Hanging by a Thread

I can be weird.
I can be creepy and awkward.
I'm selfish.
I like hugs.
I'm a tightwad with money, most of the time.
I can be nosy.
I can get in the middle of things.
I can speak without thinking.
I'm not skinny.
I might not be beautiful.
I can forgive, I have forgiven.
I can push people away.
I can invite people in.
I can be obnoxious.
I can be annoying.
I can be afraid to speak.
I hate confrontations.
I like Twilight, at times.
I can be happy.
I can be sad.
I can hold onto my anger longer than need be.
I get upset over little things.
I can be hurt easily.
I am too sensitive.
I have a strong stomach.
I try to listen to people.
But, if anyone can love me in spite of all this, or because of some of this, then you are a true friend. Most of these are things I can be or sides of me you have seen. However, it's not who I want to be. So please bear with me as I search for myself within all of this.

Something to Look Forward to!

I am SUPER excited about April 24th!!!!! I'm a tad worried about money, but I know I can do it. I'm also really worried about telling my parents because I know they won't be very pleased with me at all. They're always telling me about saving money and using it for textbooks and tuition and such, but this is seriously a once in a lifetime opportunity for me! I'm doing it. The tickets are bought, so there's no going back, haha. I haven't had something so big to look forward to in a long time. I'm gonna take advantage of it. I'm watching Bride Wars with my fam. I think Anne Hathaway is one of my favorite actresses ever.
I realized yesterday that this past Friday was Christmas, this coming Friday is New Year's and next Friday is my 21st birthday!!! And 2 weeks after that, it's back to Oz we go! Hahaha, get it?? Oz we go, Os-we-go, heeheehee :D Sorry.
Ahhhh! Ya know how people say they feel completely changed once they're saved. Me, nope, didn't happen. I mean, I did feel like a burden was lifted, but I never truly felt on fire for God or anything, and it kinda worries me. I want to be changed. I feel like God should have changed me, but He didn't, and it instills in me feelings of anger, frustration, hopelessness (that I'll never be changed for the better). Blah. How much do I really matter in this world? Idk. Steve Urkel made a good point today on tv. He said, "You have to like yourself, no, you have to love yourself for who you are, so why don't I listen to myself?" I liked it cuz that's exactly how I feel. Yup. But, I've decided I'm going to try my best to brighten other peoples' days, even if I can't see through the fogginess and dimness of my own days. Cuz that's what people want, someone who will make them smile, not someone who just goes on about their own troubles. So that's the person I'm going to strive to be, while I search for the person I need to be.
Oh lifeeee, you sure do keep my interest, haha.

It's ok to say X-mas

Yesterday was Christmas. I had a lot of fun, for the most part. Me and my older sister bought my parents a new laptop. When they opened it, my mom was so touched she started crying. I was more excited for them to open their presents than I was about opening my own. The funny thing is that on Christmas Eve, my dad said we were all going to have a computerless day oon Christmas, and later that day I told him he was going to regret saying what he did, but he couldn't remember what he had said, hahaha. And then he ended up breaking his own rule the next day, and all his Facebook friends were bugging him about it :D All in all, it was a good day. Only one thing got to me and that was my grandpa getting on my case about China. But I think they have a good point. It would be better if I went after I graduated so that when I come back, I'll have a degree to fall back on and won't have to worry about finishing my edumacation. I think I'm at 40% yes and 60% no. We'll see. In other news, I watched My Sister's Keeper last night and I was very disappointed in the ending. The book's ending was so much better and was such a surprise. I was upset when the movie's end didn't have any surprise or twist to it. I no liked.
Today, my siblings and I went to Walmart. I was hoping to buy a new phone. First, I was told I needed a license id to buy one. So my sis was gonna do it for me, and they ran a credit check on her and I guess her credit's hsot or something so she couldn't do it either. So no new phone for me :( I was mad, haha. Stupid Walmart. I don't know why but I've been kinda irritable all day, since before Walmart. My siblings odn't even really do anything wrong and I get annoyed. Blah.
One thing I dislike about my family having Facebook is that I feel like I have to be careful of what I say in order to avoid unwanted, awkward questions. Or maybe I'll create my own language and let people try to decipher what I'm saying, that'd be interesting, haha. At least at Oswego, I can avoid any questions they might ask.
One last thing I've been thinking about. It seems like I'm always the one texting people, or starting convo's on Facebook or AIM. Why is that? What would happen if I stopped doing these things? Would anyone notice or care? Would anyone do anything about it? I'm curious. Or maybe it's better to not know the answers. No expectations. No disappointments. My philosophy.
Did you know it's ok to say X-mas? Because X is the Greek symbol or something for Christ. So I think we should all stop getting offended and not worry bout it because it's legit, ya know?
I guess that's all I got for now. Adios!

Red Means Stop

Why do I blog so much? Sometimes I wonder if people actually read these. I guess it doesn't matter. I need to just stop everything. Thoughts and emotions I have. Things I do or say. I need to just stop myself. I worry about how much I worry. Haha. I'm not comfortable where I am, but I'm not uncomfortable enough to do something, anything to help myself. I feel fake. Like I'm just putting on a show for everyone. And I absolutely hate it. I feel like my faith is fake. I need to stop relying on others. But I don't know how to let myself rely on Him. Why is this such a struggle for me? Why do I constantly feel the need to be loved and encouraged by others? Why can't His love be encouragment enough for me? In the words of Christina Aguilera, "When will my reflection show who I am inside?"

Were not in Oz anymore Toto!

I must say, my first weekend back home was actually quite enjoyable. Yesterday I spent most of the day making cookies and ended up covered in flour, as did my youngest sister :D When we went to Walmart, my mom bought most, if not all of my presents right there, I thought it was kind of funny. Then I saw the phoen I want...perhaps I will get it or buy it for my birthday. I really want it, haha. Speaking of my birthday, I think it would be amazing if people could find some way to coem visit me *hint hint wink wink* ;-) Today was a really good day also. My mom invited my grandparents my two aunts, soem cousins and few family friends over for Sunday dinner. I think my grandpa has forgiven me for the horrible things I've said. He was actually talking to me and things seemed almost back to normal. It made me happy but I also have this nagging feeling that I don't deserve forgiveness. Just something I need to work on. I'm hoping this break will help me in many aspects, spiritual, emotional, physical. Spiritually, I need to get back on track with my walk. Emotionally, just to be able to figure things out going on with my deceiving little heart. Physically, I want to strengthen my arms so I can beat you once again! Muahahaha. It will happen.
Farmville. I hate it. Right now I am awaiting my poinsettias to be ready, they're at 96%. Argh. I'm impatient.
One thing that bothered me today though was one of my aunts. She brought up China and was telling me I was not going next year and I am going to stay here and finish my education. I just sat there, I have no idea why but I wanted to laugh. I wasn't taking her very seriously. I mean, it's not up to her whether I go or not. It's not even up to me really. It's up to Him and when He speaks, I want to be ready to listen and act.
Around this time of year, we always hear about all these people who are in need, and of people who have caring enough hearts to do what they can to brighten peoples' holidays. I want to be one of those people. I just want to help as much as I can. I think it would be cool to start a charity or something. I just want to be able to put smiles on peoples' faces. Seeing them happy always makes me happy :)
97% ready!! they need to hurry!
In the words of Porky Pig, "Th-th-th-that's all folks!"
Oh, one last thing, my family is addicted to Farkle, some sort of game on Facebook. Farkle, farkle, farkle. Although, my dad thinks they should change the name of it to something less appropriate :D

Only Time

So I was originally typing this in my room but then I went to latenight before it was done so I decided to type it here in the computer lab. I got a little taste of what next semester could be like. Full of awkwardness and I dunno what else. Tension perhaps? I love you both and I hate that things have turned out like this but it's not my fight to be fighting. Pride gets in the way of a lot of friendships, something I've learned throughout the past year or so. I honestly don't know what I would do without both of you. You have both helped me so much this semester, just by being there, through good times and bad. I want to hang out with both of you but I don't want to put either of you in awkward situations. Guess we'll have to wait and see.

Last night, at dinner, you called me your BFF in a text. I've been wondering if you were serious or if you were just being you. I think it'd be cool if you were serious but I'd completely understand if you weren't. It really wouldn't bother me. I didn't think we'd reached that level of friendship, but maybe I'm wrong. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into this. Eh, I tend to do that quite often, haha.

I'm happy to see Andy hanging out with us again. I've missed that dude. I didn't realize I did until he came back to us. He's a cool guy. Fun to be around. goofy at times, but also a good person to have God talks with. I love him, in a brother in Christ way of course.

There have been so many people at meals lately. I love everyone, don't get me wrong but sometimes it's just nice to have a quiet meal with like 3 or 4 people. I miss it. It instills in me this urge to just go to meals alone sometimes. Oh well. Two more finals and two work shifts! A college student's work is never done, ugh. I'm so tired, of work and tests and classes. I just want to relax. Tomorrow will be a week until Christmas! Crazy. My roomie leaves tomorrow. Kinda sad cuz by the time I get back to the room tonight, she'll probably be sleeping already so we won't get to talk before we go to sleep :( I love her lots.

So yeah. I'm going to go finish my paper, and study for my last two finals while listening to some Christmas tunes. Peace out girlscouts!

Tiredness=No Studying

I'm tired. Should be studying for my math final. I don't think I'm gonna. Instead I'm going to entertain you with this blog post, although I don't know exactly how entertaining its going to be, haha. Lately, especially during Church and BASIC, and mainly during worship, I just start crying. I think I have an idea why. My dad has been on my heart a lot lately and my heart just cries for him. I also think some of it is guilt. Guilty for being so doubtful of God and so...idk. I think the guilt as ohas to do with the fact I find it hard to forgive myself for alot of things. I know I say mean things to people, or on Facebook, to my friends, to my family. And then they forgive me, sometimes quickly, sometimes not as quickly. I just always feel like I don't deserve their forgiveness, at all. I think of myself as a horribe person and I can't forgive myself for being horrible. Am I making sense? Aghablagha. I feel guilt for thinking God has turned his back on me. In my head, I know He hasn't, but in my heart, I dunno what's going on there. Or is it the other way around? I has not a clue. I wish my heart weren't so confusing, I'm beginning to think it ha a mind of its own, haha. I just know I'm in the dark, searching for the light that I've lost and desperately need back.

Today, I got a hug from Anthony DiPierro, it was awesome. One more week! Time has flown by. Crazy stuff. I realized there's less than 2 weeks til Christmas! Whoa! Anyway, I am going to go milk a cow or shave my head or something. Adios!

