I think Ali is dying. It's kind of sad, we bonded so well. He barely moves and barely eats. Poor little beta. If he does die, I know I won't be able to flush him, I'll have to have my roomie or someone do it for me. Anywho, on a lighter note, I have my glasses! So far, everyone seems to like them. I think I like them, they just take some getting used to. We had a firedrill this morning, I jumped out of bed. I hate firedrills. I still had an hour to sleep but I couldn't. Argh. So I came over to the computer lab, the first person to frequent it in 2010! I feel special :D I know there was more I wanted to say, I just can't think of what. Hmmmm. I was thinking the other day, I have a lot to work on. So much. I know I'm not perfect, and I don't pretend to be. I'm trying really hard to change some things about myself this semester. There is so much, like my facebook statuses, I need to be really careful of those. EK mentioned how statuses that cause drama are annoying. She's kinda right. I need to start being very careful of what I say, and think about what I say before I say it. Learned that one the hard way. Anyway, yeah. Change. It's needed.
I can't believe it was a week from today I was getting ready to go to Syracuse, time has flown, let me tell you! I am really excited for this weekend, mainly because I don't have to work. Yay! I dropped a class, so now I'm only taking four. I've reached the point where I don't really care how many years it takes me to graduate. I really don't. I have no idea when I am anymore. Oh well. Why do I always feel like my blogs are boring and unexciting? Is it because they are? Idk. I keep wanting to complain about my books and how much they cost, but I'm not going to because I know there are people so much worse off, like Haiti. Did you know lawmakers are now taxing soda? How ridiculous is that?? I mean, OJ and apple juice and all those other sugary, noncarbonated drinks have just as much sugar, why not start taxing those as well? Not right.
Well, this post is pointless and random. And I have a class to get to. Toodles!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Just don't let me down
I dislike Shakespeare. I'm taking a class about him. Yuck. It's been awhile since I've blogged. I've been really busy. So Thursday, I went to Ryan's house. We went to Taco Bell, where a guy ahead of us won a game and gave us the free taco he had won. We also went to Carousel Mall and invited Shannon B. It was interesting because we were in Barnes and Noble and saw Patrick Martin, and then we went and saw Ashley Lowe. He bought us frosties from Wendy's :) Then we went back to Ryan's house after dropping off Shannon at her house. We watched a movie and then called Kdee and ended up leaving at 1:30 am and going to her house. We ate pizza and watched a horror movie that really wasn't very scary at all. I hate horror movies and this one didn't phase me, it was kinda boring, actually, haha. Then we went to bed, at 6:30ish am. I woke up at 8:45 and was wide awake...so weird. And I slept so soundly and dreamlessly. After showering and such, we left around 2:30 and got back to Syracuse around 4/4:30. What'd we do next? Oh, Ryan worked on choreographing and then we ate dinner. Afterward, me, Ryan, his sister (Megan), Megan's bff (Lexis) and Nick went to Abundant Life. It was my first time going to church in a month and I loved it! The sermon was ok, it was about sharing the love of Christ, so nothing new, but I enjoyed the pastor alot. After church, we went to Ryan's house and watched Star Trek. I fell asleep. What else is new? Heehee. When the movie ended, we talked for a little while and then Nick left. I had just gotten into bed, and he called me. Turned out, he wanted to take me on a date, so on Sat, we went iceskating. More about that in a minute.
When I got off the phone, me and Ryan ended up having a long talk about relationships and stuff. He asked me if I was ready for dating and I think I am. I just don't want to get so focused on a relationship that I lose focus on God, ya know? I'm getting better with my relationship with God and I don't want anything to get in the way. I dunno. We'll see. Anyway, we went ice skating and had hot cocoa. It was fun, I enjoyed myself. Thank you Ryan for playing the role of dad, my own dad would be proud :-P But seriously, I appreciate your concern :)
I got back and did stuff, like packing a few things and such. During dinner, I was dared to eat a spoonful of potato flakes. I hate turning down dares, so I accepted. They stuck to the roof of my mouth, haha. Eventually, we left and went to Andy's house for the night. Qing was hilarious, as always. I love that guy. We had Wonton!! I missed it. Sunday morning, we picked up Heather and made our way to New Cov, coming in fashionably late, as usual :D Church was pretty good, it was about suffering and other stuff. Anthony and Annette kindly invited us to their house for brunch. So much food! They kept feeding us and feeding us! I felt like we were Hansel and Gretel. Hahaha. When we were finally able to leave, we were all tired. Once we got back on campus, I dropped my stuff off in my room and practically ran over to Scales where I hug tackled Lisa M and Bridge. I feel like this blog is long and boring. Hmmmm. Then we all hung out, went to dinner. After dinner, I came to my room and unpacked everything. I was really tired, probably from only getting about 6 hrs of sleep the night before. Oops. Oh well. Then I went back over to Scales, where we all hung out and visited some more. I finally left at almost midnight and went to bed.
