Congrats to Me

Isn't today supposed to be a day where I feel special and happy? well, that's not what's happening. What's happening is I'm sitting on my bed, crying. Why? Because I didn't have my family here to make me feel special. I didn't walk, so that also tones down the specialness factor a lot. Everyone's attention was on the people in the gowns. They got gifts. Not me. I got a gift from Rocky's family, but that's it. I don't even know what to do right now. #feelingalone

Hindsight is 20/20

I don't like this new Blogger look. My college career ends on Saturday. My last final is tomorrow morning. Then it's into the "real world" I go. I'm nervous, yeah. Feel like I feel like I'm going nowhere in life. I can see and hear the judgement in people when they ask me what I'm doing, blah blah and I say I don't know. What makes it even worse is that even my family seems to have no hope for me. My parents aren't coming to my graduation because they don't like that I am probably going to do nothing with my degree. I just want them to be proud of me. IS that so much to ask for? I'm a disappointment to them and it hurts to know that. No, they haven't said it right off the bat, but I can easily tell. There's been so much damage. I'm beginning to feel it's too late to undo it. I'm so lost. I'm tired and weary. I've never felt so defeated in my life.

History 102

I feel like history is repeating itself. I hate it. I feel like because no one ever bothers to invite me to hang out with them, no one wants me around, like they don't care enough to see me. Some may assume it's because I just want to feel included. Partly, yes. More than that, it's just the desire to be around and hang out with friends. Kinda hard when they don't have that same desire toward you. Other people they HAVE to make sure they are invited, everytime. Whatever.

Can't wait for this semester to end. At the same time, I am so scared.

Spring '12 Conferencia

The BASIC Conference was amazing! It was definitely one of my favorites! Kim Walker-Smith did an awesome job with worship :) I absolutely loved Robert Madu. I am actually about to listen to his Friday night sermon again. I bought the cd. There seemed to be a recurring theme for me, and it was "rejoicing in His goodness." You know, He has laid down His life for us, showed us endess mercy and neverending compassion. And there are times when we are disobedient and give in to our sinful natures. But He is still there, waiting for us with open arms of love. He wraps us in His overwhelming presence and dusts us off from our stumbles, falls, and faceplants. God just wants us to live our lives in complete surrender to Him. And most of the time, we are only willing to surrender little to none of ourselves. but that doesn't keep Him from showering us with blessings day after day.

Everytime "Forever Reign" was played, I just cried. They were tears of repentance and joy. I was just blown away by His reminding me of His amazing goodness towards His sons and daughters. His goodness towards me. All weekend was just about acknowledging His goodness and maintaining an attitude of thankfulness for everything He has done for me.

I found out this afternoon that my grandpa is back in the hospital. He has been there so much the past year or so, for various health problems. He had his appendix taken out a week or two ago. Then he had internal bleeding that they were having a hard time controlling. He was able to go home earlier the past week, but an ambulance brought him back today because of stomach pain, most likely from the surgery. So, it is time to take that theme of rejoicing in His goodness to the next level. I know Satan is trying to use my grandpa's health problems to bring me down and make me forget everything that was manifested this weekend. It ain't happenin'. I just pray for comfort and strength for my family because I know it is wearing on them hardcore, and they just want relief from the physical and emotional pain they've been enduring. My biggest fear is that everything that has happened is going to draw them away from God, not closer.

Last night, I got super tired during worship after the baptisms of the Holy Spirit. I was sitting in my chair with my eyes closed, I was actually almost asleep when one of the girls from the NYC Trip came over to me last night and said she felt that God wanted to tell me to stop letting the past control my life and that He wanted to bring healing. And, it was someone that I never told my past to, so I knew it had to be from God. That woke me up, haha. Then I couldn't help but worship Him with everything I had. It was so amazing to see some of my favorite people from the trip. We went to the jamaican place for dinner and just talked and caught up. It was great. :)

A'ight. Time to go listen to Rob Madu get his preach on!

Where does the line get drawn?