Is this a dream? If so, please wake me from it

I'm falling, and I'm falling fast. Is anyone going to be there to catch me? It doesn't seem like it. Is anyone going to care? It doesn't feel like it. I just don't want to care anymore. Not a big fan of my life right now. Anyone wanna trade?? This was not how I wanted the semester to end. But I guess we gotta have a sour ending to a semester that began sour. At least there's some consistency. Nothing else has been consistent, except the sourness of the whole semester. Yay. I can't stand any of this. I'm so lost in the dark, I can no longer see the light. Is it worth even finding? I have no idea anymore. I really don't.

I need to see Nick. I haven't seen him since Tuesday. It seems like he's the one stable, consistent thing in my life.

Here's to hoping things start looking up. Night.

Numb

I absolutely love Linkin Park's "Numb." Fits me at the moment. I'm sorry if this sounds like oyur post, it's not meant to. I just feel empty, void of any true feeling. Like whatever happiness I feel is merely surface deep. The only other time I feel is when my heart starts aching for my dad and how badly he needs Jesus. I get so sad, sadder than I've ever felt for anyone. I absolutely love the DiPierro's. Anthony always knows just what to say, it's like he knows every person's individual prayer needs. So cool. I also loved it when Lisa moved up next to me and prayed for me. She was crying more than I was. It really meant a lot to me and touched my heart. I love her so much. When that kid came up and he started crying at the end, I just wanted to run up and hug him. I guess it's just my nature, when I see someone crying, I feel this need to hug them. I dunno why. Interesting.

I just want to feel special, like I've made a difference in someone's life. I just want someone to be like, "That Deanna girl, she's got this and this going for her." I just want to feel important. I don't want to be forgotten. It seems like everyone has someone and I have no one. I'm talkin mainly friendships here. Idk. Blargh.

There was one more thing I was going to say. I forgot. Oh, I remembered! I am really beginning to dislike myself. I'm stuck in this rut and don't seem to have a strong enough desire to get out. I hate it. And yet, I just stand here, telling myself what I should do, telling other people what they should do and not actually do it myself. I feel hypocritical. Anywho. I have a paper to write about the importance of family in a child's life. Toodles.

Did You Know?

Did you know God needs us as much as we need Him? That's something that hit me yesterday when a song was playing at the Gospel Choir Concert last night. Interesting. I like it :)

Here are some poems I wrote suring my workstudy job cuz they ran out of things for me to do and I was bored, haha. They may not be great but I don't care. None of them have titles. I'm not that creative.

1) I wonder if people can see through this visage
See that the smile I wear is for their sakes
Do they see the pain that squeezes my heart,
until I no longer feel?
Do they see the fear that renders me
incapable of leaving everything behind?
If I can only fool them into seeing what
they want to see, then
maybe someday I can fool myself into
seeing what I want to see.
Just maybe.

2) Everyday is a new battle
I find myself asking, "What am I living for?"
That's when I hear Your voice
gently whisper, "What aren't you living for?"
You speak the truth, because You, alone
are my everything
The One who gives me air to breathe,
courage to stand firm.
If I didn't have You, I would have nothing.

3) This might hurt
so please don't laugh
once they're gone
there's no going back
who will still love me
once I remove these layers
that keep you from
seeing the real beauty
that is me.

4) Lord, I see You
But I am rooted here
You seem so out of reach
When You really aren't
I can't help but wonder
if it's worth it to move closer
Your love is so intoxicating
It pulls me nearer to You
With hesitation, I fall
into Your welcoming embrace
And breathe a sigh of relief
because I realize every painful step
was worth the mercy and grace
You have flooded me with

5) Your gentle whispers
calm my weary soul
i am swept away
by Your love.
it's captivating
and I praise You
for seeing in me
the beauty that
appears invisible
to everyone else

I hope you enjoyed reading them. If not, oh well I guess :-D

Dee

I Plead the 5th

I've decided maybe myself, and everyone else would be much better off if I didn't talk. Lately I feel like sometimes when I say something, I'm never given the chance ot explain myself and people are qucik to judge and automatically think me creepy or weird. I'm kinda getting sick of it. It's like people are judging me based on what I say. But whatever. Maybe I'll just gho back to being the quiet one who rarely says anything. But whatever. Another thing I've noticed is how people are starting to think of me as the one who does what everyone else does, like a follower or whatever. I think its time ot change that, start doing things the way I want, when I want, not caring about whatever anyone else is doing. This blog is meant for me to just rant right? Well I guess that's what I'm doing. But whatever. This is just me being blahhhhhhhh.

Hide and Seek

This break has been good and bad. Good because I truly felt my heart break for two different friends, for very different reasons. It's amazing how much you can learn from someone just by saying, "Hey, what's goin on?" I might not be good with giving advice but I am good at just listening and offering encouragement...I think. On Thanksgiving, as many of you know, my mom went to the hospital where at first they said she had pancreatitis, then they changed it to a hiatal hernia. She came home and rested. Today, she went back because she couldn't stand the pain. Again, they suspected pancreatitis and said she may have to stay in the hospital for a minimum of 2 weeks. Once again, they changed their minds and said she has a hiatal hernia and an infection in her esophagus, which means can't eat anything, only liquids. We went to visit her tonight, after me and my older sister got in a fight, Aladdin was involved. I threw the tv remote, it broke, my bro fixed it. My lil sis ratted on all of us. I got mad at her. We left. I'm not proud at all, it's times like those when I don't like myself. Sowe get to the hospital, I'm an emotional wreck. I wanted to pray for my mom really badly before we left, but I was cowardly and didn't. Oh well I suppose. Then we left when visiting hours were over. I have no idea why but the whole ride home, I couldn't stop crying. Even when we got home, up til like ten min ago, I was crying. I decided to read my Bible. And then I prayed hardcore. Both seemed to help quite a bit. Gotta love God!

Where did our relationship go? Where did the fun loving, happy dad I once knew go? I miss you. I think I see you, hiding behind the sadness and despair that grips his heart. The landscape around you is gray and all the nature around you is fading away and wilting. The air feels heavy and starts weighing you down. With nowhere to turn, you let it bring you down. You find yourself grasping for something, anything to keep you from going down completely. If only you knew, there is hope. And He will always hold you up, no matter how black the clouds get, it can't rain forever. If only you knew, He loves you, I love you. Just come out of that hiding place, look around you, nature is full of life, your almost dead heart beats faster. Breathe it all in. It's all for you, He gave it all to you, just close your eyes and find rest in Him, He will bring you the joy and peace and hope you have been seeking. He's waiting for you with open arms, all you have ot do is let it all go. Just let it all go. He'll take care of you. I promise, He promises. I grieve for the dad I once knew. I just want him back. It's safe, you can come out now. No longer will you have to hide in your pain, but forever, you will be able to rejoice in His presence.

I don't know how much longer I can keep this in. Usually I'm good at keeping things locked up insie but this is one thing I really want to say to you but I will not. Zip it, lock it, put it in my pcoket. And in the meantime, I will continue to turn my heart into a much better home for Him, so there's no room for anyone else, at least not until He wants me to make room.

Something new has been taunting and tempting me. I never thought I'd be the type of person to resort to it, but I was wrong. I never understood how people could get enjoyment out of it, not even enjoyment but a sort of emotional relief, but I'm beginning to understand better. But like many other temptations, I'm going to rely on God to help me resist this one. He has the strength, I most certainly do not. I haven't given in yet. And I pray I never do.

Lastly, I'm getting kind of sick of being known as the creepy one. I think I might start toning it down. So yeah.

Let's boycott Thanksgiving Day!

I realized something. Actually, I've realized a lot of things. But let's do one at a time. Thanksgiving Day is a joke. We should be thankful to God everyday, not just one day out of the year, ya know? I don't like it. Oh well. I'm going to my aunt's house later, for dinner. I have the feeling it's going to be awkward and weird. Idk, we'll see. I feel like a stranger in my home, someone who no longer belongs. But I'm not going to care because I know I belong in God's house and I will be welcomed with loving arms. My dad has hardly said a word to me at all. My mom has asked a few questions abotu China, but not in an accusing way, just in a "I want to know more" way, which I didn't mind. She's at least trying to understand. Ok, enough on that topic.

I am so glad I've told you what I have. It's helped realize there's mroe to you than I thought. I guess I've only ever seen the crazy side of you, and when I say crazy, I mean it in a good way :) I feel like becoming closer to you will help me and my little jealousy issues. We needed to talk. I'm glad I could get a lot of things off my chest and that you were there to lend an ear. It was nice to talk to someone who really understands where I'm coming from. Thank you so much and I'm excited for our growing friendship.

I, too, need to stop letting my emotions get in the way of God. I need to pull myself away and draw closer to Him. I know I have to, in order for Him to really work in my life, but I also don't want to. I don't want to pull away, is that wrong of me? I guess I can't have the best of both worlds, haha, Hannah Montana theme song!

One las thing I need to confess. I am an Owl City Addict. And I have no intention of stopping this addcition! :-D

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! May God bless you abundantly and with His neverending love and mercy.

<3 Dee

Honestly

I love that song by VOTA, theme song of my life right now. I keep asking myself where did it all go wrong, and when will it all go right? I jsut read my Bible, Romans. And one verse stuck out to me. "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." -Romas 15:13. That's what I'm going to keep reminding myself all day. Yup, that's what I'm gonna do.

Sweet Dreams or a Beautiful Nightmare

Lately, I've been feeling so lost and hopeless. For those who don't know, my dad and I got into a fight, he was pretty much going to delete me from his life. But things are slowly starting to look up. Ever since last Thursday, I think I have cried at least once everyday. People have shown concern, which I greatly appreciate. I really do. I almost didn't go to BASIC tonight. For 3 main reasons. One, I didn't want to. Two, to do homework instead. and three, because I knew I wouldn't be able to avoid Annette if I went. I'm so glad I did though! It was super encouraging, Anthony read from James, which is ironic because I read James last night. I realized I can't expct anything to change by doing absolutely nothing. I have to help fight this battle of my mind. It's bound to get a little bloody but it'll all be worth it in the end. I was so, so close to just saying screw it all, to put it bluntly. But during BASIC, I just felt this peace and I knew I wasn't alone in this fight. God is with me. He'll take care of me. God knows I need it, haha. My talk with Annette went really well. I was so happy to just get it off my chest. I think I'm in love with the DiPierro's. They are both wonderfully amazing!

I feel like I'm starting to lose you as my twin. It makes me sad. I never see you anymore. One of the reasons I got upset at BASIC was because I felt like she was stealing you from me, I've felt that a lot lately. I feel like you've found someone better and more fun. Kinda hurts. I pray I'm wrong though.