Today was the first day of classes and I already have hmwk in almost every class. Ugh. But it's all reading...still ugh though. Nothing very exciting happened today so I think I will end there. Sorry if this wasnt very entertaining, haha. I'll do better next time, promise :)
When I got off the phone, me and Ryan ended up having a long talk about relationships and stuff. He asked me if I was ready for dating and I think I am. I just don't want to get so focused on a relationship that I lose focus on God, ya know? I'm getting better with my relationship with God and I don't want anything to get in the way. I dunno. We'll see. Anyway, we went ice skating and had hot cocoa. It was fun, I enjoyed myself. Thank you Ryan for playing the role of dad, my own dad would be proud :-P But seriously, I appreciate your concern :)
I got back and did stuff, like packing a few things and such. During dinner, I was dared to eat a spoonful of potato flakes. I hate turning down dares, so I accepted. They stuck to the roof of my mouth, haha. Eventually, we left and went to Andy's house for the night. Qing was hilarious, as always. I love that guy. We had Wonton!! I missed it. Sunday morning, we picked up Heather and made our way to New Cov, coming in fashionably late, as usual :D Church was pretty good, it was about suffering and other stuff. Anthony and Annette kindly invited us to their house for brunch. So much food! They kept feeding us and feeding us! I felt like we were Hansel and Gretel. Hahaha. When we were finally able to leave, we were all tired. Once we got back on campus, I dropped my stuff off in my room and practically ran over to Scales where I hug tackled Lisa M and Bridge. I feel like this blog is long and boring. Hmmmm. Then we all hung out, went to dinner. After dinner, I came to my room and unpacked everything. I was really tired, probably from only getting about 6 hrs of sleep the night before. Oops. Oh well. Then I went back over to Scales, where we all hung out and visited some more. I finally left at almost midnight and went to bed.
Today was the first day of classes and I already have hmwk in almost every class. Ugh. But it's all reading...still ugh though. Nothing very exciting happened today so I think I will end there. Sorry if this wasnt very entertaining, haha. I'll do better next time, promise :)
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Casting my Cares
I was so tempted to not read my Bible last night, I really didn't feel like it, but I forced myself to and I am so glad I did! I was reading Luke 10 and one part stuck out to me.
"39 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
41"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
I've been worrying about so many things, some things that shoudn't even matter at the moment. And this kind of opened my eyes, I'm like Martha. I need to be like Mary. I need to just find peace and rest in the presence of God, the One who can never be taken away. My worries can be taken away, by the Lord, but no one can take away my God. Then another verse hit me. It said something like, "Who by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" So true! I'm not helping anything by focusing on the little things. So when I finished reading my Bible, I closed my eyes and envisioned myself standing in front of Jesus. I envisioned handing everything over to Him. My books, bank card, OC tickets, my family, friends, everything! And then I took a deep breath, and I felt at peace about everything. I know it sounds kinda stupid or corny or whatever, but it worked for me :)
I had a really vivid and weird dream last night. The funny thing is most of it could come true if I let it, but I can't. I won't. What is it with people and dreams lately? Hmmmm. I lied, it's 5 days as of today, not yesterday :D 5 days!!!!!!
