a great parable for showing what gossip is and the harm it can do. Yeah.

Time for me to go write a paper.

Just a quick one

I had a dream last night. My dad and I were at a conference or church or something, not really sure where. Anyway, he had his arm around my shoulder and we were singing worship songs together. This might sound corny, but he kissed the top of my head a couple times. That's all I really remember. I had forgotten it until I was sitting in my Shakespeare class, where my tummy rumbled a couple times, haha. My mind was wandering and all of a sudden, I remembered it, and I started tearing up because it would make me soooo incredibly happy if it ever came true! And that's all. Zai-jian!

Tears of the Lake

Here is something I wrote while down by the lake, it's kind of like a journal entry.

As I sit on this rock by the lake, my heart grieves for the souls Satan has claimed for himself. Not for long. Leave now, Satan, you are not wanted!

I was in my room getting ready to start a paper when in my spirit, I felt prompted to come down here. So I did. I was sitting somehwere else. I had started praying but I couldn't get into it. I looked to my left and saw Ryan playing guitar. So I got up and came over here. As soon as I sat down, I felt the dam break and the tears started flowing. I began praying and crying out to God. My phone is off so I have no idea how long I've been down here. I do not think it's a coincidence that both me and Ryan ended up down here at the same time.

There are so many hurting souls, so many broken hearts. There are so many people searching for answers, wanting to live for so much more. It breaks my heart to know that so many of them don't know what Jesus did for them. Sure, they've heard the stories, but that's all they are to them, only stories and nothing more. It's time they learn the truth. It's time that the veil of lies Satan has placed over their eyes be removed. It's time this campus experiences the full manifestation of the Holy Spirit in all His glory. Let it rain, let it rain , open the floodgates of Heaven!

People need to knoe they don't have to drink their problems away, because they will still be there in the morning, along with regret and shame for whatever may have happened during their stages of drunkenness. They don't have to have sex to feel loved and wanted. They don't have to get high to feel what is only a temporary happiness. Because with Jesus, they can bring all their problems to Him and He can fix them permanently. With Jesus, they will be loved, unconditionally and for eternity. Scratch that, they are loved by Him, they just haven't realized it yet. With Jesus, they can be filled with an inexpressible joy that will last longer than one shoot up or drag or sniff or whatever, it'll last longer than ten combined. He wil lbe by their side, day nad night. Thast's the song Ryan's playing right now, "By Your Side." I love it.

My family needs God so much. My dad is filled with anger at the world and always in physical pain. It pains me emotionally and spiritually. They are constantly judging and doubting me. Their hearts are hardened toward their Creator and it is truly heartbreaking. My siblings. I love them all. They remain loyal to my parents and believe/say/do whatever they do. I've become the rebel of the family. Interesting, huh?

There is no more time to waste. The time is has come to step out and be what we have been called to be. It is time to show this campus what God's love is all about and how He can change their lives forever. I've never felt anything so strongly before. It's a little scary but we were not put on this Earth to live our lives in fear. We were made to stand out and find the courage to preach the Gospel to nonbelievers everywhere. God casts out all fear!

That's the end. The breaks symbolize new paragraphs because Blogger is silly and won't let you indent. I am actually really excited about this fasting thing. I was able to go to Lakeside and get some water and leave. There was so much food I could have eaten, but I stood my ground! :D I think now I am going to go start that paper. Farewell, my beloved blog readers!

Lakeside Love

I had a completely different post ready to go, but decided to just start over because some of the things I wrote about are irrelevant. Last night was so amazing, and it was obvious the Holy Spirit was moving on our campus. I don't think it's a coincidence God has touched our hearts and filled us all with a longing to see revival on His campus. As I walk through it, I always think how this is God's campus and city. Satan has no right being here. He really doesn't. When we were praying for Lakeside and its employees, I couldn't stop the tears flowing form my eyes, even when we were done and walking to Sheldon. I realized Lakeside has a special place in my heart and I didn't know it until last night.

This weekend has felt weird to me. I don't know how else to explain it. Like, I feel slightly distanced from everyone? I'm just going to stop there because...yeah. I think it's all in my head.

I love Pastor Beaumont. He is quite awesome. It's cool to know he wants to get to know us, and be a part of our lives. Today, at church, I felt like we were celebrities, so many people came over to say hi and introduce themselves. It was cool. For some reason, it just seemed like every word was spelled wrong, haha. Anyway, I think I am not going to do Sunday School anymore. I just think we've cancelled more than we've actually taught, and I feel bad having to cancel on Ann (the lady in charge) a lot.

I need to end there.

200%

This past weekend, as I'm sure all of you know, was the BASIC Conference! I think it was one of my favorites thus far. Friday night, when we were worshipping and people were ministering/being ministered to, I was at my seat, praying and crying out to God. Anthony came over and had me stand up. He put his arm around me and prayed for me. Afterward, he talked to me and told me God was preparing my heart for getting baptized on Saturday. He said other things but I'm trying to keep this short and fast because I have a paper I should be working on, haha. When all was said and done, I honestly felt so overjoyed and I know God had done some healing and work within my heart. It touched me so much having him come over and pray for me and just embrace me in his arms. I really felt like he was my dad at that moment and he knew exactly what to pray for and what encouragement I needed. I don't know how else to explain it. It also touched me when I felt someone else's hands on mine and I opened my eyes and saw Ms. Cruz praying with Anthony.