I feel my heart being pulled in so many different directions. So many conflicting emotions. I am kind of scared that one day I am going to act on certain feelings even though I know I shouldn't. But I don't think I will. Just an irrational fear. Sometimes I think I don't even have the right to feel the way I do, because there are others.

Here's to hoping things start looking up and stop looking so hopeless.

**HIGHLY EMO POST**

God, where are you? I need You so bad right now. Are You holding me? Because I don't feel it. Are You wiping away my tears? Because they're still there. All I can do is sit here and wonder where everything went wrong and if it'll ever be right again. I feel like believing in You isn't even enough to satisfy me anymore. I don't want to turn away from You, Lord, but I feel that's what it's going to come down to. I don't want to turn away from You, but I don't want to turn to You either. I'm sick of feeling like I'm praying to no one. Father, I just need some sign You're listening, I'm slowly slipping under and I don't have the strength to stop myself from going under completely.

My Heart is Tired

Here I am, asking what seems to be a FAQ this semester, why do we have emotions? Sometimes I think we'd be better off without them.

Memo: Never Get Sick

I hate being sick. It really sucks. But last I checked my temp was back to normal, yay! Being sick has helped me realize who really cares enough to check up on you and make sure you're doing ok. It's helped me realize who is thinking of me at any given moment. I'm not saying the rest of you don't, but the people who text or visit me make their concern known, which I am very thankful for. I can't help but think if any of you were in my shoes, I'd be all over doing what I could to help, and I have in the past. I guess I've learned who really and truly cares. Idk, I'm not mad or anything, just some observations. It reminds me of a country song called, "Find Out Who Your Friends Are." Good song. But yeah, thats about it.

JUSTIFIED, SANCTIFIED, NOT ASHAMED!!!

I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I can't say it enough. This past weekend was superly amazingly incredible, I think it was my fave BASIC Conference thus far. Where to start? Friday night! worship was amazing, then we were treated to thre very interesting and entertaining Pastor Jude however you spell his last name...he was great! I went up during the alter call and a red dot leader came up to me and I told her what I've been struggling with and she prayed for healing for me. Throught it all, I wanted to be emotional, I wanted to cry...I couldn't. Then Annette asked ot pray for me but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to tell her what I had just told a total stranger. I felt so cleansed and liek I was wlaking on air when the red dot leader was done. I refuse ot let Satan rule me anymore! Then we went to Denny's and celebrated Shonda's birthday!! I love her. I paid for her dinner, even though they took off most of the price of her dinner cuz it was her birthday :) BEST part of the evening: Ryan's encounter with the cop and having fun with the waiter. I love how going to Denny's is almost always an adventure. Then came Saturday, too quickly. I liked the women's session but I feel like it needed to be more energizing and challenging for us as women of God. Then Saturday morning's session with Pastor Jude (love him). His message really hit home for me and I'm going to be downloading that software onto my computer at some point. Hopefully today. Then the pizza party. It was fun, I wish it was a dance party though, where we could dance to 80's music. Dinner that night was at Ryan's house, yummy lasagna mixed with karaoke, it was a fun, relaxing time. Pastor Jude spoke for the last time Saturday night, which was my fave part of the weekend. When he was talking about going to China and preaching the Gospel, something just opened up and I started crying from this inexplicable grief. Well, I think I know why I felt it, but I'm afraid I could be wrong but at the same time, I don't want to be right. So we'll see. That was probably really confusing, but oh well. Um, what else? OH! I'm thinking about the possibility of going to China with Campus Target. I'm so scared though. So scared. Like when I think about it, I feel myself getting ready to cry. I don't want my fears to get in the way of doing what God wants me to do. I'm gonna be doing alot of praying. ALOT. There are so many reasons for me not go, and the funny thing is, school isn't one of them, haha. I'd have to say money and my family are my 2 biggest reasons. Anyway, anything else? Sunday morning was pretty good, with Todd Cavanaugh speaking about how we're royalty and we were meant to live above alcohol and sex and drugs. So so true. I think thats about it. On the way back, it was funny watching Shonda and Spink throw brownies at Ryan's car. And seeing Miss Hopson was awesome!

On a less happier note, it's amazing how much you can learn about a person when you have to ride in the same car as them for awhile. I found myself getting frustrated and annoyed at Nick alot this weekend. Most of it occurred while in his car, I think. It wasn't anything specific either, it was mostly little things. I felt like a jerkface when I did get annoyed with him though. Idk, I feel like these complicated feelings are dissipating, and yet other, more complicated feelings have arisen. Argh.

I am so afraid. I'm afraid I'm going to go back to the way I was before the conference. Not reading my Bible, not really praying, not reaching out. I don't want to. I am so afraid it's going to happen though, whether I notice it or not. Im afraid I won't be able to flee from the devil and temptation. I have to though, I have to. I refuse to go back. I don't want these to be ust words, I want them to be actions. You know what? I need to have faith. Faith that God really has changed my heart, my thoughts. HE HAS HEALED ME! I refuse to believe otherwise. And that's my weekend in a nutshell, haha. Now I need to actually apply all of what I've learned to my life. I can do it! Watch out world, it's a justified, sanctified, unashamed, loved by God me!

<3 Dee

I hate school. I want to cry. I hate school. I found out today I don't have enough stupid credits to be considered a junior. I want to cry. I'm sooooooo stressed. People in the lab are annoying me. It's probably my bad mood. Forgive me. I'm worried about getting kicked out because of low grades. Especially Chem, ugh, I hate that class. Obviously, the tests are too hard if I study for a couple hrs and still fail the stupid test and the highest grade is an 85. I have a 4 pg paper due on Tue in one of my Eng classes, and just received an 8 pg paper in the same class. UGH!!! And then I have my dad nagging me about the conference and my bank account and my grades. Whenever he talks to me, its about money and grades, what about my life and my feelings? Don't those matter? I need this conference so bad, crazy bad. I just need to be away from school. Maybe I'll let myself fail out, haha. Wouldn't my parents love that? Well, I'm going to attempt to finish this stupid 4 pg paper. Bye.

Princess Themed Birthday Parties

This past weekend, as you all know, I threw Bridge a surprise birthday party, with the help of many people. Thanks to everyone who helped and showed up! I think it was successful, I was surprised to see some people I hadn't even invited, such as Rob and Julie. It was a nice surprise though. Somehow, the theme ended up being Disney princess evne though that was not the goal at all, haha. But we all know having a princess themed birthday party is every girl's dream. After we sang Happy Birthday, Bridge started crying because she had never had a real birthday party before! It made me happy that I made her happy :) We ended up watching The Little Mermaid, to Bridge's request. All in all, I think it was a great evening. Sunday, I got so annoyed with people. It started before Church and got progressively worse all day, I kind of felt bad for getting snappy at times, but I couldn't help it. Sometimes I wonder if people get annoyed with me. Hmmm. Anyway, this upcoming weekend is the BASIC Conference!! Which I am very excited about. I hate how soem of us, me included seem to live from BASIC Conference to BASIC conference. We should be on fire for our Daddy everyday, not just during the conference. We should wake up everyday looking forward to the time we get to spend with Him. But we don't. So much easier said than done. We always say "Shoulda, woulda, coulda." And in the end, those won't matter. What will matter is what you actually did. I feel like I'm being a hypocrite. I am procrastinating so bad right now. Well, maybe not, idk. I just know I have hmwk.

Sometimes, I think people date people in the hope they can change the person they're dating. In reality, they can't. The person has to be willing to change, you can't force them. The person I see is someone who is loud and obnoxious and always trying too hard to impress people. I'm sorry if that's not the person you want me to see. Something else I've noticed is how a Christian gets SO focused on the internationals, he completely forgets about his Chirstian friends. I mean, I knwo it's important to reach out to the internationals, but not to the point where you stop hanging out with and talking to your believeing friends. I think this was talked about in Church or BASIC one time. About how fellowship with your Brothers and Sisters is just as important as fellowship with non-believers. Just some observations.

I am going to end with saying my roomie has swine flu!!!! Idk why, but I find it exciting, as long as I don't get it, haha. She went home for the week. I'm going to be lonely. But I'd rather she went home to get better than stay here and run the risk of getting me sick, or anyone else for that matter. Th-th-th-that's all folks! ch-ch-ch-china!

The Ultimate Piggyback Ride

Last night, me, Bridge, Shannon and Lisa were picked up by Pastor Jake. We went to his house for dinner, which consisted of homemade chili (tasted like my mommy's), cornbread (also tasted like my mommy's), chciken pot pie, salad and pear crisp. It was a nice change from dining hall food. And it was like a taste of home for me. Then we made our way to prayer night at New Cov, which was pretty amazing!!! Lisa went and sat on the floor near the wooden cross and was praying. I was laying in a pew and eventually went and laid down in front of the cross. I was surprised to hear Lisa crying. There was a guy who came over and prayed for her. All of a sudden, something popped into my head and I had the urge to tell Lisa. I couldn't get them out of my head so I went over next to her and she reached for my hand. I told her that Jesus loves her and has the most amazing future planned out for her and all she had to do was let God int oher heart. I told her He will always be there, to lend an ear or hand. I thne otld her it's like playing follow the leader, He's the leader, she's the follower. Except when things get rough, then He carries you, and givs you the msot amazing piggyback ride ever, which made her laugh :) It's true though, can you imagine getting a piggyback ride from God? We all know how fun they are, so getting one from Him would be the epitome of amazingness. But yeah, I am SO excited to see what work God does in her. I really believe she'll be ready, if she isn't yet, to give her life over to God. Steph, she's great, I think she wants God, but there's something holding her back, I can't figure out what. I guess I'll just keep praying for her.

My mom is getting a hysterectomy on Friday and is going to be in rough shape for about a week or longer. So please pray that everything turns out ok and that she has a speedy recovery.
I'm listening to "Give Us Clean Hands" which means it's gonna be stuck in my head for the rest of the day, good thing I like it :)

Anyway, one more post will be my 50th!!! Maybe I'll write another post right after this one, just to reach it, but I'll just wait till I feel like posting again. Love you all!