"39 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
41"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
I've been worrying about so many things, some things that shoudn't even matter at the moment. And this kind of opened my eyes, I'm like Martha. I need to be like Mary. I need to just find peace and rest in the presence of God, the One who can never be taken away. My worries can be taken away, by the Lord, but no one can take away my God. Then another verse hit me. It said something like, "Who by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" So true! I'm not helping anything by focusing on the little things. So when I finished reading my Bible, I closed my eyes and envisioned myself standing in front of Jesus. I envisioned handing everything over to Him. My books, bank card, OC tickets, my family, friends, everything! And then I took a deep breath, and I felt at peace about everything. I know it sounds kinda stupid or corny or whatever, but it worked for me :)
I had a really vivid and weird dream last night. The funny thing is most of it could come true if I let it, but I can't. I won't. What is it with people and dreams lately? Hmmmm. I lied, it's 5 days as of today, not yesterday :D 5 days!!!!!!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Party in the USA
I think this post is going to simply be a fine collection of random stories of my life over the past few days or so. First of all, 5 days left!!!!! Although, I have the same professor for two of my classes, and yesterday he sent emails with our syllabi for both classes attached. It made me kinda sad, I'm not ready for the classes part yet. And I already know I need like 7 or 8 books for both classes combined. I'm really worried I'm not gonna have enough money to buy all the books I need. Yikes! I've never encountered this problem before.
AHH! Why must I dwell on the future? I worry myself about summer, and graduating from college and Owl City and girls' night. I think it's my parents' fault, always telling me to think ahead, be prepared, yada yada ya. I think their tendency to overworry has rubbed off on me. I think I take after my dad in a lot of ways, some I'm proud of and some I'm not. So, I am applying to be cook's assistant this summer at camp instead of dishwasher. Something I'm super excited about and something I'm not excited about. I'm excited because I'll make more money and get done earlier in the evenings. Not excited because I have to get up earlier and get less breaks during the day. And I'm afraid I'll make some huge, unfixable mistake. It's stupid, I know, just something I fear.
All of a sudden, I feel like I could just go somewhere and cry. Weirddddd. Anyway, family, family, family. My dad has recently discovered relatives he's never met or only met once or twice when he was little. Long story short, my dad has been told by one of his cousins that one of his siblings or even him, might be a brother or sister and not a cousin at all. Talk about a bombshell. So my dad has been spending his time convincing himself he looks like his siblings, because he doesn't want it to be him. Who would? And then, my aunt (the one who likes to send Facebook msgs to Nick Coughlins) has been having problems with her second husband, all throughout their five or six yr marriage. Lately, it's gotten so bad, she's been talking about possibly getting a divorce. I kinda hope she does, cuz he's kind of a jerkface, I guess they've gotten in physical arguments, but she claims they've only been shoving matches. In my opinion, there shouldn't be any shoving or anything else like that. Not right. So yeah. Gotta love family.
Prince Ali Amorous He Ali Ababwe! My cousin (daughterto previously mentioned aunt), is the one I got Ali from. She found out the other night when she came home that I had named it. Apparently it already had a name, I had no idea. I guess she named it Bluey, so to keep her happy, I have to call him Bluey until I go back to Oz, then it can be named Ali. Lame-o.
So, someone once said it seemed like I knew everything (regarding goings-on between friends and such). I think this is mainly because, if it appears someone is having a hard time with something, I ask what's wrong out of genuine concern for that person. Most people trust me enough to tell me. And they can trust me. Friendship is a two way street. I just think it's something we need to work on as a BASIC group. Andy has said the same thing. When someone is going through something, most of us tend to ignore it and stay focused on our own problems. He used Katie Spawton as a great example. I think once someone is saved, it's our responsibility to kind of look after that person and help guide them, at least in the beginning. I dunno.
On a kinda happier note, I am so excited about this semester!! Especially our girls' night, and then Owl City, and the BASIC Conference, and Church!!!!! And dance parties. And Wonton. And movies. And the breakwall. There's a few things I'm not excited about, but I'm not gonna go there. No reason to. I dont think I've ever needed a place before. I NEED Oswego. I need the excitement and spontaneity. And freedom, definitely the freedom. This is turning out to be one long blog post. I think that pretty much covers everything. 5 days!!!!!!! The End.
AHH! Why must I dwell on the future? I worry myself about summer, and graduating from college and Owl City and girls' night. I think it's my parents' fault, always telling me to think ahead, be prepared, yada yada ya. I think their tendency to overworry has rubbed off on me. I think I take after my dad in a lot of ways, some I'm proud of and some I'm not. So, I am applying to be cook's assistant this summer at camp instead of dishwasher. Something I'm super excited about and something I'm not excited about. I'm excited because I'll make more money and get done earlier in the evenings. Not excited because I have to get up earlier and get less breaks during the day. And I'm afraid I'll make some huge, unfixable mistake. It's stupid, I know, just something I fear.