It was my second favorite part of the conference. What is my first, you might ask? Well, let me tell you, it was leaving on Sunday morning. Just kidding! Getting water baptized was my absolute favorite part. I wa sso super nervous about it, I was actually kind of dreading it. I wasn't dreading getting baptized, I was dreading doing it in front of so many people. But as the time came closer, excitement overtook me and then seeing Lisa following me made me SO much more happy. Like seriously. I am glad Anthony and Pastor Beaumont were able to baptize us, I think it made it that much more meaningful for me. And Lisa, I'm sure. As we were waiting, we were talking about how we were afraid we were going to fall. Lo and behold, when I was walking in front of the tank I was in, I slipped on the plastic and down I went. I was glad to hear not many people saw it. :D I got up and continued out the door, with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. After we got changed and such, we went back where we were greeted with smiles and hugs and tears. It was probably one of the most touching experiences I have ever had. It meant so much to me to see everyone there, cheering us on, and just being there for us. I had seriously been having doubts about getting baptized at the conference, but I am so UNBELIEVABLY happy I did. If we were to go back in time, I'd do it all over again, no hesitation.

Anyway, Saturday night was awesome. I had just begun praying for my family when Erin came over and asked if I had any unsaved family. I said yes and then she said she wanted us to pray for our families. So me, Heather, Lisa, Erin and Shannon stood in a circle, held hands and she prayed for our families for us. I love that girl. She said she was very protective of her girls (us) and it just touched my heart. My heart was touched alot this past weekend, if you hadn't noticed :D There's just something about seeing 400 other Christians praying and worshipping our amazing and beloved Creator that just gets to you (in a good way, of course). It's just amazing to know we are all there for one reason, to grow deeper in our relationship with God. It's a time when we can forget about the natural world and focus on the supernatural with little distraction.

One last thing. The one thing that really seemed to stick with me was what Sherrie Anderson and I believe Chris Hopper both touched on. And that is we need to stop letting Satan take control of our lives. When we hear his smooth talkin voice whispering lies to us, we need to rebuke him and just tell him to shut up and go away. He's soemone we should not be running from, he should be running from us! Also, the whole carry the milk story, I liked it a lot and definitely learned from it. Ok, I am going to stop, even though I could go on and on and on and on. Kind of like the Energizer bunny...only not. Watch out Shakespeare, here I come! :D

P.S. I came back with more clothes than I left with. 3 new t-shirts, a new pair of shorts and a new hoodie. Suh-weet!

Tea Party with Satan? No thanks

So there is a book study a bunch of us are doing, of "The Blueprint." One of the chapters/sections, whatever it was talked about how the devil hates and fears prayer. I was thinking about this and it's like, we pray, the devil hates it. and if we don't pray, we're pretty much inviting the devil in to have a nice little tea party with us. Only it wouldn't be nice, would it? No, didn't think so. We don't have to settle for a lousy tea party when we can have a never ending celebration with Jesus, because let's face it, knowing we have Him should always be cause for celebration!

I am also reading this wonderful book by this wonderful Aussie called "Confessions of a Good Christian Girl." And it pretty much discusses sins most, if not all, women struggle with. One part that really struck me was one where she is describing something that happened in the Bible but she does it in a way that she knew what was going through the peoples' minds and such. Here it is, to give you an idea of it:

They dragged her from the house, her bare toes stubbing against the road. The stonefaced Pharisees refused to even look at her. They just hurried her on, rough hands grippingher forearms. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw one stop to pick up a jagged rock from the side of the street.....Her lover had sworn that the Scripture-prescribed penalty for adultery never happened these days....What these Pharisees really wanted was to trap the man named Jesus. Their real target was the quiet man in the center of the hubbub. The man with the strange eyes that managed to look both fierce and gentle. He watched in silence as the Pharisees dragged her across the courtyard and dropped her at His feet. She lay there crumpled, clutching at her gaping garment. Not daring to look up as the men spat out their challenge. And then, for some reason, she had to look. As she met the man's gaze, she felt her spirit grow strangely calm as well. What was it about this man?

She wondered if this Jesus knew it. If His thoughts were racing as hers were. If He would condemn her as everyone else had. As everyone had a right to. But He didn't look worried. He wasn't even ayign attention to the Pharisees. Instead, He squatted down and began to write something in the dust...As the last of her accusers left the temple, the man Jesus turned to her. And finally, for the first time, it really was about her. Somehow she found courage to meet His eyes. And in the face of the man who'd boldly faced down the Pharisees she saw nothing but...compassion.

I left some sentences out mainly to not make it so long and because I gotta go pick up my paycheck shortly. But that's the perfect example of how Jesus acts towards us, with love and compassion, no matter what we've done wrong. You'll probably see more excerpts from the book in future posts, because it really is a great book and I recommend it to all Christian women. :) I hope you enjoyed that. I certainly did when I read it. Anyway, toodles!

