This friendship is sunk, as Bridgette would put it

Ugh, how I hate drama. I seem to have a lot of it in my life right now, as I'm sure many of you do. I'm sitting at my desk, literally ready to just start crying, and I have no idea why. There's this friend, A.W. Because of my becoming a Christian and because I have been super busy lately, we have grown apart a lot this semester. So we decided to have a dinner date tonight. She ended up cancelling it because she said she had a "big thing tomorrow." And she asked if we could do latenight instead, and I was like Yeah, sure. So at latenight, she had foru or five other people sitting with her. So she said, "I feel so bad, maybe we can do dinner another night, just me and you." Well, I found out from my roomie that she had invited someone else to go to dinner with us, without asking me. And the only reason she had suggested dinner another night was because my roomie gave her hell, pardon my language, for cancelling dinner and such. It annoys me so much that she thinks I'm stupid and gonna fall for whatever excuses she has. I'm probably gonna regret this later but I just really need to get it out of my system. So now I don't know what to do. Should I make another dinner date with her? Should I just sever our friendship? I have no clue, but I am going to trust that He knows what He's doing. Someone suggested I just dive into Jesus. Honestly, I opened my Bible this morning with every intention of having some alone time with God, but for some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to read any of it and I got so frustrated. I felt so discouraged and awful. Ok, enough ranting for one night, here's to hoping tomorrow is better. Love all of you :)

Dee

Boredom

Lately, I seem to have a sort of fascination with masks. I want to share with you two poems I have written.

Mask
All around are people in masks
Too afraid to let their true selves show
Too afraid to let go of who they are
And embrace the person they want to be
They use lies and deceit to weave a web
Of falsehood, a web used to draw in others
Just like them, afraid to sever those ties
And finally be free of the person they have grown to despise

Hidden
Like a mask
My smile hides
the despair that
grips my heart
Like a well planted decoy
it draws away from
the lack of joy in my eyes
Proclaiming falsely
I am happy
A wonderful mask it is
My heart is well-hidden
From those capable
of destroying it in an instant
I must protect it
the only way I know how
By shielding it with a mask

Let me know what you think :)

Dee

Just need to get this off my chest

So, there's one thing that's been bugging me for awhile now. It seems that lately in discussion groups, no matter what group it is, people feel the need to pressure me to talk. I know you just want to hear what I have to say, blah blah blah, but honestly, if I want to say something I will. I'm the type of person who would rather observe than actually participate. So it annoys me when people volunteer me to say something or pray or whatever it is. I'm not entirely comfortable praying out loud just yet and I just want you to knwo that. And as some of you know, when I am volunteered to answer a question, most of the time, I feel like my answer is wrong and I know sometimes it is. When people try to get me to talk, it does the opposite of what they think it will do. It strengthens my resolve not to say anything, it doesn't make me any more comfortable. I just hate the spotlight being put on me, so to speak. I think that's all I wanted to say. Please keep this in mind the next time we are all in a discussion group and oyu want me to answer a question or give my input. <3 y'all. :)

Random Thoughts Pt 3

hahahaha, so I think this will be the last post for today. So I first want to say I love all you guys, you have all touched my life in your own unique ways. I have been so extremely blessed to have so many people who care about me in ways I have never felt before, except form my family. All throughout middle and high school, I never really had many friends I could really count on. You guys are all awesome and amazing and terrific and I can't imagine my life without any one of you! I finally feel like I have something to look forward to in life, I finally have a reason to get up in the morning, mainly for God, to do His will and let Him use me for his purposes and also because I know with such great friends, I can pretty much handle anything. I have been reading Purpose Driven Life for 13 days now and in it, it talked about how everything in our life should be done to please God. There is a particular sin I have struggled with for quite a few years now and I would pray and pray to God to help me fight the temptation. After reading that part in the book, I realized it probably didn't please God very much so I finally strengthened my resolve to really fight it and end it once and for all. I agree with Shonda on one point, even though I have been extremely open in these blog posts, I know I would never put absolutely everything, I still keep some things between me and God. Anyway, before Spring Break, I had a day where I just felt frustrated and annoyed at almost everyone and everything. Most of it stemmed from an issue previously mentioned in a blog titled "Love or Infatuation?" I just felt annoyed at people for judging other people they don't even know, annoyed at people for being so opinionated even if they knew it would be offensive, annoyed at someone for just forgetting about me as a friend when I did absolutely nothing wrong, annoyed at the same person for judging the friends I hang out with, frustrated at teachers and hmwk, frustrated at myself for allowing these thoughts to take control, annoyed at people for their fake selves, annoyed at someone for making a judgement against someone that personally affected me, I just felt so angry at people in general. I couldn't tell you why though, just this overwhelming sense of despair and annoyance and hopelessness. Thankfully, that passed by the end of the day. I think that's about it for now. You're probably saying "Finally!" hahaha. love y'all mucho!!!