I'm the type of person who would do anything in my power to help a friend. One thing I do a lot is offer to help someone pay for something. At this point in my life, my funds are really low. Some friends decided to go to Syracuse for Indian food. I really wanted to go, but told them I was gonna go home because I didn't have the money.

Was it wrong of me to expect someone to offer to pay for me? Especially since I would be willing to do the same for any one of them if possible? Where does the line get drawn when it comes to something like this? Something about this just isn't sitting right with me. I think it's because I know that the people who went would offer to pay for another. Apparently, I'm not good enough? #Findingoutwhomyfriendsare.

What have you learned from this, Deanna? Never be willing to do something for someone that they're not willing to do for you. Got it.

Even the best fall down sometimes

I would like to introduce a friend. Her name is Priscilla and I met her on the NYC Trip. We ended up on the same team together, and then when our team leaders decided to use the buddy system, we became buddies for the rest of the trip. This girl is amazing and surprises me all the time. I had no idea she could beat box until our last night there. I had no idea how great she could sing and rap until that same night. I had no idea how similar her testimony is to mine until tonight.

I've never met someone who really and truly understood what I've struggled with. Until I randomly decided to tell Priscilla. I sent her a Facebook message and then she called me. We had a 20 minute heart to heart and she forced me to reveal things I've never told anyone, things that most people would not want to know. We are going to trust each other to hold the other accountable. I just felt so relieved knowing there is someone who knows exactly what I feel and understands more than anyone I've met and told my testimony to. It gives me hope and strength to finally confront my struggles and not just hide them away and hope they magically disappear. It's going to be hard, but it'll be worth it. It will!

As of late, I've had to re-evaluate a friendship. One thing I've learned from this whole thing is that honesty and time spent together are two of the most important aspects of any friendship/relationship. And, I've learned to never assume someone feels the same way about what stage of friendship you think you are in. I am so sorry things turned out the way they did, and that it caused so much hurt.

One of my biggest pet peeves is ignored texts. I absolutely hate it when I ask someone a question, and they completely ignore me. If you don't want to answer or talk, just say so. But don't leave me high and dry, confused, wondering if I did something wrong.

I lost my keys. Well, it was really only one key and then some rewards things and a few decorative keychains. I've looked in the places I would have lost them, but I can't find them. The one key is my housekey too. I'm hoping my landlord has a spare or something.

Happy Birthday?

Today is/was my birthday. I gotta admit, it was a weird one. I'm used to being surrounded by people all day on my birthday. But today, I was all by myself until Lisa and Tasha came over. They were here for a little while. Lisa is working on a card for me, and Tasha brought me a piece of Red Velvet cake. It was thoughtful. Then they left.

Me, Ryan, Kdee and Shannan went to the DiPierro's for dinner. We told them about the trip and stuff. Annette made me a chocolate cake. She gave me a huge piece to take home. Before Lisa and Tasha came over, I had eaten a piece of wedding cake from Zach and Becca's wedding. And then, when I got home, there was a cake Shonda had made for me. i am going to be so caked out by the end of the week, haha. What was funny about Shonda's cake was the fact that she had placed nailpolishes in it upside down :-D

Tonight, what I was afraid of happening happened. I learned that some people hung out with each other and didn't bother inviting me. I wouldn't have cared so much if it weren't my birthday. And I know Lisa nad Tasha did come over, but it still would've been nice to be invited. I feel like some people didn't really care that much that it was my birthday, as selfish as that may sound, it's how I felt. Negative feelings of the past rose up again. I was really feeling the one sidedness of a few friendships today. I was talking to a friend about this, and they made a good point. They told me that even though, it seemed like some people didn't want to hang out with me today, there are people who weren't able to see me today who would have loved to. That made me feel a little better.

Nick gave me a card with a nice little message in it and chocolate in the shape of a cow :D Isn't funny how the simplest of gifts can make a person the happiest???

I would love to write about NYC, but I need to get some sleep, and hopefully sleep off this blah mood. I'll save it for another time. Night!