P.S. BASIC Conference tomorrow!!!!!!!! Woot woot! :D

Live like we're dying

There have been so many natural disasters lately. There is no way they can be a coincidence. I am beginning to feel the urgency within me. We need to strengthen ourselves and be prepared for what's coming. The time is now. To be honest, I am so scared, but at the same time, really excited. That was awkward, Lisa Bryan walked in while I was typing this. Anyway, yeah. There's a fan page on Facebook called, "I don't believe in 2012, but this is getting weird..." or something like that. So obviously people are beginning to notice that something is going on. We can't ignore the signs that are appearing all over the place. Knowing that the time is coming really puts things into perspective and I have begun asking myself many questions. It's not good for my education though because I just want to say, "Heck with it! I don't need to do any homework. I have more important things to worry about, like Jesus coming back!" I need to pull myself out of that mindset a little and keep up with my schoolwork and classes though. We are not of this world, but we still have to do what is expected of us, for the most part. Unfortunately. On that happy note, I must fulfill my Shakespeare professor's expectation that I will have my paper done on Friday.

Which reminds me! BASIC Conference this upcoming weekend. I think we all need it badly. Can I just say I am especially excited for this one?? I can't quite explain why. I just am :)

Surpassed 100 without noticing :D

I would like to start of this post by thanking each and every one of you for being the amazing people you are. :) I was thinking, Jesus is like the perfect flashlight. Whenever we need light to shine into our dark places, He's there, ready to light our paths and guide us, maybe that's more like a lighthouse, haha. You get my point. I have a lot of searching within my heart to do. I have a lot of praying to do. I don't care if I want this or not, if God wants it for my life, that's good enough for me. Just sayin. I have so many questions to answer. Am I ready? Do I want it badly enough? Am I willing to take huge steps out of my comfort zone? Honestly, I don't know the answers to any of these questions yet, but I will be searhing for them, yes I will.

Seeing Andy last night saddened me alot. It broke my heart to see him the way he was. I really hope doing this will be really good for him. I shall be prayin. Blah, I hate money. I hate needing money. Where did the good ole barter systems go? Jeesh.

Blerghhhhhhhhhhhhh.........................

Dance Dance

Lately, whenever I want to blog, I usually come on here not knowing what I'm going to blog about. So I am going to just write whatever comes to mind. And right now, I am hoping run through goes awesome. I've seen the hard work that's been put into this dance and the choreographer deserves a great run through. :) So, me and the beeee-utiful Shonda are doing laundry. All the dryers in Waterbury are occupied. So we brought our laundry to Scales andwe're doing it there :D It'll be ready in about 45-50 minutes.

Argh. I am not going to give in to these thoughts. Sometimes, I just can't trust myself. Sometimes, I wish my heart and my mind would be on the same track. And that's all I have to say on that.

Youtube is going to be the death of my average grades, haha. I just want to listen to all the related videos. I really want the song, Overcome by Free Chapel, but I can't find it on Youtube :( So I guess I'll have to settle for other amazing worship songs.

So there's this wonderful girl, my Angelface, who wrote a blog about our words and how the ycan affect people. I realized I need to work on what I let come out of my mouth. Because I know it's not always edifying, it's just word vomit. My words need to be filled with love and encouragement, not judgement and negativity. No way, Jose. I don't want to be known as one of those people who always has something bad to say about someone else, no I don't. So yeah.

Phew, my roomie is here. I need her to be here. I love that girl. She's the best roomie ever, no joke. We're perfect for each other. I'm going to miss her alot next year, but we'll see each other at work and stuff, so it won't be too bad.

I think my laundry is going to be ready soon. Bye bye bye.

Almost posted this without a title

Here I sit in the computer lab. This whole side is friends. The other side is forlorn and empty. Except Ryan, but he doesn't count. I could be doing homework, but I don't feel like it. I mean, it's not due til Friday, nothing like a little healthy procrastinating!

Today was weird. I felt sort of detached from everything and everyone. It was weird. Like, at lunch, I didn't want to be there. I just didn't feel like listening to petty, meaningless conversations about cartoons and Shark 1 and Shark 2's drama with their crew. So I went down to the lake for a little while. It was nice, I listened to worship music on my Ipod and marveled at God's beautiful creation. Then I went to my room and attempted a nap, but I couldn't fall asleep, so I got up and went to my workstudy job. Then I went to dinner, wolfed some food down and went to Lakeside. This is turning out to be a boring post. How to make it interesting? Eh, whateva. I'm wearing two different shoes. One is not mine. Heeheehee. I like being sneaky.

Pastor Beaumont was so encouraging last night! Like seriously, he hit the nail right on the head. At least to me he did. It was pretty much everything I needed to hear. I don't want to fall into the slop or ope nsewer on the side of the road. I need the Word in my life. It's crucial. Time to put these words into action. Well, that's all I want to say at the moment. May the peace of the Lord be with you! :)

Is there a such thing as being too Christian?