Dee

Blogging instead of paper writing

I'm in the computer lab and I'm freezing. And hungry. I am so glad we had that meeting last night. I think it went really well and having Erin and Pat be there was a good idea. I realized how much I like to complain on here, mainly about other people. I hate it. When did I become like this? Most of the stuff I complain about are issues in my life that I need to deal with, it has nothing to do with other people. It's time I deal with them. So when me and Bridge had our walk, she told me how I need to focus on God and not guys. I knew she was right, I just never really tried to do anything about it, til now. Idk, it's weird. All of a sudden, it's like that part of my heart has become numb for the time being, until God wants me to be in a relationship, with whoever He wants me to be in one with. Like, I don't even see Nick as a potential bf anymore, it's a lil disconcerting how quickly I've been able to let this issue go, after holding on for 2 years! Crazy. I think I was holding on because he was the only guy to show interest in me in a long time and I didn't want to pass up the opportunity, I guess you could say. But ya know what? I have Jesus, and He is more than enough for me. When me and Bridge were talking, I thought of a bumper sticker, or was it flair? Idk, anyway, it said "Dance with Jesus, He will only allow the right guy to cut in." I love that quote so much!

I just need to get this off my chest. Hopefully it won't make things awkward between us. I did like you, for a lil while at least. But I'm over you now, no offense, but guys are becoming the least of my worries now. And I knew it wasn't gonna go anywhere anyway. But yeah. That's all :)

I love you all!

Ped Eggs

I hate them. The grinding sound they make, drives me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once, they put me in this room, a rubber room, with rats, rubber rats, rats? Rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once....I could go on and on. Tonight was a weird night, I've been having a lot of those. I guess it started when we were leaving Hart. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, everyone was gone. So I decided to wait downstairs and eventually everyone else joined me. Idk why, but I felt left behind, a feeling I absolutely hate. Then we went to the Campus Center in search of microbes, which was fun for a lil while but then I got bored and stopped in the Atrium. Bridge and Lisa went ahead without me, and never bothered coming back, again I felt left behind. I decided to make my way over toward the ice arena and then I find out that everyone decided to hide on me. I decided I didn't want to play because deep down, I know this is childish, but old insecurities arose and I felt like everyone was hiding from me, not on me. It was stupid, I know. I left and met Kdee on the way out. I was gonna go to my room but wanted to just walk instead, so walk I did. Then my phone died. I eventually made my way back to my room long enough to charge my phone, then I went over to Scales, bad idea, should've stayed in my room. I got kinda annoyed with people :( I hate that stupid game, the nervous one, so so wrong and not cool. Especially if it's Christians playing, not good. Awkward moments. I think people cause them because it's the only way they know to get the attention focused on them. I guess it works, but I feel like it's always the same 2 or 3 people who have all the attention on them. Idk. I'm just being a grumpy pessimist. Pay no attention to me. I was suposed to spend this weekend in an Amish existence refocusing my sights on God, but work got in the way, so definitely next weekend. I hope. Goodnight.

Bad Satan Bad!

You know how Satan uses our own weaknesses against us? He's been doing this alot lately in my life. Through my family. I know he's using them to try to ruin my relationship with them. I will NOT back down. The word vomit that spews from their mouths is that of Satan, not them. I only wish I knew how to handle it better. I'm used to this but it still hurts. Bad. I am constantly on the verge of tears. Sorry just doesn't seem to be good enough anymore, but what is I have no idea. I love my family so much, thats why it hurts when we get into these kinds of arguments. Why do we hurt the ones we love the most? I have yet to figure it out, maybe because we know they'll forgive us? It still doesn't make it right though. I don't do it on purpose, I don't even realize I've hurt them until they say something. Most of the time, I don't even know what I've done wrong. Do you ever think about how easy it would be to just give all of this up and forget the person God's made you to be? To just throw the towel in when things get rough. How foolish it would be though. And cowardly. I have to remain strong, I have to. I see the light inside me. it's tiny, a candle flame, I will keep going until it's burning brighter than a 10 million candles.

I'm tired of being the pursuer, I just want to be the pursuee, if thats even a word. Like I care, haha. Maybe it's someone else's turn to do the talking. Well, I have an essay on how Wheatley's poetry challenges/reinforces patriarchy and gender constructions abound in her works to go write. Adios.

More Than a Love Song

How is it that someone who has known someone else for a short time be in a relationship and yet, I've been waiting patiently for 2 years, 1 if you want to count from the time I was saved, and get nothing? How does that work? It makes no sense. I feel like it's unfair. I don't care if I sound childish. Whatever. Maybe I need to confront him or something. I'm so scared. Scared of what he could say. I'm sick of these conflicting emotions. Why is this happening? I don't know what to feel anymore. Why do I find myself wanting to spend more and more time with you? I need encouragement. We all do. We don't encourage each other enough. I'm not talking the normal "Youre pretty/beautiful stuff." That gets old. I'm talking like really lifting a person up, like commenting on a good quality they have or something. Maybe I should work on that. I should also work on my negativity. I find it coming out more and more this semester and i hate it. Especially towards certain people. Think positive! Thats what I need to do. It seems like everyones moving around. I think I will go against the grain, and remain right here in Waterbury Hall. Im wearing green nail polish, it reminds me of Shan, she gave it to me and it reminds me of her beautiful green eyes :-) If some stranger were to read my blogs, they'd think I was bi-polar and/or ADD :-D Oh well. I'm goin to end this post with some lyrics of a song I've discovered that really fits me right now. It's called "More Than a Love Song" by Fireflight, love them!

Look into her eyes
You can see she's crying out
She hidesbehind her smile
You can see the pain of doubt
And if you would hold her close
You could feel the brokenness inside
You would know she feels alone
She feels empty

She needs more than a hug on a holiday
She needs more than a smile on a Sunday
She's not looking for you to fix what's wrong
She really wants to know
Really wants to know she belongs
She needs more than a love song

Listen to her now
Broken is a beautiful sound
She's a little scared
She's afraid of falling further down
But maybe if you let her know
And gave her just a little hope
Somehow if she knew the truth
She'd come alive

She needs more than a hug on a holiday
She needs more than a smile on a Sunday
She's not looking for you to fix what's wrong
She really wants to know
Really wants to know she belongs
She needs more than a love song

Yup

I am sooooooo stressed right now, so stressed I want to cry, I have cried. There's an underlying sadness causing these tears. I wish I knew what it was. But being stressed is the icing on the cake, I guess. I will be deactivating Facebook and plan on having no social life this week. Yippee. Not. But it's a must if I plan to get through this semester. Yeah. Fun stuff amigos.

I like ramen noodles, but not the juice

Do I blog too much? I feel like I do. Oh well. I'm sittign at my computer eating Ramen noodles and listening to "By Your Side" by I forget who, good song though, I LOVE it. Got it off Ryan's roadtrip cd :-) I just don't understand people. How can you move into a relationship so fast?? seriously? i can't help but wonder if this person even asked for God's guidance or anything. but i will hold my tongue and remain neutral. i know what will happen if i don't keep quiet. i just feel like it's too fast. whatever. maybe i'm completely wrong, definitely a possibility. ya know, i thought i was good at kickball, until i played with people who are better than me. i got really annoyed at people, mainly a person. he was soooooo cocky and arrogant, worse than usual. i didnt really have fun. i wanted ot leave before the game even started. i'm just being a negative nancy, don't mind me. i feel like people were taking pity on me and felt the need to treat me special, especially bz. he told me he tried kicking the ball toward me at one point. why? so i could catch it and make it seem like im good? lame. i didnt think i was that bad. i've realized why i hate sports. in middle/high school, i gym, i was horrible at them. it seemed like people judged me based on whether or not i could play well. i couldn't, which definitely lowered my already low self-esteem. i have better self-esteem now, but playing kickball brought some of it to the surface again. but i survived. im not sure i will be doing any more of these sporting events of kdee's. i prefer to watch. Did you know Jesus loves you? He does :) Crazy, right? im tired. trnasformers 2 was good, but not great. i can't see how they could consider it a kids movie, so much swearing and sexual references, im worried for the future generations.

its been a weird semester so far. it seems like satan has found our biggest weaknesses and using them against ourselves and against each other, at times. but guess what? WE WILL OVERCOME!! we have something he doesn't and thats the love of Jesus. it's alive and everpresent in all of us, it's up to us what we do with it. i need to go wash my roommate's hotpot out and silverware, using her dishsoap and sponge :-D

<3 dee

Why are you looking for love?

Last night went well, I think. God gave me the courage to say what I've been needing to say. I only pray the healing will begin. When I was thinking about last night, all I could picture was me with chains aorund my hands that were holding me to the ground with Satan dancing around me. Then Jesus came in and freed me from those chains. Bye Satan! I'm excited to see the good that is bound to come out of this. I have had a great day. i'm falling in love with Jesus all over again! My heart is just overjoyed. But there's something else thats been on my mind lately. Tuesday night, Ryan talked about how we all have something special and unique about us. I fee like I don't have anything special about me. I'm just average and don't have anything to offer anyone. I just want to light up someone's world. It seems everyone has someone like that. I don't and it hurts. I also need to be needed. I want to be wanted. I just got really sad all of a sudden. Perfect example of how life is one huge roller coaster ride, haha. blahhhhhhhhh. I am so overwhelmed right now, with everything. Honestly, I don't think I'm going to the bonfire because I want to use that time to do my neverending pile of hmwk. It sucks. " Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up. I need Your loving hands to come and pick me up..." Isn't it amazing how we can stumble and stumbe and stumble some more, and Jesus is right there, waiting to pick us up and dust us off? And He will still love us no matter what? It's mindblowing to me. I just pray I stumble less and less as I continue to grow and heal. "By His wounds, we are healed...." Amen!

.....

I'm really nervous about our date tonight. i want to cancel it again. but i know i can't. i don't think i've ever been more nervous in my life. i know only good can come out of this. God will take care of me. I need Him to take care of me. Because I can't do this alone. I just can't.

In A Room Full of People...

