Hanging by a Thread

I can be weird.
I can be creepy and awkward.
I'm selfish.
I like hugs.
I'm a tightwad with money, most of the time.
I can be nosy.
I can get in the middle of things.
I can speak without thinking.
I'm not skinny.
I might not be beautiful.
I can forgive, I have forgiven.
I can push people away.
I can invite people in.
I can be obnoxious.
I can be annoying.
I can be afraid to speak.
I hate confrontations.
I like Twilight, at times.
I can be happy.
I can be sad.
I can hold onto my anger longer than need be.
I get upset over little things.
I can be hurt easily.
I am too sensitive.
I have a strong stomach.
I try to listen to people.
But, if anyone can love me in spite of all this, or because of some of this, then you are a true friend. Most of these are things I can be or sides of me you have seen. However, it's not who I want to be. So please bear with me as I search for myself within all of this.

Something to Look Forward to!

I am SUPER excited about April 24th!!!!! I'm a tad worried about money, but I know I can do it. I'm also really worried about telling my parents because I know they won't be very pleased with me at all. They're always telling me about saving money and using it for textbooks and tuition and such, but this is seriously a once in a lifetime opportunity for me! I'm doing it. The tickets are bought, so there's no going back, haha. I haven't had something so big to look forward to in a long time. I'm gonna take advantage of it. I'm watching Bride Wars with my fam. I think Anne Hathaway is one of my favorite actresses ever.
I realized yesterday that this past Friday was Christmas, this coming Friday is New Year's and next Friday is my 21st birthday!!! And 2 weeks after that, it's back to Oz we go! Hahaha, get it?? Oz we go, Os-we-go, heeheehee :D Sorry.
Ahhhh! Ya know how people say they feel completely changed once they're saved. Me, nope, didn't happen. I mean, I did feel like a burden was lifted, but I never truly felt on fire for God or anything, and it kinda worries me. I want to be changed. I feel like God should have changed me, but He didn't, and it instills in me feelings of anger, frustration, hopelessness (that I'll never be changed for the better). Blah. How much do I really matter in this world? Idk. Steve Urkel made a good point today on tv. He said, "You have to like yourself, no, you have to love yourself for who you are, so why don't I listen to myself?" I liked it cuz that's exactly how I feel. Yup. But, I've decided I'm going to try my best to brighten other peoples' days, even if I can't see through the fogginess and dimness of my own days. Cuz that's what people want, someone who will make them smile, not someone who just goes on about their own troubles. So that's the person I'm going to strive to be, while I search for the person I need to be.
Oh lifeeee, you sure do keep my interest, haha.

It's ok to say X-mas

Yesterday was Christmas. I had a lot of fun, for the most part. Me and my older sister bought my parents a new laptop. When they opened it, my mom was so touched she started crying. I was more excited for them to open their presents than I was about opening my own. The funny thing is that on Christmas Eve, my dad said we were all going to have a computerless day oon Christmas, and later that day I told him he was going to regret saying what he did, but he couldn't remember what he had said, hahaha. And then he ended up breaking his own rule the next day, and all his Facebook friends were bugging him about it :D All in all, it was a good day. Only one thing got to me and that was my grandpa getting on my case about China. But I think they have a good point. It would be better if I went after I graduated so that when I come back, I'll have a degree to fall back on and won't have to worry about finishing my edumacation. I think I'm at 40% yes and 60% no. We'll see. In other news, I watched My Sister's Keeper last night and I was very disappointed in the ending. The book's ending was so much better and was such a surprise. I was upset when the movie's end didn't have any surprise or twist to it. I no liked.
Today, my siblings and I went to Walmart. I was hoping to buy a new phone. First, I was told I needed a license id to buy one. So my sis was gonna do it for me, and they ran a credit check on her and I guess her credit's hsot or something so she couldn't do it either. So no new phone for me :( I was mad, haha. Stupid Walmart. I don't know why but I've been kinda irritable all day, since before Walmart. My siblings odn't even really do anything wrong and I get annoyed. Blah.
One thing I dislike about my family having Facebook is that I feel like I have to be careful of what I say in order to avoid unwanted, awkward questions. Or maybe I'll create my own language and let people try to decipher what I'm saying, that'd be interesting, haha. At least at Oswego, I can avoid any questions they might ask.
One last thing I've been thinking about. It seems like I'm always the one texting people, or starting convo's on Facebook or AIM. Why is that? What would happen if I stopped doing these things? Would anyone notice or care? Would anyone do anything about it? I'm curious. Or maybe it's better to not know the answers. No expectations. No disappointments. My philosophy.
Did you know it's ok to say X-mas? Because X is the Greek symbol or something for Christ. So I think we should all stop getting offended and not worry bout it because it's legit, ya know?
I guess that's all I got for now. Adios!