I keep coming on here, with an idea of what I want to write about. But for some reason, I keep forgetting! I'll just keep typing and see where it goes. So I'm reading this book, called "The Unlikely Disciple:A Sinner's Semester at America's Holiest University." I really really like it. Mainly because the author, Kevin Roose, didn't write it to mock Christianity or anything, he decided to try a semester at Liberty University mainly out of curiosity of what a Christian college is like. Now I'm Christian and I don't think I'd ever go to this college. The rules are really strict like the only PDA there can be is holding hands and hugging and the hug can't last more than 3 seconds. The dorms are unisex, and there is no going into the opposite sex's dorm. They are not allowed to watch R-Rated movies, and then of course, the obvious no sex, drugs or alcohol. The funny thing is most students there like the rules and feel like it's a necessary part of their lives. I agree that rules are important, but some of those are a tad too strict, in my opinion. Also, these students are surrounded by Christians and there are no secular students. My thing with that is they are being sheltered and don't get a taste of the "real world" where not everyone loves Jesus. And there are much fewer chances to reach out to people, because there is no one there who needs to be reached out to. So yeah, I think I will stick with good ol' Oswego.

Another thing about that college is that a lot of the students are there to find "the One." Like they get paniky if by their last year, they haven't found a possible candidate. I don't like that. Which leads me to my next topic. Girls who plan their wedding and such before God has even provided the groom. I know there are some girls who have their whole wedding planned out and are only waiting for the man God gives them. I just think it's not right, ya know? It's just sketchy? I don't know what the right term is here.

Sometimes I wish I lived in Scales. Although I'm also glad to live in Waterbury, because everyone lives in Scales and it's good to be different. I don't like however, when I feel like a burden. I don't like when people argue over who's going to sign me in because no one wants to. Or when people get annoyed if I ask them to let me in the side door. Blah. Maybe I'll just start staying in Waterbury from now on. Then no one has to worry about signing me in or sneaking me in or whatever. But I can't do that. It's hard for me to stay away, haha.

Time for me to go to my workstudy job. Yay? Nope. Adios.

My kitty is sitting on our washer

We are needy people. We need friends to support and encourage us. We need our families, no matter how crazy and messed up they seem. We need God. We need air to breathe. We need a roof over our heads. I was not liking the idea of sleeping on a cot for a week because my bed was given to my youngest sister. I was complaining about it. Then I realized I have a bed to sleep on. There are people in this world who are stuck sleeping in alleys and under bridges and other very uncomfortable, unsafe places. So I really don't have a right to complain at all.

Last night, I got really sad. I was talking to someone and realized how comfortable I've become in this unexcitedness. It made me so sad that I started crying. Why do I let this happen? Why does it seem like some of us have more dry seasons than others? Why does it seem like those dry seasons last longer than the undry seasons? Like an undry season for me lasts about a month, an undry season can last like 2 or 3 months. It's kind of scary. I don't want to be comfortable when this happens. I want to be in so much discomfort, it's unbearable.

I'm feeling lazy today. My dad, on the other hand, is in a cleaning mood, meaning I get to do lots of housework today! Bleh. We were watching Full House yesterday and he said I remind him of DJ Tanner. I completely agree with him. Whenever I watch it, I remind myself of DJ Tanner. And my dad, well he reimnds me of Danny Tanner. I get annoyed with my older sister. All of her free time is spent on Zoosk, a facebook dating thing. She just needs to get off the computer and go get a real social life. Because a cyber social life really isn't a life at all. I've been so bored this past week. And all I can think is this is not the life I want when I'm older. I want it to be fun and exciting, not spent at home, always watching tv or on the computer. That's how my family spends most of their free time and it saddens me. They could be living for so much more. I could go on and on. But what's the use? Sitting here writing about isn't going to change anything.

I guess I am going to go pick giraffes' noses now. Should be fun! Toodles.

Overanalyzation

Why do I always say or do things I shouldn't? And why do I always agonize over what I said/did for a long time afterward? Wh yis it so much harder for me to forgive myself than it is to forgive others? I just don't understand.

Who was St Patrick Anyway?

I decided to be different and wear red today, instead of the traditional green. We usually go to my grandparents' (my grandma is Irish) and eat corned beef and boiled potatoes, carrots and cabbage. I avoid the cabbage, haha. But I don't know if we are doing that this year. Anyway, that's all I have to say on that.

I was thinking the other day, BASIC needs to do more community involvement things. On and off campus. Reaching out does not simply mean hang up a few posters here and there, and wear clothing that advertises it. We have to get out there and be active. Kind of like what Kdee does with her weekend sports. But we need more. We need to get our name out there. Get us some recognition (positive rec. of course, haha). We need to get people thinking, "Whoa, look at those Basic people. They seem pretty cool!" Maybe in the fall we could go rake some lawns, in winter, go shovel some sidewalks and driveways. In spring, go weed gardens and plant flowers. Ya know what I'm sayin?

Sometimes I wonder if people need me as much as I need them. I mean, I need my friends' encouragement and love and support. Do they need mine? Wait, of course they do. Never mind. I'm not explaining myself right. I'm not sure how to explain it. Just a random thought I had.

Well, I got me some Gilmore Girls to go watch. Happy St Patrick's Day! (whoever he is, haha).