...I feel alone. yeah. no other way to put it. i've cried a lot today, alot of it had to do with reflecting on things that need changing in my life. things i don't want to deal with anymore. i hate feeling like this is out of my control. at outpouring, zach talked about how to know if you are ready for dating. bridge said she felt like i was ready spiritually, if only she knew, i totally am not ready. i know what i have to do though, i just need the courage. its all a matter of finding the courage. and where does that lie? in Jesus of course!!! so yeah.

i really don't want to do this bible study with andy anymore. if i do, there will be 5 christians helping lead it. a little much, no? one of them being an Aussie, Meg. I really want to meet her so I can tell her she has some pretty big shoes to fill after simone, haha. i miss her like WHOA!

this semester everyone seems to have changed in some way, shape or form. not sure what to make of it. i feel like its been a really weird semester so far. im beginning to feel thaat i dont belong at new cov. but i really dont want to leave it cuz im so familiar with it, ya know? outpouring was good but i wasnt feelin' it. maybe i'll try elim sometime. i dunno. i just feel whatever happened this summer with pastor chuck was not very Godlike. speaking of church, i've been getting really annoyed lately. every sunday we're late for church because we're always waiting for someone. how hard is it to be ready by 9:45? get up earlier if you know its gonna take you so long to get ready. worship is my fave part of church and we always miss a good chunk of it. im sorry if you get mad at me but im sick of holding things back because i dont want people mad at me. im starting to not care anymore. i really am. everywhere we go, we're waiting for one thing or another. i need to work on my patience i guess, along with a million other things. like going to bed at a decent time, haha.

lately, ive been desiring physical closeness. someone to cuddle up with during a movie or something to that effect, is that bad? i just like hugs. especially ryan's and bridge's, they give the best hugs ever!! im not a fan of favoritism. ive been feeling it alot this semester, coming from different people, whether it be from people at church or within our own group. yah man. i think thats everything ive had on my mind lately. oh, i dont like a majority of my fam having facebook, i feel i wont be able ot put anything as statuses anymore cuz one of them will question me about it. and sometimes its not things i want to talk about with them. oh well. i still have blogger, i think. i changed my password. now thats everything. goodnight my beautiful people.

Across This New Divide

I absolutely love that song, New Divide, its amazing!! I really want to see Transformers 2. And HP 6. So I called my dad last night, after not talking to him for 2 weeks. I didn't realize it had been such a burden on my heart. I guess what made me realize how horrible I've been was when my mom told me through my sister's AIM that my dad was hurt and he felt like he was losing me. That just tore me apart inside. I apologized and since we don't really have the kind of relationship where we talk about our feelings, we just kind of picked up where we left off. Then I talked to my mom, and I started crying and she asked me why, and I said because I'm mad at myself for being so hurtful. And then it went on from there. Afterward, I felt so light and free and overjoyed. I love God. I just watched this youtue video called haven-9/11 remix, so so sad. I cried. Like tears were pouring out of my eyes. then I watched Lady Gaga's Paparazzi video, so BAD! Love the song, hate the video. Ok, I woud like to take a minute to remember all the victims of 9/11, those who lost their lives and their loved ones. I was in 7th grade, in my technology class and my teacher walked in late and told us the World Trade Center had been hit by planes. I honestly had no idea what it was or anything. I jsut remember going home and my parents weren't home, they were at a dr appt, my sister turned on the news and we just sat there watching it, even though I really had no idea what was going on.

Sometimes I wish people would trust me. When something's wrong with someone I try to make it known I'm here if they wanna talk. But hardly anyone ever does. why? I know I've made my mistakes, but I've learned from them. So, guys, I'm here if you just want someone to listen. I don't even know why I'm saying this because I know many of you will ignore it. Oh well. I'll always be here for ALL f my friends, every single one of you, k?

Ok, there's a bonfire tonight, so excited. Next friday, there's going to be a movie night. With two movies I'm not really interested in watching. I'm glad there's all these planned events going on but I like spontaneity, just doing something on a whim, like last weekend. I love those kinds of weekends.

I was just thinking, I don't have any best friends. I have close friends, but no best friend, kinda makes me want one. Haha. Whatever, just something I was thinking about. Another thing, there's been something on my heart I really feel God telling me to talk to someone about but I am so scared. Scared that whoever I tell will look down on me and hate me. I came across a quote somewhere that says, "Your greatest rewards lie in your greatest fears." So true and yet, I'm afraid to do what I should. *Sigh*

Enough rambling. I have a lunch date with Shannon, I'm excited, I'm especially fond of her ;-)

Stuffed animals, nametags and cellular devices

I've been thinking how different this semester is turning out to be. I think a good different though. Last year, in the beginning I always felt like the newbie when I first started hanging out with all you lovely people. but this year, I don't feel like that anymore and I find myself wanting to talk to new people, and getting to know them. I just want them to feel welcome and be able to experience the love and caringness I'm sure we all feel when we're together. Or even when we're far apart, actually. I just want people to feel like they belong to our "group", not sure how else to word it. Andy wants ot do an international Bible study, and wants another Christian to be there to help lead it. He asked me to pray about it. Well, everytime I go to pray about it, I feel like God is aleady there, screaming, well maybe not screaming, but loudly exclaiming YES, DO IT!!! And I really really want to do it. I think it would be so much fun and I would definitely be stepping outside my comfort zone. I gots my new puter!!! It came the day before yesterday. Come to think of it, this my first blog post written on my new computer, that's exciting. It's official, I haven't talked to my parents in a week. I think this is the longest I've ever gone without talking to them. I think I'm going to write them letters this weekend. I'm not sure if they'd answer the phone if I called them. So, at the moment, I am completely addicted to two songs. I keep playing them over nad over because I love them so much. They are Lucy by Skillet and New Divide by Linkin Park. The first week of classes is officially over!!! 3 day weekend ahead! YAY!! I'm excited for it. I feel like my blog should be organized, like my thoughts should make sense and be nat and orderly, but ya know what? that's not who I am. I like my blogs to be spontaneous and random and go all over the place. So if osmeone doesn't like it, oh well, I' not forcing them to read it :-)

<3 Dee

Forgiveness

I was working at Lakeside the other day and I was thinking about certain things going on in my life and with my family. I've realized I am a horrible person. Regarding my last post, who am I to keep my family from feeling my love and compasssion? I do not have the right to hold back that love. No matter what has happened in the past, they deserve my forgiveness. I have forgiven. And when I did, my heart just filled with joy and it lightened so much, I was super happy!! And I thought, I don't care if they don't forgive me for saying such horrible things, because I have forgiven them. I feel like I don't deserve their forgiveness anyway. I have no idea if any of this makes any sense to anyone but it does to me. And now all I want is for my grandpa to get well and for his kidney to be restored to full health.

All summer I have wanted to hear "How He Loves," and today in church, we sang it!! I was sooooo excited! Church was awesome today. The end

A Great Way to End a Great Summer

I had these plans to write about all the fun I had at camp. But at the moment, I am being lazy. I love camp. It's so much fun! So this past weekend we went on a roadtrip. All over the place. To Kdee's house. To Heather's house. To two different apartments. It was such a fun weekend! I got to see Shan before she left for China, I was worried I wouldn't be able to. So thanks Ry for driving out of your way for me, I greatly appreciated it. Kdee, I just want to say I have so much respect for you. You are such a strong person. God is amazing, isn't He? Monday night, we played hide and seek in a cornfield at night. The beautiful Heather and I took a walk to find a much needed bathroom. It was an adventure indeed. Then we played Sardines in Walmart. I won! I leave for Oz tomorrow. I am so super excited!!! Yesterday was interesting for me. I was happy, sad, frustrated, worried, mad, etc. Sometimes I just wish my fam was Christian, but I guess they're not for a reason. I feel like this blog isn't me at all. Idk. I just don't feel like blogging but I'm going to anyway. I'm just so frustrated at boys and and getting very impatient. I just wish something would happen already. I don't know how to explain it. I'm sick of being patient. I'm sick of pretending I'm fine when I'm really not. I'm sick of people's expectations of me. I've recently decided not to have expectations of people because if I don't then they can never disappoint me. Also, if I don't have expectations of someone, then they can totally catch me off guard by doing something nice and unexpected. Haha. It reminds of a saying, "Always expect the unexpected." I don't really know where this is going. I just know I'm in a very blah mood and just rambling on and on. My grandpa's kidney is falling apart and has to start kidney dialysis soon. For reasons I'd rather not talk about right now, I don't really care. Is that horrible of me? He wants to give up on life and I don't really blame him. He's almost 70, obese, and can't really do much of anything anymore. Honestly, what does he have to live for? And he himself has said these things. I kind of agree with him. So he is really against doing dialysis because he's sick of living. It's not like he's suicidal or anything though. I thought I had forgiven him but now I'm starting to see I haven't. I feel horrible. I can't help thinking it was my fault. I need to forgive myself too. Because right now, I don't like myself very much. I pray that God helps me see myself the way He sees me. I pray He lends me His eyes so I can look inside myself and think, "Wow, I am more beautiful than I thought." This post is getting very melancholy. I don't like writing melancholy posts. I feel like it's cliche. On a slightly brighter note, my fave part of this past weekend was....ALL of it!! I had so much fun! Thanks again Ry for driving to the middle of nowhere to get me. Btw, Mr. Tumnus says "Hi" and he wishes you had visited him ;-) Zai-Jian my lovely peeps!

<3 Dee

My first official week of camp is done! I am so glad it's over! It was definitely rough. My dishwashing partner, Jessica, was made a temporary counselor so she wasn't even in the kitchen a majority of the time. My "boss", the cook and one of her assistants were so helpful though and pitched in. We were feeding 265 people! And I get to do it all over again this coming week, cuz we'll have 280 people. But Jessica won't be a counselor again so I'll have her and my younger sister is volunteering to work this week too, so even more help! It is os hard to work with Jessica, especially with everyone around her not liking her, which I am working so hard on! Sometimes I can't help but get frustrated. Yesterday, she was supposed to help after dinner but she had to go to a staff meeting for counselors so I was by myself. Sort of. It was chicken pit, which is where campsites have to clean different places everyday and thur, whoever has the least points have to come in the kitchen and work. When she walked out the door, Ken threw his water bottle on the floor and told me he threw it for me since I didn't have anything to throw. I laughed. I love that guy. Which goes to show looks shouldn't matter, he has a mohawk, lip piercing, ear piercings, two tattoos. But one of them says family, which I think is cool. Today I went tubing, it was my first time ever and it was A LOT of fun! And now my upper arms hurt from holding on so tight so I wouldn't fall off. Even though I complain about it, I love my summer job and I'm thinking about moving up to cook's assistant next summer. I love Karen and Ken. They are amazing! Karen and this other woman, Juleah, decided to hold a Bible Study, cuz they're both Christian and I was invited to join in. We've only had one so far but it was cool. We talked about bushes and trees. How bushes have no roots so they dry up and die but trees have roots so they can get water from streams and how we're like trees and Jesus is living water and with him by our side, we'll never get thirsty. It was interesting. And I liked it. the lady I had been watching, June, she died Tuesday, kinda sad but I think everyone knew it was coming :( I'm pretty sure I had a lot more to say, but my brain is tired. I just saw Ed's email about Pastor Chuck resigning, that's sad, I liked him. Just a side note, I love Karen, out of the many Christian women I have met, I feel closest to her. She's like my mom away from home. I have three or four moms now. One in Oswego, one at camp and then my mom :-) Karen is amazing, in case you haven't caught on yet. She's one of the few reasons I decided to work at Oswegatchie again this summer. And if someone came to visit me, I'm sure he'd be able to meet her (hint hint). I am so amazed by God. I only need 2300 to come back to Oz now, thats for fall and spring :-) So yeah, that's another lovely week in the life of me. Love you all!! Oh! So on the fourth of July, a bunch of us played card games and then someone had told us about this parade a bunch of residents near camp had. He told us it was at 1:30 so we all got dressed up in random clothes from the arts and crafts building (I wore an orange curly wig, yellow raincoat, weird tie and a black hat with a big purple flower on it). we climbed into the back of this guy's truck and drove down the road. No one was around. Turns out the parade wasn't until 6 pm. So some of us went into the main building and watched four movies total. We watched Transformers, which I LOVE, Swing Vote (I hated that itidnt tell us who he ended up voting for), Chicago (lost respect for Queen Latifah), and A Walk to Remember (LOVE it!!). Ok, I'm done now. I'm gonna go watch tv now or somethin. Adios.