Love or Infatuation?

So, as a few of you already know, there is a certain boy who "has had me from hello." hahaha, its funny cuz I'm listening to "You Had Me From Hello" by Kenny Chesney :) Seriously, I met him last year and realized hwo much I felt the need to be with him all the time, some would call it infatuation and I would agree. But eventually those feelings died down a bit although I still care about this person muchly and pretty much think about him everyday and wake up with the hope of seeing him at least once that day. If I don't see him though, it's not like I get extremely upset. I made the stupid mistake of asking him out Fall 07 semester but he had his reasons for saying no. Good ones too. Then I decided to try again during the summer, again he had a pretty good reason at the time. So now, I have resolved to wait for him to come to me. It's just so frustrating because he knows I like him and I know he likes me back. I had a conversation with a close friend while iceskating and she told me just to be careful because it sounded more like infatuation than being in love. Then I had another convo with another close friend over Winter break and he told me pretty much the same thing. I did a lot of thinking and praying and I now know I was in love with the idea of being in love, I wasn't actually in love. But I would also say that I'm no longer infatuated. I just feel like once we're together, everything will fall into place. I have lost hope sometimes and thought maybe it wasn't meant to be and that would make me sad because I've waited so long and I honestly don't know how much longer I can wait. I pray about it every night and every morning I wake up with the hope that just maybe he'll take that leap of faith. Before Spring Break, I would act all happy around him and then when I was alone, I would want to scream and cry out in frustration. It just hurts so much, wanting something so badly. It's also frustrating, because you just wish you could know what they're thinking and why it's taking him so long. Recently, I've been told he just needs a push in the right direction and encouragement. It's funny, I was saying bye to him and Bridgette yesterday and she made him hug me, which made it even funnier because he gives very awkward hugs. Thanks Bridgette! You made my day :-D I guess for now, I'll just keep waiting and pretend this doesn't hurt me at all. I just realized I almost forgot to include the poem I wrote. Let me know what ya think, k?

For One Brief Moment

I feel my heart smile
A smile that spreads rapidly to my lips
I feel my mouth curve upward, shyly
Everything grows still
Except the frantic beating of my heart
For one brief moment
When our eyes connect
It is only me and you
As if nothing else exists in the world
For one brief moment