Patti-Ann

My youngest sister wants me to write a blog about her. I'm not going to make the whole thing about her but I will say I love her and she's 13 and she has a cell phone (A better one than mine I might add) and she is watching me type this. Anyway, I had so much fun this past weekend! I feel like I ate so much food though! Friday night, we went to Anthony and Annette's and had delicious cake and icecream, and we watched AFV and played this fun board game called Say Anything. We managed to keep them up until midnight :D And then we went back to campus, where there was much indecisiveness. After a lot of consideration and pondering, we stayed on campus. We were all up until 2ish. We woke up at 7:30 on Saturday and went to Ryan's house (we: Shonda, Kdee, Ryan and me) where we slept til like noon. We got ready and then went to Erin's wedding!!! It was so cool. I'm glad I got to be there for it. The happiness on her face made me super happy for her. I liked how it wasn't a showy, way too overdone wedding. It was nice and simple. Then we went to the hor's douvres reception where us starving people chomped on yummy cream puffs, eclairs and other delctable desserts. We got some pics taken with the beautiful bride. It was the first Christian wedding I've ever been to and it was really cool.

After te reception, we went to Nick's house, ate some Italian food and watched Sherlock Holmes, or slept, haha. Then it was back to Ryan's house where we took a long time getting to bed. Just a side note, I can be a gassy girl sometimes and instead of hiding it, I've decided to embrace it and let it be free! Sorry Kdee...:D This morning we went to Abundant Life, it was good but I was sooooo sleepy, as were a few others (you know who you are). Then it was good bye to gypsy and then we went to Nick's house for lunch. Afterward, we left for Rome. I was so nervous that something was going to happen on the road, but thank God everyone made it home safely! :) And here I am, typing this on one of ou desktops because the wireless isn't working on my computer, something about needing a security key/passkey. No one in my fmaily knows what it is. Argh. Oh well. Guess I won't be on the computer as often, maybe that's a good thing, haha.

My family gets to ride in a limo! Can you believe it?? One of my dad's newly reconnected relatives owns a limo company andthey boguht my parents tickets to see Trans-Siberian Orchestra in Massachusetts in April. So he's going to let them ride in one of his limo's. It's during the BASIC Conference actually. Lucky ducks.

Adios amigos.

Gotta get that second opinion!

I loved listening to Nick Vujicic speak at BASIC last night, on the dvd, not in life. Seeing him in real life would be pretty sweet though, gotta admit. He was really inspiring, and I found myself tearing up a lot. What makes him more awesome than he already is is the facrt that he's from Simone's part of the world. I miss her.



The what was supposed to be a surprise party went really well. Not gonna lie, I was kind of nervous and then I was getting really nervous when the birthday boy wasn't showing up. But everything worked out and it was lots of fun! At least I think it was, haha. I guess there's just some people you can't surprise. They're just too smart for their own good! :D



I was reading "Crazy Love," today, during my Shakespeare class, haha, and my fave part was the stories of the radical Christians who really and truly live their lives by faith and prayer alone. I want to be one of those people. My heart burns with the desire to travel the world and minister to those in need. Like what Nick V does when he goes to like Cambodia and Indonesia. I think it would be so awesome. I really want to after I graduate, spend a couple years in underdeveloped countries doing what I can and serving God wherever I can. This passion is something I've never really felt before, and trhat's how I know it's all God and not me. I'm not the type to want to just go travel and leave everything behind. Not my cup of tea, but I just have this intense urge to do this. I'm not sure how to explain it. I so so so desperately want to change lives and touch lives and bring joy to people through Jesus. I want it so bad, but I don't know how to go about doing it.



I really feel like we'll never be back to where we once were. Sure, we can be friends, but to ever be as close as we were, I don't think it's going to happen. It's kind of sad, but hey, that's how life is.



On that note, I must go and be productive or something.

Yada yada yada

I don't feel very good. I kinda feel nauseated, but hungry. I'm thirsty. I feel shaky, and kinda sweaty. And tired. I have a headache. But I have things to do. After I write this. I feel selfish. I focus so much on my own problems, I forget others have their own. But it seems no one wants to talk about them. So what's the use in even asking. Everyone has their own confidantes. Even me. I never know where I'm going with these posts. Ever since last night, I've been contemplating and pondering. About a lot. Most of it saddens me. We're in a sorry state, our "family." There is no family that I see. Sure we get together once in awhile, but I dunno. I don't know how to explain it. I just feel so sad. So sad. Today, in Church, I couldn't even focus during worship. I felt like I was just singing, I wasn't truly worshipping with my heart. It saddened me. Sure we can talk about unity and blah blah blah, but nothing ever changes. Nothing. It's starting to kind of make me mad. We need todo everything in our power to help each other. It's hard to help people though, if they're not going to admit they need it. I need help. I know I do. I'd like to think I've come a long way in being able to open up. Correct me if I'm wrong. I'm sick of asking people what's wrong, out of concern and nothing more, and not getting much of a response. We all need revelation in our lives. We need to truly love our God. Not out of conviction or guilt, but simply out of love. I include myself in that. I need to stop being fine with not growing as much as I want to. I need, I need, I need. So much. THE TIME IS NOW.



p.s. Sorry if it seems like I'm copying your post. That was not my intention.

God doesn't belong in a box on a dusty shelf

Just a little rant. I know my family means well, and everyone means well. But seriously, don't say you're praying for someone if you're not. So many people who I know aren't Christian or religios in any way, shape or form keep saying they're praying for my grandpa and family. Even my siblings. It irritates me slightly. And I am not trying to bash my family or anything like that. I just don't think it's right. I know they only have good intentions though. The Bible says we should rejoice in the Lord during good times, and bad. It seems like people don't want to have anything to do with Him when everything's going good. But as soon as something bad happens, suddenly, they believe in God. And once everything's well again, God is put back in the little box and placed on a shelf until the next bad thing happens. It's kind of saddening really. I don't know.