Feel free to ignore this post

I can't wait to go back to camp. I haven't enjoyed my weekend at all. Everyone's always yelling at each other. My siblings, they act like they hate each other. My parents try controlling my 23 yr old sister who lives at home. I feel no love and it saddens me. I know what I should do, it's a matter of actually doing it. I'm not looking for pity or anything like that. I just need somewhere to let off steam and this is the only place I can. Everyday someone is mad at someone else in my family. I can't take it. I need to get away, so I'm glad I'll be at camp most of the summer. I can only handle my family for so long. That's all I have to say. Bye.

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth...

Ok, now I've broken a record, two weeks without blogging! And Facebook!! And I survived!! :-D So, what have I been doing? Working, working, working. But it makes time fly, it really does. So at work there's another dishwasher I work with and her name is Jessica. She is a lil ditzy. And I was so not looking forward to working with her until God showed me that she's been placed in my life to help learn to have patience and not get so easily fed up with people. I know it's gonna be tough but I think I can do it, I mean she's a nice person, just I don't know. And I've also realized she's there as a reminder not to be quick to judge. I am so proud of myself. I have read my Bible everyday for the past month or so, I think I missed two days at most. However, I'm struggling with how to actually study it and learn from it. And when I do learn something, I have a hard time remembering what I learned and how to apply it to my daily life. Oh well, I'm sure I'll figure it out. I bought this book called "The Wednesday Letters." It was AMAZING!! I suggest it to everyone especially you lovely ladies, it's short so it's a quick read. But it's all about God's forgiveness and how important it is to forgive others. I love it! And it helped me see that no matter how many times I screw up, God still loves me, I just need to learn how to love myself enough that temptation can't help but loosen it's hold on me. That Satan can't help but give up control of my thoughts. Yes, one day I will be truly free and I desperately cling to that belief and desire.



So I've found out that my younger sister, Krystal, believes I don't care about my family at all and all I care about is God and Nick. Ok, first of all, of course I love God over my family, although I'm pretty sure she doesn't know that that's how it's supposed to be. Second of all, my family definitely comes second. Actually, I've learned that God doesn't want to be a priority, He just wants to always be in our lives, He doesn't want a little of our time, He wants ALL of our time! And after everything He's done for us, who can blame Him? Anyway, back to my little rant, she also made the comment that I like Nick, but he doesn't like me, like that at least. Which really makes me mad because she has no idea what we talk about or anything, not to mention I'm 94.372841% sure she's wrong. Ok, enough about that. For those of you who live in a bubble, live sheltered lives, or just don't know, Michael Jackson is dead. I know this might sound kinda mean, but I don't really care. I'm not sure how I feel, I know I should feel sad, but I don't. However, I also don't feel happy about it, I'm not that unfeeling, well I don't think I am. I'm just like, "Ok, he's dead." I dunno. I think I've run out of things to talk about. Ok, I just want to say one more thing regarding the whole divorce idea. I don't think people should be worried about getting married. Because part of the beauty of it is taking that risk and surrendering your heart to "the one" (hopefully) and trusting them not to break it or shatter it to pieces. I think that's part of the whole process. And even if things do start getting rocky, I think any marriage can be salvaged, just watch the movie "Fireproof." I know it's just a movie, but I'm also pretty sure couples go through that same situation everyday. I mean, it's not like I'm using Twilight as an example... :-) I bet you guys get sick of reading such long posts, but it's been two weeks!!! Well, I hope I didn't bore you too much. Love you all!!!!

<3 Dee

Scarred for Life

This is my first blog post in almost a week! I think that's a new record for me. So this past week at camp, I think I cleaned more than I ever have in my life. I dusted off windowsills and doorframes, swept many, many floors, and then mopped those many, many floors. And I painted the wals of a small cabin. And I cleaned bathrooms, one of which had a dead mouse in the toilet. I made soup with it, it tasted almost as good as Ramen Noodles. Only two interesting things have happened to me this week. First, my computer broke. I dropped ir and now the screen is all black and has bright colors, doesn't do anything except make annoying beepy noises whenever I hit a key, which I did often the other night cuz I was mad at it, so I was pounding on the keys. I thought maybe it eould magically work but nope. So one of the camp staff offered to see me his laptop, which is much nicer than mine was, but I have ot wait until the end of summer to buy it. The other thing, which has left me scarred occurred the other night when we were coming back from the best ice cream place in the world, Wishy's. There are three guys and five girls at camp right now. The three guys were in a truck ahead of us girls in a car. They sped up and were way ahead of us. Well, when we caught up to them, it was quite a sight. The two guys not driving were standing in the truckbed, with their shorts and undergarments pulled down aroud their ankles. The driver of our car put on the brakes because she was laughing so hard and couldn't believe what she was seeing. Neither could I, but I also didn't find it quite as funny. I've been spending so much time reading my Bible, and Purpose Driven Life and Lady in Waiting:Becoming God's Best While Waiting for Mr. Right. A book I recommend to all single Christian ladies :-) Especially those who find it hard to wait on God. I know I'm under that category but I'd like to think I'm getting better with it every day. PDL has also taught me a lot about life and such. Today is my parents' 11th anniversary!! Can you believe it? I can't. Sunday is Father's Day, I haven't bought my dad a card yet, oops. Maybe I'll write him a nice little poem or letter. My brother's in NYC, actually he's on his way home right now, he'll be home at 2 am. Then my dad has to go pick him up from school. I'm 20 and I've NEVER been to NYC. Kinda sad. Oh well, I don't think I'm much of a cityslicker anyway. Country bumpkin all the way. Ok, one thing that's been bugging me, actually the past half-hr, are people who always seem upset. Whethre they're depressed about one thing, or angry at someone, or angry about something that happened, or bummed about this, sad about that. I just want to scream and tell them to get over it! Seriously, your life cannot be that bad. You have Jesus! What could be better? I know, I've had my bad days, but I bounce back, at least I think I do. But others are like that all time, always finding something or someone to complain about. I'm sorry, but a Christian should not tell their own family member they hate them. It's wrong and very un-Christlike and I know I'm not supposed to judge but seriously. Idk. I probably sound hypocritical right now or something. And I just want to say I am not referring to anyone reading this, so please do not get mad at me. I just needed somewhere to vent about it. So I chose here. Anyway, I am sooooo happy to be home. It gets lonely at camp, especially when your puter breaks so your only means of communication is non long-distance phone calls. It is so hard but so far, time seems to be going fast. Oh! Guess what??!! Praise thy Father who art in Heaven! I only need 1400 to come back to Oz now! I am so happy because that's about what I'll make this summer. Yay!!!!!!! I excited. By the way, there is one beautiful lady who promised to come see me before she went to China. I would be a very sad person if she didn't :-( I would be very heartbroken. Just so ya know. Um, I think I'm done ranting and rambling, as I seem to do everytime. Guess that just goes to show how random and completely arbitrary my thoughts are. Thank you for tuning in tonight to Dee's blog. Stay tuned for the next exciting post, which will not occur for quite some time. Goodnight. And Goodluck.

<3 Dee

P.S. I dunno, I wanted to put something inspirational here but nothing comes to mind.
Be cool. Stay in school.

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Tomorrow morning I leave for camp. I can't believe how fast time is flying! And I don't know when I'll be able to blog next. On Thursday night, my dad decided to surprise my mom by bringing me and my sibs to the hospital to see her. We made signs that said "We Love You Mom." We stood outside her door so she couldn't see us and held up the signs in the door. She loved it :-) We visited with her for a little while but then we had to go to my brother and sister's chorus concert. It saddened me to leave because I knew she wished she could go with us or that we could've stayed longer. I had a hard time holding my tears back. Later that night she was talking to my dad on the phone and my dad said he couldn't sleep well the night before because it felt weird not having my mom laying next to him. That really touched my heart and got me thinking how if it's God's will, if and when I'm married, I would want my husband to miss me like that when I'm gone, ya know? But, my mom came home Friday night. She's still in pain and often needs to use a walker to get around. She won't be going back to work tomorrow, not sure when she'll be able to. The doctor said she has a herniated disk, whatever that is. I know it's painful and my dad has had them before. Today, my mom told me she called her friend, Ruthie, who is coming soon with her pastor so he can lay his hands on her back and pray for healing. Hearing this made me super excited! My dad thinks she's crazy but I definitely don't think she is and neither does she. Actually, as I was typing this, the pastor came with his wife. My mom, grandparents, neighbor (Kathy), the pastor and his wife and Ruthie stood in a circle around my mom and prayed for her. I kinda feel bad because I didn't join the circle, I just wouldn't have felt right. Idk. Now we just gotta let God do his thang ;-) Now I'm just hangin out with my fam, procrastinating on packing for camp. I have lots of books to read this summer, which'll be good when I have downtime. So me and 12 year old sis, Patti (aka Marshy aka Pattan) has been doing Bible Study with me and Andy. This morning my brother told her he was going to tell my mom that she was studying Jesus Christ, and that made me so mad. I asked him why and he said somethin like, "One of your friends who believes in Jesus has a Bible study." Which made no sense to me and I was like, "Yeah so?" Then he mentioned how mom and dad didn't believe in it. I told him just because they didn't believe doesn't mean my sister can't. Obviously my mom does believe if she asked a pastor to come to our house to pray for her. My brother can be very argumentative sometimes. Oh well. Everyone's gone now and our house is much quieter except the NASCAR race on tv, ugh, can't stand it, sooooooooooooo boring!!! I feel really bad, my mom just asked me why I wasn't in the circle, she expected me to be right there with her :-( I don't know why but pastors make me nervous, not even any specific pastor, just all pastors. I just get nervous talking to them. People are always wanting to see what I'm doing on here and I'd rather they not know cuz this is my one safe haven where I can write my weird, random, crazy, rambling thoughts without anyone questioning me and being nosy. By anyone, I mean my fam. There's just some things I'd rather they not know, as I'm sure we all do. I just want to thank everyone for their prayers and concern regarding my mom and such. They mean alot to me and my mom. So thank you again. I love you all. I'm not sure when I'll be on here again. So yeah. Adios amigos!! I'll be sure to keep in touch with y'all!! :-)