Random Thoughts Pt 2

Ok, so summer ended, not as eventfully as it began, let me tell you! But that incident did help me realize how much my parents love me. They stuck with me the whole time I was in the hospital, even when my dad almost fainted from the blood, he stayed by my side. One morning, when my dad was in the living room and I was sleeping on a cot, he came over and held my hand. My dad never shows his soft side so for him to do that really meant a lot to me, he had no idea I was awake though, haha. Anywhoodles, I entered last semester, without my sister(academically disqualified) not knowing, again, what to expect. I had met most of you through other people but I had never really gotten to know you. Until this year. I was invited to BASIC and I went, without any reason as to why, I just felt like I needed to. I started hanging out in Scales and then at Church. I went ot the BASIC Conference, which was superly amazing and wonderful! I got Baptized in the Holy Spirit with my fave Aussie! I was so nervous I asked her to do it with me and she happily agreed. It was so nice ot have an accountability partner to encourage me, I would have never been able to go up there alone. It's funny how you meet some people in your life. I remember seeing Simone in my Child Psych class, she sat right behind me and being the judgemental person I'm working on not being, I thought "Who is that girl with the weird hair?" And then I was introduced to her at BASIC and it took me like three times to finally understand her enough to figure out her name, lol. We came very close very quickly and I couldn't believe how much God had blessed me with such amazing people in my life. I also soon realized God knew I wouldn't have done all this if my sister had been at college with me, I just wouldn't have. My parents who used to be so controlling, telling me what to buy, what not to buy, what to do with my hair, clothes eventually realized I was nto going to let them do that anymore. Thanks to Ashley W, the first time I went against them was when I went out and bought my laptop. It's taken them a long time to figure out I'm going to make mistakes in life and they just have to let me make them and learn from them. Don't get me wrong, I lvoe my parents more than they know, but they I guess I just needed to draw the line and loosen their hold on me. I have grown so much since the beginning of last semester and God has shown me so much, through the Bible, my friends, my family, Church and I can't wait to see what else he has in store for me. thats partly why I named my blog No End in Sight, because I pray I will always be continuously growing closer to Him and always seeking Him. I look forward to continuing the long journey I am on, with Him traveling by my side. I wonder how many blogs I have to post to be up to speed with everyone else? hahaha. subject of next blog post, love or infatuation? with bonus material inside! (poem written by me) stay tuned!

Random Thoughts

Ok, so this is my first blog post since forever. And I was bored so I thought why not? Good way to procrastinate also, haha. This year has flown by and for me things are so different from last year, I feel like last year never even happened. When I look back, I realize how different I have become and how who I was then wouldn't recognize who I am today. This will probably be a really long one but I've got nothin but time right now. So, in eighth grade, I went through a lot with soem friends and now because of it I find it really hard to trust someone right away. That's why it's taken me so long to get clsoer to some of you amazing people :) Anyway, I'm glad I have because for once in my life I feel like I belong and I know I am loved, something I used to have a hard time feeling. And then I think it was my senior year of high school, I was extremely nervous about starting college, an irrational fear I know, but I was petrified. And my parents thought I was depressed so they sent me to see a "doctor" who I never cooperated with because I disagreed and didn't want to be there. Eventually, he realized I was not willing to cooperate so he decided to send me to a "doctor" in Oswego, who gave me an anti-depressant, which I eventually stopped taking since it was doing absolutely nothing for me. At first, when I first started seeing the doctor at home, my parents told me it so I could find myself and help me decide what to do in life. Then another time, they told me it was because I needed help, mentally. That really hurt and I decided if they were going to force me to go, I wasn't going to cooperate.
So I came to Oswego, not knowing what to expect, but I was rooming with my sister so it wasn't too bad. I remember, it was during dinner, we decided to just sit with random people (Bridgette and Chen Shen). We went swimming in the lake except Chen Shen since she didn't know how to swim. One day, during lunch, Bridgette saw someone she knew, Nick, so we sat with him and honestly the first thought that ran thoruhg my head was "Oooh, he's cute!" Then I thought, "He's probably stuck up or something so what's the use?" Boy was I wrong! He invited me to go to CCM with him and I did, mainly because I saw it as a chance to just be around him. At that point, I could have cared less about God or the Bible or anything like that. I used to be one of those skeptics who would scoff at the mention of any of it. So freshman year passed with hardly any incident. Then in May, the Thursday of finals week, I was in Nick's room haingin out and he helped me pray a prayer of Salvation. at the time, I had no idea what it meant or how important adn meaningful it was. Afterward, I did feel this huge burden I didn't know I had, be lifted off my shoulders. I left Oz and worked at an FFA summer camp. The second day, however, I accidentally threw myself out a window and had to get stitches in my forehead, the doctor said I was extremely lucky I didn't die and there must've been an angel on my shoulders(if you wanna know the whole story, ask :) ) Anyway, thus ended my freshman year. Up next, Fall 08 semester.