I'm really glad things are good again between us. It'll probably take some work to get our friendship back to where it was, but I'm willing to do it. :)

I'm tired. Snow day tomorrow! I can only hope. Haha.

Where's Waldo?

I called my house tonight. And it turns out the tumor on my mom's liver isn't cancerous, but the doctors are going to keep an eye on it. However, my grandpa is going back to Syracuse tomorrow to get a heart catheterization and surgery on his heart, both of which are dangerous with the way his health is. My fish just went sideways, I think he's really dying this time :( Anyway, I know God will take care of him (my grandpa, not my fish), and keep His hand over the situation. It still worries and saddens me though.

I have no idea where to go with any of what was said. I'm sorry I couldn't give you the answers you wanted. Actually, I don't think I am. I am sorry our friendship has come to this. Honestly, I don't see it improving anytime soon. It seems whenever you want to "talk," all you do is point out flaws I have. That's not what we're supposed to be about. Now I feel like everytime I talk or speak or do anything, I'm going to be questioning myself in my head, wondering if I'm copying someone or being myself. I'm going to be asking myself if this is my true personality. I already am with this blog post. Is this what I would say? If not, what would I say? I'm a little angry, I'm a little hurt, but most of all, I'm numb. I don't know what I feel. All I know is I'm starting to not care about our friendship anymore. I can be civilized and polite and friendly. But to ever reach the point where we were, almost best friends I'd say, I don't see it happening. The only person I am ever going to change for is God. I'm growing, I'm imperfect. But guess what? So are you. We all are. And that is why need our Savior. In Him, we are made perfect. Not through anyone else. I am never going to be perfect, and I am never going to pretend I am. And neither should you. Or anyone. I'm done with this. I guess we'll just have to see where the road takes us. But I think this friendship is pretty much sunk.

I felt really happy when you asked me what you did. I felt like it showed the trust you have in me. It makes me happy to know I've started to gain that trust. If I hadn't already. I dunno. Anyway, yeah.

I need a mental health day or something. I want to just go somewhere. That wouldn't solve anything though. I feel like a lot was left unresolved tonight, and not with just me and someone else, but with everyone. I don't know how to go about fixing whatever it is that's the issue. I know I should go to Erin, but she scares me. I love her, but I find her kind of intimidating. Maybe that's the kind of person that's needed in this situation.

I can't express enough how grateful I am to each and every one of you. You've all helped and encouraged me. I love you all. It's times like this when I realize how much we truly need each other for love and support. I'm so emotional lately. Well, I think we all have been, actually. Blah. I gotta go to bed, I gotta be up at 8. Maybe I'll not go to my workstudy job. No, I need the money. I have to go. I have to go. I have to go. That reminds me! I have a $20 in my pants pocket. I better get it before I forget. Toodles.

Are you my mother?

I'm really mad right now. I don't know if I even have any right to be, but I am. I don't like it when you have a friend who acts like your mother, and scolds you like one. I feel like I was scolded. For no reason I can see. And the fact that they always seem to bring up faults you have. It's never anything edifying. I feel like it's been constant lately, not from everyone, just certain people. It's not pleasant, being constantly made to feel like a jerk all the time. Always feeling like I'm in the wrong, and sometimes I am. Beign made to feel like I need to apologize about everything. We all have our faults, but for them to be pointed out as many times as mine have been, not cool. I could say more, but I'm going to stop.

Peer over the edge, can you see me?

I'm tired. Probably not as tired as some, but still. My mom had another MRI today, but won't know the results until Monday. Argh. I've also been waiting for the camp director to call me to tell me I've been re-hired, there's no doubt in my mind that I have. Not to be conceited or anything. Just sayin. I'm not sure where I'm goin with this, but I'm bored, and don't want to go to bed quite yet. Even though I do have to be up at 8 in the morning. Yuck. Next year is going to be so different, but I'm kind of excited. I just wish some people weren't so stinkin stubborn! Oh well. What will be will be. I am determined to go see Owl City! I am going, I am! Nothing will stop me! Muah ha ha ha!

I feel like it's been a weird day, like kind of surreal. It took a lot for me to go to my classes. And my 10:20, the professor didn't even show up, I skipped on Monday, and I guess he didn't show up that day either. Weird. But I'm not complaining. I can't believe tomorrow is Thursday already! Crazy stuff.