Blah blah blah

Once again I find myself home alone, this time not for good reasons. My mom was at work yesterday and coughed. She heard something pop in her back and called my dad to bring her home cuz she was in pain. She was able to move around. This morning, however, she was much worse. She could only walk when my dad supported her. Her leg went numb and she started having chest pain. So my dad called an ambulance. When it pulled into the driveway my mom asked me to pray for her, for God to take away her pain. I hate seeing my mom like that. She's usually the strong one, the one who gets the family through everything. So it hurt me inside to see her so weak. I know it kills my dad inside to see her in so much pain. I've been praying and praying and praying. It's all I can do. It's the only thing I know to do. I just wish I had someone here I could talk to, I just need someone to hug me and tell me everything's gonna be ok, but I know I won't believe it wholly because God's the only one who knows that.
On a side note, my parents are considering co-signing a loan for me so I can go back to Oz, I would be eternally grateful to them if they did. I can't believe I'm going to be going to camp in 5 days!! I think I'm mainly writing this to keep my mind busy. I'm trying so hard not to question why thses things happen. I'm trying to believe that God has plans for us to prosper, not to harm us. I need to be strong, for my dad and my siblings.
Another side note, I read a book in high school called My Sister's Keeper. It's coming out in theaters on June 26th!! I am so excited. I want to see it!! I love that author, Jodi Picoult. Anyway, I'm done here. Adios.

Another boring day in the life of me

I feel like I have no life cuz I've written so many blog posts lately. I was at the lady's house today and when I was leaving I told her that her daughter, Alison, would be coming soon. And she said "Oh really? I don't like dealing with her, and I don't think she likes me either." I found it kind of sad that a mother doesn't even know if her own daughter loves her or not. It's sad. Her birthday's on Friday, she'll be 66, even though she looks like she's at least 80. I feel bad whenever I leave cuz when I tell her I'm leaving, she gets so sad. In one week, I'll be at my summer camp job, which I'm kinda excited about and kinda not. I think I mentioned that in my previous post, oh well. I finished Genesis last night!! Now on to Exodus. I am soooo excited. Lately whenever a problem arises I find myself praying about it right away, on the spot. I'm so tired, Andy and I were supposed to have a 7 AM Bible Study but he was super tired so it didn't happen. And once I'm up and showered, I can't get back to sleep. I've learned so much through our bible studies. I love it cuz then you learn how you can apply what you learned to your daily life. I was looking through my high school yearbook from when I was a senior and couldn't believe all the people I had completely forgotten. Boy am I glad I am DONE with high school. Please keep praying for my aunt guys, the doctors don't know what kind of tumors are on her liver so they sent her tests to the Mayo Clinic. I am so excited to have the next four days off!! Even though tomorrow I will be helping my dad outside with yard work. And my sister has her high school spring chorus concert tomorrow night. At the lady's house, I found this HUGE Bible! I'm gonna be putting pics of it up on FB, let's hope it cooperates. Lately it doesn't want to. Ok, I'm running out of things to say except I love you all muchly and so does Jesus!!!!!! Rock on homies :-)

Overmashed Potatoes, friends who become strangers and mosquitoes the size of texas

Wow, how time is flying! I just spent the past couple days at my grandparents'...again. Wed night, all my relatives had to go to the hospital for my aunt, so I ate at my aunt's house with three of my cousins. It was one of the most awkward dinners I've ever experienced. My two boy cousins are 16 and 18. Neither one said a word, typical of teenage boys I guess. For dinner we had meatloaf, mashed potatoes and green beans. The meatloaf was burnt on the outside and mushy on the inside and the mashed potatoes were overmashed. It was funny, cuz earlier I watched an episode of Gilmore Girls where rory was making dinner and her mom, Lorelai, wanted to help. Rory warned her not to mash the potatoes too much cuz then they would be overmashed and more like potato soup. So when I was eating dinner that was all I could think of, overmashed potatoes. But earlier today, I thought to myself, ya know, I really shouldn't complain about having to eat disgusting food cuz I'm sure starving ethopian children would have no problem eating it. My aunt came home from the hospital today! She has two lumps on her liver but they're both benign, meaning they're not cancerous. But the docs still want to keep an eye on them cuz they could become malignant. She needs a lot of rest but she's doing much better than she was. God is AMAZING!! Tonight, when I came home, one of our neighbors was here and she has a granddaughter the same age as my younger sister, Krystal, 18. Steph used to come to our house ALL the time when we were younger and I considered her one of my best friends. Tonight was the first time I had seen her in a super long time, like over a year. We have grown apart so much, we had almost nothing to talk about. Steph, earlier in the year, had been at a party and gotten drunk and then she was fighting with a police officer, that's how different we are. It's kind of sad but I was watching Joel Osteen last night and he was talking about how we let some people become crutches and then when it's time for them to leave our lives, we try to hold on to them, when in reality, we need to let them go so they don't continue hindering us from reaching our full potential. Maybe that's why we've grown apart, who knows? Anyway, I hate bugs, especially huge ones, like the ones that show up at night around our front porch. My dad just pointed out this huge mosquito, like the body was an inch long, and the wings half an inch long. Ugh! creepy! But even though I hate bugs, I just can never bring myself to kill them. I don't know why, I just can't. Oh!! Guess what guys??!! I've been reading my Bible again!! Actually, I've only read it for the past two days but I'm excited and when I start reading it, I have a hard time stopping. I'm halfway through Genesis and I read James. Idk why, I'm just super excited about reading the Bible!! Oh wait, it's cuz God is AWESOME :) I start my official summer job on June 7th and I'm kinda excited and kinda not. I'm not excited cuz almost all my summer will be devoted to camp. Hardly any free time at all. Oh well. So my mom was raised Roman Catholic and she sort of let it go throughout the years, but lately, it makes me happy to see her putting her faith in God again, she says her "rosary" every day, I think that's their way of keeping track of their prayers. I'm thinking about giving her The Shack and For Women Only to read. I've also been thinking about maybe finding a local Church and having just the two of us go one Sunday. I'm just really nervous about it, cuz I know she has a very opinionated view on Christians, but lately she's been trying really hard to understand it better. Which makes me happy, on the other hand, my dad wants nothing to do with it :( So I shall continue praying for them both. Enough rambling I guess, I know you guys probably get sick of it ;-) Adios amigos!

A Fun Memorial Weekend

I'm not sure how to start this post so I'm just gonna jump right in. I went to work Sat night and stayed till 10 am on Sun morning. My sister picked me up and we went to Dunkin Donuts to get a drink. We ended up in line for awhile because the lady in front of us ordered five different beverages, and like two dozen donuts. I ordered a med strawberry coolata and since they were out of med cups, I got a large for the price of a med, which made me happy :) Then we went to Walmart to get bottled water for my parents and then we were on our way. We got to the campground after turning around three different times cuz we were going the wrong way. Reasons? My sister wrote down the directions quickly so they were very confusing to read. At one point we turned around because I didn't read the directions off right. Oops. But we finally arrived at Kayuta Lake Campgrounds around noon. When we got there, my dad and two of my siblings were in a ladder golf tournamnet which I am not going to explain, if you don't know what is, there's a wonderful online search engine called Google :) There was a kid who wanted to play but he didn't have a partner, so I decided to jump in and play, we lost 19-21, the score only goes up to 21. My little sister had entered a bean bag toss tournament the day before and won. She won a Kayuta Lake Campground t-shirt.


We proceeded to go back to our campsite and ate lunch. What'd we do after that? Oh yeah, my sisters and I went to the "Arcade" and watched my brother in an air hockey tournament, he lost early on in the game. So we decided to play a couple games of pool, I lost one and won one. Me and my little sister's friend, Delaini, found out that it is fun to poke my brother with poolsticks that have black chalk on the ends. I can't remember exactly what else we did, I know me and my sister, Krystal, went down to the beach for a little while but we didn't go swimming. Around dinnertime, my mom decided to order pizza and wings from a nearby restaurant so that's what we had for dinner. Then we just kind of hung out until 7, we went to listen to a live band called The Fulton Chain Gang. They sang country/southern rock, so I was pretty familiar with it. It was the perfect picture of rednecks. There were a lot of people, over 100 and probably 3/4 of them were drinking. There was a lot room for dancing but most people waited until they had a few drinks in them before showing off their dancing skills. I couldn't stop thinking how when you're a little kid, it doesn't matter if you can dance or not, you're cute. But when you get older, if you're a bad dancer, you're seen much differently. Wouldn't it be nice if we all had that innocence and freedom to just be ourselves without worrying about making a fool of yourself? Eventually, my older sister, Mindy, Krystal, me and my mom all went up there and were dancing, trust me, seeing me dance is not a pretty sight but it was dark, and most people were too drunk to care about anything except not tripping over their own feet. It was cool because I got to see a side of my mom that I've never really seen before. The four of us started square dancing. It was a lot of fun!! All night, we tried to get my dad to go dance with my mom but he kept refusing. Finally, we got to a slow song and they danced together, and it was nice to just sit there and watch them. I love my parents so much <3 So after awhile, we went to bed and woke up at 8ish this morning to come back so my mom could go to the hospital to see my aunt, who is doing somewhat better but she's all loopy from the morphine. Likee she told my mom she had nice rabbits in her pockets and she said "Look at that coffeepot sitting right on the dash of my car!" And just other stuff like that that shouldn't be funny but is. We got back home and my mom went right to the hospital while the rest of us stayed and helped my dad unpack our camper. And on our back from the campground my sister didn't have to turn around once! Cuz we were following our dad, haha. I went to work at one and was done at 6:30. Most of the time spent there I read A Walk to Remember to June (the lady I take care of), I must say, this is one of the few times where I liked the movie better than the book. And now here I sit, writing this blog. I'll have pics up soon from this past weekend. And the past few weeks. And the past few months :)

I was gonna title it "Keeping Busy" but i didn't want to copy Ms Hopson :)