Red Means Stop

Why do I blog so much? Sometimes I wonder if people actually read these. I guess it doesn't matter. I need to just stop everything. Thoughts and emotions I have. Things I do or say. I need to just stop myself. I worry about how much I worry. Haha. I'm not comfortable where I am, but I'm not uncomfortable enough to do something, anything to help myself. I feel fake. Like I'm just putting on a show for everyone. And I absolutely hate it. I feel like my faith is fake. I need to stop relying on others. But I don't know how to let myself rely on Him. Why is this such a struggle for me? Why do I constantly feel the need to be loved and encouraged by others? Why can't His love be encouragment enough for me? In the words of Christina Aguilera, "When will my reflection show who I am inside?"

Were not in Oz anymore Toto!

I must say, my first weekend back home was actually quite enjoyable. Yesterday I spent most of the day making cookies and ended up covered in flour, as did my youngest sister :D When we went to Walmart, my mom bought most, if not all of my presents right there, I thought it was kind of funny. Then I saw the phoen I want...perhaps I will get it or buy it for my birthday. I really want it, haha. Speaking of my birthday, I think it would be amazing if people could find some way to coem visit me *hint hint wink wink* ;-) Today was a really good day also. My mom invited my grandparents my two aunts, soem cousins and few family friends over for Sunday dinner. I think my grandpa has forgiven me for the horrible things I've said. He was actually talking to me and things seemed almost back to normal. It made me happy but I also have this nagging feeling that I don't deserve forgiveness. Just something I need to work on. I'm hoping this break will help me in many aspects, spiritual, emotional, physical. Spiritually, I need to get back on track with my walk. Emotionally, just to be able to figure things out going on with my deceiving little heart. Physically, I want to strengthen my arms so I can beat you once again! Muahahaha. It will happen.
Farmville. I hate it. Right now I am awaiting my poinsettias to be ready, they're at 96%. Argh. I'm impatient.
One thing that bothered me today though was one of my aunts. She brought up China and was telling me I was not going next year and I am going to stay here and finish my education. I just sat there, I have no idea why but I wanted to laugh. I wasn't taking her very seriously. I mean, it's not up to her whether I go or not. It's not even up to me really. It's up to Him and when He speaks, I want to be ready to listen and act.
Around this time of year, we always hear about all these people who are in need, and of people who have caring enough hearts to do what they can to brighten peoples' holidays. I want to be one of those people. I just want to help as much as I can. I think it would be cool to start a charity or something. I just want to be able to put smiles on peoples' faces. Seeing them happy always makes me happy :)
97% ready!! they need to hurry!
In the words of Porky Pig, "Th-th-th-that's all folks!"
Oh, one last thing, my family is addicted to Farkle, some sort of game on Facebook. Farkle, farkle, farkle. Although, my dad thinks they should change the name of it to something less appropriate :D

Only Time

So I was originally typing this in my room but then I went to latenight before it was done so I decided to type it here in the computer lab. I got a little taste of what next semester could be like. Full of awkwardness and I dunno what else. Tension perhaps? I love you both and I hate that things have turned out like this but it's not my fight to be fighting. Pride gets in the way of a lot of friendships, something I've learned throughout the past year or so. I honestly don't know what I would do without both of you. You have both helped me so much this semester, just by being there, through good times and bad. I want to hang out with both of you but I don't want to put either of you in awkward situations. Guess we'll have to wait and see.

Last night, at dinner, you called me your BFF in a text. I've been wondering if you were serious or if you were just being you. I think it'd be cool if you were serious but I'd completely understand if you weren't. It really wouldn't bother me. I didn't think we'd reached that level of friendship, but maybe I'm wrong. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into this. Eh, I tend to do that quite often, haha.

I'm happy to see Andy hanging out with us again. I've missed that dude. I didn't realize I did until he came back to us. He's a cool guy. Fun to be around. goofy at times, but also a good person to have God talks with. I love him, in a brother in Christ way of course.

There have been so many people at meals lately. I love everyone, don't get me wrong but sometimes it's just nice to have a quiet meal with like 3 or 4 people. I miss it. It instills in me this urge to just go to meals alone sometimes. Oh well. Two more finals and two work shifts! A college student's work is never done, ugh. I'm so tired, of work and tests and classes. I just want to relax. Tomorrow will be a week until Christmas! Crazy. My roomie leaves tomorrow. Kinda sad cuz by the time I get back to the room tonight, she'll probably be sleeping already so we won't get to talk before we go to sleep :( I love her lots.

So yeah. I'm going to go finish my paper, and study for my last two finals while listening to some Christmas tunes. Peace out girlscouts!