Can I just say I am so glad I got that off my chest? I know it's not something most people would have done, but do I look like most people? I think not! Anyway, it made it easier knowing it was already known, if that makes any sense. But even though it was known, I had to do it, for myself. Get it? Got it? Good! Can you hear me now? Good! I tired. Can you tell? Blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Do I have anything else to say? Yes! Valentine's Day. It was really nice. Nick made me this huge heart with truffles taped to it. It was cute. I ate all the truffles. No, I lied. I have two left. And then some of us went to Ryan's house. I felt bad because I felt like I should have stayed behind with Nick, but all he was going to do was homework. So I went. And ate squid. Never again. I would starve in Cambodia. No joke. Or any other Asian country for that matter. I like the desserts though. They were good. And then we eventually came back and me and Nick had a quiet, candlelit dinner at the finest dining facility on cmapus, Lakeside. Ok, minus the candles. That would be a fire hazard, yes it would. And then I did homework for the rest of the night. Fun stuff yo! So yeah. That's my life in a nutshell. Gotta love awkward moments. Ok, I be done. Ni-hao! (Yes, I realize that's hi in chinese). Snow day tomorrow! I feel it in my bones. Bones? I have bones. 206 of them. Hannah Montana had an episode where she made up a song about all the bones in the body, to help her pass biology. Ok, I'm really done now. Buenos dia!

We Are Family

Wow, boy did we all need that. I think the family/prayer meeting was a great idea, even if our girls' night did have to be postponed. My mom had an MRI and the doctors found a tumor on her liver, not sure if it's cancerous or not. I pray it's not. When I was talking to my mom on the phone, I could tell she was trying not to cry. Afterward, I just felt so sad. And I started getting angry at God. Angry that He would kep putting my family through these things. And then we had the meeting. I had no idea people were going through what they were. Which is why I think it's important for us to look after each other, and every once in awhile just say, "Hey, what's goin on?" Anyway, while we were worshipping, I just wanted to be home, with my family. I felt the desire and need to go. If I had a license and car, I probably would have gone. But I don't. I still feel kind of sad, but I also know God knows what He's doing, and I just gotta trust Him. It's hard, but I have to. I love Erin and Patrick. They're so funny! And full of Godly wisdom, I look up to Erin as a sister in Christ :)

One thing was said that I really need to do. I have to give it all to God, I have to put forth 110% effort. My best isn't good enough. It's time to go above and beyond. I think tomorrow (technically today), I'm just going to spend a couple hours in prayer and reading my Bible, maybe take a walk, think things through, that kind of stuff. I wanted to take a walk during worship but I was lazy, haha. The other thing, about women's ministry, I think it would be so cool! When we were praying for Lisa, I pictured her running around and dancing in front of a crowd, it was like a BASIC Conference type thing, and she was getting the crowd all pumped up. She's gonna do awesome things, I know it. The very first prayer night we went to, I told her so :) I really think others would have benefited from this meeting. It was so good, and very muchly needed.

I told my roomie I wouldn't be coming back tonight. I lied. I'm back, haha. I forgot her friend, Jared was comign up for the weekend so I walked in the door and saw him on the floor and had a mini heart attack. Then I remembered. Oh! And when Erin was talking abotu how we build up cases against ourselves, I just kept thinking, "Yup, that's me." So much of what she said spoke right to my heart. It was crazy! I love that girl. I get to sleep in. Yay! Night y'all :)

P.S. To all my brothers and sisters, I love you all and consider myself so blessed to have each and every one of you in my life. I know some people won't see this, but oh well. <3

Hugs to spare

It's been a weird night. For those of you who don't know, my grandpa is in Syracuse hospital. He has an infection attacking his vital organs such as his kidneys and lungs. It has also been attacking his heart. The doctors wanted to do some procedure, but they said if they do, he won't make it through. And if they give him the medicines he needs, his heart and lungs wont be able to handle it. So no one really knows what to do at the moment. They say he's doing slightly better though, so they may send him home within the next couple days. It just hit me tonight just how serious it all is, and it breaks my heart. I worry for my family, it's been an emotional rollercoaster for them. See, I have Jesus to help me. They don't. I'm hoping to use this as an opportunity though. People ask me what's wrong and I feel like if I try explaining it, I'll burst into tears. I came really close earlier in Kdee's room. I just left Scales because I just didn't feel like I bleonged there at the moment. Mainly because everyone was so happy and giggly and I wasn't. The moment I walked out Bridge and Lisa's room and started walking down the hallway, the tears started falling. And they haven't stopped. I'm not writing this to get sympathy. I'm writing it because I need to. I can't do it on Facebook through a status, wayyyy too much. So I chose here.

Does anyone have an extra hug? Because I could certainly use one. I just want someone to tell me it's going to be ok. It has to be ok. I don't want to be around people, but I don't want to be alone. My Skype date with Simone cheered me up a little. I love that Aussie. I need to go to bed. I have to be up at 8. Yuck. Anyway, I'm sorry you had to read this. I know it's not exactly cheerful, but I needed to write it.

Typhoid Mary

Colds stink. But I realized something earlier. I have a measly little cold. There are thousands of people out there suffering from cancers, and other terminal illnesses. I really don't have much of a right to complain. I am thankful for my roomie's drugstore, hahaha. I'm going to miss it and her next year :( I hope I'll still get to see her. I really should be doing homework. Bleh.