Last night was interesting, I stayed at June's, the lady I am taking care of. It was kind of funny, she asked Shannon, one of the other caretakers for potato chips. She said, "Can I have a few potato chips? I haven't had them in so long I forgot what they taste like." Shannon answered with "What're you talkin about? You just had chips at lunch!" I felt kind of bad for her but it was kinda funny at the same time. This morning I fed her breakfast which consisted of 3 fried eggs and two pieces of toast and coffee. While I was there, I started thinking about how much it would suck if I ever became a burden to my family. That's what she is, sad as it is to say. It would suck to have to sit in a wheelchair all day, not able to read any books or only being able to listen to the tv. Honestly, I'd rather die than go through that, but perhaps that's because i'm just selfish, as we all are at times. But it also makes me that much more grateful for everything I have and everything I am capable of doing. Andy Himes and I had an online Bible study through AIM today. It went really well and I liked it alot, mainly because it was just two of us rather than seven or eight people in one big group. We did the study based on 1 Samuel 1. What did I learn from it? Lots. I learned God is faithful and answers prayers, well I guess I kinda already knew that one. I also learned that if we pray with enough faith to believe God hears us, He will answer our prayers and bless us. Also, prayer should not be about I want this, I want that. It should be more like If this, then I will do that. It should be a give and take relationship, not just take, take, take. We need to be willing to give something in return. What else? Oh, we should not cast our problems to the world, we shouldn't complain to other people about them (which I admit I am guilty of doing), it should stay between yourself and God. And if you have prayed with enough faith, chances are, you will feel much better about it because it's been placed in God's hands and He knows exactly what to do with whatever burden you have entrusted Him with. I have no idea if this makes sense to anyone, but it makes sense to me :) Oh! Funny story, kind of, I was at my grandparents' and I did the ice/salt thing to my hand and everyone thought I was crazy, guess they just odn't understand our awesomeness! I was telling my grandpa about my grades and he was like "Well, maybe if you hadn't spent so much time at Church...blah blah blah" It annoyed me because I'm not gonna to my math teacher's house on a Sunday to get help on math hmwk!! It is my fault I failed math but it had nothing to do with Church or BASIC and I wish people would just understand that, ya know? My aunt is in ICU at the hospital and she needs very frequent doses of morphine cuz she's in so much pain. The doctors found two masses on her liver, one benign and they had to biopsy the other one cuz they're not sure if it's malignant or benign and they won't know for sure until Tue/Wed....so please pray for her guys. I miss my mom's cooking. Since it's just me and my older sister at home, it's a fend for yourselves deal. I just had grilled ham and cheese and some potato chips for dinner, yummy. I'm so excited to go camping tomorrow!! It'll be nice to go somewhere completely different for a change, somewhere that isn't home, Oswego or my grandparent's house, don't get me wrong I love going to all three but sometimes, it's nice to have just a complete change in scenery. Geez, I feel like all I do is ramble on and on about nothing, but hey, I'm not forcing anyone to read about my jumbled and random thoughts :)

P.S. Jesus rocks yo!!!!! <3

Boredom has sunk in

I am home alone, at first Iwas excited but now I am extremely bored. Now I can see how some people go crazy from living alone. Or why old ladies resort to talking to their cats. As I have already said, my parents went camping but I had to stay at home for my job. But I will get to go on Sunday :) Andy suggested I read my Bible, great idea, but I have no motivation, so he came up with the idea to have an internet Bible Study type of deal. We're going to be reading Samuel, and then discussing it through AIM. I started reading Samuel a few months ago but I got bored with it so I stopped...and I'm glad we're gonig to be reading it together because then I can have him explain things to me. I started watching "Religulous" earlier through a website, but I got bored of it. Honestly, I didn't like it very much. Even Facebook gets boring. Not that I do anything on it anyway, haha. I have to go to work soon, I'll be staying at the lady's house overnight tonight, should be easy. My mom just called, my aunt has been in the operating room for the past 2 and a half hrs, they untwisted her intestines, and she has something wrong with her liver, they're going to try and fix it. Ya know what else? I am sick of eating and food. Seriously, if I didn't have to, I wouldn't eat, I'm just tired of eating food, anything and everything. It's weird, I get hungry, but I don't feel like eating anything. I think I want to change my blog layout again. I took a Facebook quiz and it said the thing that interests me most dueing lectures is my pen, which I guess is kind of true because if Iget bored, I doodle in my notebooks and write prayers, sort of like a prayer journal, I write poems when the mood strikes. If it weren't for pens, I'd die of boredom in lectures. Which reminds me! Grades are in! I got a 2.0 gpa this semester (oops) and an overall gpa of 2.5 (eh). Two B's, one B-, one E (can you guess which class? you guessed it!! math) Grrr, oh well, I knew it was coming, definitely need to try harder next semester in that class. Ok, enough random, pointless thoughts for one post. G'day mates!!

La-di-da-di-da

I wish everything was la-di-da-di-da. But at the moment, it's not. Fear has been a big factor in my life recently, ok so maybe it's always been a factor, now that I think about it. This time, there's also a lot of doubts running through my mind. I've been asking myself, why should I keep believing in God and trying to live for Him? No matter how much I want to, I just can't make myself believe in Him fully, there's always a nagging doubt. I feel like prayer is useless, it's become something I do out of habit, not because I want Him to do things in my life, I mean I do but, ugh, i don't know. I guess I feel like my faith only runs surface deep. I hear about all these miracles and amazing things happening in peoples' lives and I tell myself I believe they happened but deep down, I don't, it's one of those "see it to believe it" things maybe? My major is childhood education with a concentration in English, but now I've decided to change it to just English. I don't feel like teaching is the way to go, but I also don't have anything else in mind, except I've been entertaining the thought of possibly opening a bookstore or library, preferrably a bookstore cuz they make money ;-) But I also like the idea of a library so people, especially little kids can come in and just pick a book and be able to read it without paying any money. Maybe I'll do both!! Anyway, I haven't read my Bible in who knows how long and lately I've been forgetting to pray. It frustrates me and yet, I don't have the motivation or will to change any of it. I think I just need a revelation of some sort or something, because right now, I'm in a rut and I think I'm gonna be here for awhile.

<3 Dee

I'm not very creative with titles...

The past few days have been crazy. I just spent Tue and Wed nights at my grandparents' house. Wednesday we planted six rows of potatoes, about 25 potatoes in each row. It was so tiring. And then we did some easier work and planted tomato plants and green pepper plants. Today I woke up and my muscles were sore since I'm not used to manual labor. We went ahead and planted zucchini and squash seeds. Yesterday, I was standing by the garden and all of a sudden, I looked on my shoulder and I saw a bird sitting on it!! It made me jump and sadly, it flew away. But, ya know I'm not used to birds just coming and resting on my shoulder. Maybe I should become a pirate so the next time it happens, I won't be startled. Anyway, everyone has all these new blog layouts and it makes me feel boring and technically challenged, which I guess I am, but I will find out how to change it. So my mom was watching Cops the other night and there was this guy who was a drug addict and when they opened the trunk of his car, there was a Bible inside it! I found it kinda funny. Um, what was I gonna talk about next? Hmmmm, camping maybe? So my fam is going camping this weekend, they leave tomorrow so it'll just be me and my older sister here at home, party at my house!!!! :) But we'll be going on Sunday and staying overnight till Monday. What else? My aunt just arrived at the hospital, she has chest and stomach pain. So please pray for her guys, thanks! Ummm, I feel like there was so much I was gonna talk about and yet I've talked about absolutely nothing. Guess what??!! Nick sent me a Facebook message saying he missed me and it made me super happy to know that at least one person from Oz misses me, I'm not sayin the rest of you don't but I dunno, it's just different when it comes from him, I think maybe because I don't expect it? I don't know why but I feel like God is going to do alot of work in me this summer and alot of big changes, all good, are going to come next semester, I'm so excited for summer to really get under way. `

Hmmmmm.....

I am home for the summer, it's official. It's so nice to be home and see everyone but I know within a few weeks I'll be missing Oz, nothing against my family. I love them all so much, probably more than I let on. At the end of June, I start my summer job as a dishwasher at an FFA camp. For all you cityfolk, FFA stands for Future Farmers of America. Until then, starting tomorrow, I'll be taking care of an older lady who is blind and confined to a wheelchair. I'll have to do some laundry, cook her dinner, feed her, visit with her, read her books, I've been told she loves to be read to, and I lvoe to read so it works out :) I'm kind of excited about this job, I don't know why, maybe because I'm hoping it'll make time go by a little faster, but I'm also kinda nervous, what if she's grumpy or worse, what if she has a heart attack or keels over and dies while I'm at her house?? She can't use the toilet, and she hardly goes to the bathroom anyway, so one plus is I won't have to clean her up if she does, cuz that would just be too awkward for me. Shannan and Kelly are graduating in 35 minutes!! It's crazy how fast time flies. I'm going to miss you both so much and I'll be praying for you always, stay strong.
My mom texts now guys!! It's so weird but kinda cool at the same time. She used to be so against it and all of a sudden, I check my phone and see she's sent me two messages. It makes me excited, my dad also texts, but he absolutely hates it so he doesn't do it as often as my mom.
These are all just random thoughts. There's no rhyme or reason to them. So my roommate was watching me and Nick interact one night and she mentioned to me how I act standoffish around him and sort of disinterested in what he has to say, hearing her tell me that made me feel horrible because here he is, at least somewhat trying and I completely ignore it. For example, he was playing piano and my roomie and I were listening and when he looked back at me, I was texting on my phone which she informed me is kind of rude, and I see her point. And just other things like that. So I guess I have a lot to work on in the future. It was funny, he was playing "It Is You" and he was singing to it, but very softly, and my roomie didn't know the song so all she kept hearing was "It is you I adore." She told me later that she felt liek she was interrupting something personal. So I told her the rest of the lyrics and explained how it was a Christian worship song, which made her feel better.
Coming home has made me realize how many inside jokes we have as a group. I can say something and my siblings are like, "What??" They get confused and don't understand, like we were in my sister's car and listening to the radio. "Don't Trust a Ho" came on and all I could think of was that night at latenight and changing Helen Keller to Kelly Hopson and I wanted to sing it that way so bad but I knew they wouldn't understand. Ugh, I had to get up at 6:30 AM!!! We went to my grandparents' house to split and stack wood, we had to be there by 8. But we were done by 9:30, and now I am in my room, getting ready to unpack some things, and watch Shan and Kelly on a live webcast of their gradumatation. Congratulations ladies, love you!!
Peace out girlscouts. Oh, also, it has been one year since I've been saved and let me tell you, it has been quite a year, wow, I feel like I've been on a rollercoaster ride and the best part? The ride isn't over yet and I'm excited to see where it takes me.

<3 Dee