Tiredness=No Studying

I'm tired. Should be studying for my math final. I don't think I'm gonna. Instead I'm going to entertain you with this blog post, although I don't know exactly how entertaining its going to be, haha. Lately, especially during Church and BASIC, and mainly during worship, I just start crying. I think I have an idea why. My dad has been on my heart a lot lately and my heart just cries for him. I also think some of it is guilt. Guilty for being so doubtful of God and so...idk. I think the guilt as ohas to do with the fact I find it hard to forgive myself for alot of things. I know I say mean things to people, or on Facebook, to my friends, to my family. And then they forgive me, sometimes quickly, sometimes not as quickly. I just always feel like I don't deserve their forgiveness, at all. I think of myself as a horribe person and I can't forgive myself for being horrible. Am I making sense? Aghablagha. I feel guilt for thinking God has turned his back on me. In my head, I know He hasn't, but in my heart, I dunno what's going on there. Or is it the other way around? I has not a clue. I wish my heart weren't so confusing, I'm beginning to think it ha a mind of its own, haha. I just know I'm in the dark, searching for the light that I've lost and desperately need back.

Today, I got a hug from Anthony DiPierro, it was awesome. One more week! Time has flown by. Crazy stuff. I realized there's less than 2 weeks til Christmas! Whoa! Anyway, I am going to go milk a cow or shave my head or something. Adios!

Is this a dream? If so, please wake me from it

I'm falling, and I'm falling fast. Is anyone going to be there to catch me? It doesn't seem like it. Is anyone going to care? It doesn't feel like it. I just don't want to care anymore. Not a big fan of my life right now. Anyone wanna trade?? This was not how I wanted the semester to end. But I guess we gotta have a sour ending to a semester that began sour. At least there's some consistency. Nothing else has been consistent, except the sourness of the whole semester. Yay. I can't stand any of this. I'm so lost in the dark, I can no longer see the light. Is it worth even finding? I have no idea anymore. I really don't.

I need to see Nick. I haven't seen him since Tuesday. It seems like he's the one stable, consistent thing in my life.

Here's to hoping things start looking up. Night.

Numb

I absolutely love Linkin Park's "Numb." Fits me at the moment. I'm sorry if this sounds like oyur post, it's not meant to. I just feel empty, void of any true feeling. Like whatever happiness I feel is merely surface deep. The only other time I feel is when my heart starts aching for my dad and how badly he needs Jesus. I get so sad, sadder than I've ever felt for anyone. I absolutely love the DiPierro's. Anthony always knows just what to say, it's like he knows every person's individual prayer needs. So cool. I also loved it when Lisa moved up next to me and prayed for me. She was crying more than I was. It really meant a lot to me and touched my heart. I love her so much. When that kid came up and he started crying at the end, I just wanted to run up and hug him. I guess it's just my nature, when I see someone crying, I feel this need to hug them. I dunno why. Interesting.

I just want to feel special, like I've made a difference in someone's life. I just want someone to be like, "That Deanna girl, she's got this and this going for her." I just want to feel important. I don't want to be forgotten. It seems like everyone has someone and I have no one. I'm talkin mainly friendships here. Idk. Blargh.

There was one more thing I was going to say. I forgot. Oh, I remembered! I am really beginning to dislike myself. I'm stuck in this rut and don't seem to have a strong enough desire to get out. I hate it. And yet, I just stand here, telling myself what I should do, telling other people what they should do and not actually do it myself. I feel hypocritical. Anywho. I have a paper to write about the importance of family in a child's life. Toodles.

Did You Know?

Did you know God needs us as much as we need Him? That's something that hit me yesterday when a song was playing at the Gospel Choir Concert last night. Interesting. I like it :)

Here are some poems I wrote suring my workstudy job cuz they ran out of things for me to do and I was bored, haha. They may not be great but I don't care. None of them have titles. I'm not that creative.

1) I wonder if people can see through this visage
See that the smile I wear is for their sakes
Do they see the pain that squeezes my heart,
until I no longer feel?
Do they see the fear that renders me
incapable of leaving everything behind?
If I can only fool them into seeing what
they want to see, then
maybe someday I can fool myself into
seeing what I want to see.
Just maybe.

2) Everyday is a new battle
I find myself asking, "What am I living for?"
That's when I hear Your voice
gently whisper, "What aren't you living for?"
You speak the truth, because You, alone
are my everything
The One who gives me air to breathe,
courage to stand firm.
If I didn't have You, I would have nothing.

3) This might hurt
so please don't laugh
once they're gone
there's no going back
who will still love me
once I remove these layers
that keep you from
seeing the real beauty
that is me.

4) Lord, I see You
But I am rooted here
You seem so out of reach
When You really aren't
I can't help but wonder
if it's worth it to move closer
Your love is so intoxicating
It pulls me nearer to You
With hesitation, I fall
into Your welcoming embrace
And breathe a sigh of relief
because I realize every painful step
was worth the mercy and grace
You have flooded me with

5) Your gentle whispers
calm my weary soul
i am swept away
by Your love.
it's captivating
and I praise You
for seeing in me
the beauty that
appears invisible
to everyone else

I hope you enjoyed reading them. If not, oh well I guess :-D

Dee