This weekend was really good! I had a lot of fun, and I think I learned stuff, haha. I thought the services ran a little too long, but overall, I liked it. I loved Tim O'Leary, one of the main speakers. He was so funny! It almost felt like we were at a BASIC conference, especially Friday night, when we went to Denny's. That was Friday night, wasn't it? The days have just kind of blended together. Like yesterday felt like a Sunday, I think mainly because we went to church that morning. That service was ok, but after awhile, I just wanted it to end. She was just repeating the same thing over and over. I'm getting really good at typing without looking at the keyboard. AnywhoI feel like I have a lot say but I don't feel like typing it all out. It's nothing important anyway. Ali is still alive! I'm so happy, he's a tough little guy, probably takes after me :-D

I'm not sure how I feel about this ET Bible Study. I hate discussion groups, so much. But at the same time, I want to learn more about this stuff, because I know pretty much nothing about any of it. I dunno, we shall see. On a different note, I feel like things within our own group have changed from what they were last semester. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's not. I find myself rethinking thoughts I had been able to get rid of last semester. And I don't really like it, because I know I'm just being silly and thinking too much. But I also know I'm not the only one who disagrees with some things that, I think, are getting old and tiresome. But whateva. I just saw that my stuffed frog has a little plastic Denny's sword sticking out of it's eye, interesting. Can't remember when I did that, haha. My laundry will be done in 20 minutes. Dating is interesting. It's weird though, because people call him my boyfriend, but I really don't think the title fits until we're actually in a relationship. I want to change my status back to single on Facebook, but I don't want everyone to go into freakout mode, especially my parents and aunt, yikes. I feel like a jerkface though, because he's trying and I feel like I'm not. I gotta work on that. He's great and is always willing to do things for me, and I feel like I dont deserve it. Maybe I'm just too used to doing things on my own. In church, we learned that love is not selfish and it should be about the other person. He's doing a great job with thatand I'm sucking at it. Perhaps it's a good thing we're only dating. I has lots to learn. :)

I want to be a world changer. I want to help as many people as I can. I'd love to just travel the world to poor countries and do what I can to help them. I want to make the sun shine visible to people who have only ever seen darkness. Maybe this is my calling in life, maybe this is what God desires for me to do. I want the love of Christ to just flow from me and touch the lives of those who would have never felt it otherwise. I want to surrender to His will. I just don't know where to begin. Perhaps within my own heart? My eyes feel really weird, like dried out or something. Going back on topic, so yeah, this is what I desire most for my life. 12 minutes. I think I am going to end there. Can't really think of anything else I want to say. Goodday mates!

Compasses

Yesterday, I woke up and I had this feeling that I was going to have a really good day. And I was really happy. And now I why. Last night, Nick and I were hanging out, playing games, and then he asked me if I was still interested in dating and I said yes. And then he said he wanted to date me and I said ok. So we're dating! About time, heeheehee. But it's just proof that good things really do come to those who wait. Who woulda thunk? I think I wasn't the only one waiting though. I had the suspicion S.B. liked him too, because she was always asking about him and stuff. And her status last night kinda confirmed it. I don't even really feel bad either. Oops.

I was sitting in my Shakespeare class yesterday and I had just turned off my Ipod before class and it was Owl City playing when I did. I was sitting there thinking about "If My Heart Was a House," and the few lines that say, "Circle me and the needle moves gracefully," and "If I was a compass, you'd be north." I realized that God and Jesus fit this perfectly. We are the compass. Jesus is the needle. God is North. We use Jesus to point us in the direction of north, our Father. And in the end, we will always be pointing in His direction. Interesting, eh? I thought so :-D

I am so in love with "Sweetly Broken!" I absolutely love it at the moment. I keep listening to it nonstop! Seriously. Good stuff. I think that's all I got for now. Peace out, my lovely friends.

Prince Ali Almost Dead is He Ali Ababwe

I think Ali is dying. It's kind of sad, we bonded so well. He barely moves and barely eats. Poor little beta. If he does die, I know I won't be able to flush him, I'll have to have my roomie or someone do it for me. Anywho, on a lighter note, I have my glasses! So far, everyone seems to like them. I think I like them, they just take some getting used to. We had a firedrill this morning, I jumped out of bed. I hate firedrills. I still had an hour to sleep but I couldn't. Argh. So I came over to the computer lab, the first person to frequent it in 2010! I feel special :D I know there was more I wanted to say, I just can't think of what. Hmmmm. I was thinking the other day, I have a lot to work on. So much. I know I'm not perfect, and I don't pretend to be. I'm trying really hard to change some things about myself this semester. There is so much, like my facebook statuses, I need to be really careful of those. EK mentioned how statuses that cause drama are annoying. She's kinda right. I need to start being very careful of what I say, and think about what I say before I say it. Learned that one the hard way. Anyway, yeah. Change. It's needed.
I can't believe it was a week from today I was getting ready to go to Syracuse, time has flown, let me tell you! I am really excited for this weekend, mainly because I don't have to work. Yay! I dropped a class, so now I'm only taking four. I've reached the point where I don't really care how many years it takes me to graduate. I really don't. I have no idea when I am anymore. Oh well. Why do I always feel like my blogs are boring and unexciting? Is it because they are? Idk. I keep wanting to complain about my books and how much they cost, but I'm not going to because I know there are people so much worse off, like Haiti. Did you know lawmakers are now taxing soda? How ridiculous is that?? I mean, OJ and apple juice and all those other sugary, noncarbonated drinks have just as much sugar, why not start taxing those as well? Not right.
Well, this post is pointless and random. And I have a class to get to. Toodles!