All of a sudden, I feel like I could just go somewhere and cry. Weirddddd. Anyway, family, family, family. My dad has recently discovered relatives he's never met or only met once or twice when he was little. Long story short, my dad has been told by one of his cousins that one of his siblings or even him, might be a brother or sister and not a cousin at all. Talk about a bombshell. So my dad has been spending his time convincing himself he looks like his siblings, because he doesn't want it to be him. Who would? And then, my aunt (the one who likes to send Facebook msgs to Nick Coughlins) has been having problems with her second husband, all throughout their five or six yr marriage. Lately, it's gotten so bad, she's been talking about possibly getting a divorce. I kinda hope she does, cuz he's kind of a jerkface, I guess they've gotten in physical arguments, but she claims they've only been shoving matches. In my opinion, there shouldn't be any shoving or anything else like that. Not right. So yeah. Gotta love family.
Prince Ali Amorous He Ali Ababwe! My cousin (daughterto previously mentioned aunt), is the one I got Ali from. She found out the other night when she came home that I had named it. Apparently it already had a name, I had no idea. I guess she named it Bluey, so to keep her happy, I have to call him Bluey until I go back to Oz, then it can be named Ali. Lame-o.
So, someone once said it seemed like I knew everything (regarding goings-on between friends and such). I think this is mainly because, if it appears someone is having a hard time with something, I ask what's wrong out of genuine concern for that person. Most people trust me enough to tell me. And they can trust me. Friendship is a two way street. I just think it's something we need to work on as a BASIC group. Andy has said the same thing. When someone is going through something, most of us tend to ignore it and stay focused on our own problems. He used Katie Spawton as a great example. I think once someone is saved, it's our responsibility to kind of look after that person and help guide them, at least in the beginning. I dunno.
On a kinda happier note, I am so excited about this semester!! Especially our girls' night, and then Owl City, and the BASIC Conference, and Church!!!!! And dance parties. And Wonton. And movies. And the breakwall. There's a few things I'm not excited about, but I'm not gonna go there. No reason to. I dont think I've ever needed a place before. I NEED Oswego. I need the excitement and spontaneity. And freedom, definitely the freedom. This is turning out to be one long blog post. I think that pretty much covers everything. 5 days!!!!!!! The End.
Monday, January 11, 2010
13 Days!
Sometimes I feel like I can relate to Bella Swan. I don't like her. Haha. I am aiming for the shortest post I have ever written. I think this is it :D Maybe not, because I just thought of something that I was going to mention the next time I wrote a post. So I have this new and wonderful book called "Divine Romance." And it is perfect for me and my struggles! Seriously. Thanks Nick (and Ryan for helping him pick it out, heehee). Anyway, there's one part in there where the author (whose name is ironically Dee!) talks about our caves and WWII. Ok, I back up for a sec. So she talks about how in WWII, the Americans had to rid France of German soldiers hiding away in caves, so they would check each cave one by one by shining their lights into the cave and exposing anyone who might be hiding in them. That's how they gained full control of France. And the author used this as an analogy for God, and how He shines His light into our caves, one cave at a time, in order to reveal any darkness within us that needs to be exposed and gotten rid of. And through this, He is able to take full control of our lives and transform us into the people He has called us to be :) I just thought it was cool and wanted to share with all of my amazing readers. So thank you for tuning in, until next time, I'm Dee, reminding you to wash behind your ears!
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Birthday Cake and Ice cream
Phew, what a day! Where to begin? Last night I could not go to sleep for the life of me! I was SO excited about today, it felt like Christmas Eve all over again. I didn't fall asleep until 2ish AM. Then my brother's alarm went off at 7 because he had a basketball game he had to leave for at 8:00. I woke up when I heard it and again, couldn't go to sleep. So I got a total of about 5 hours of sleep. I am exhausted. BUT, I had so much fun today! Ryan, Nick and Shonda were awesome and came to visit me for the day. We didn't really do much to begin with. We helped my mom with groceries and then we all had lunch. After lunch, we hung out a little more and then played Scrabble. Needless to say, I won. Not really, Ryan did, I was last but he gave me an extra 300 points cuz it was my b-day :-D
Then we ventured out into the cold like eskimos from the country do and we went sledding. It was alot of fun, but we came in when we got cold and drank hot cocoa and ate Little Debby snacks. Then what'd we do? I can't remember. I think we just hung out some more and started playing Pictionary. Dinner came next, we dined on a fine feast of hotdogs, goulash and homemade macaroni and cheese (made Italian style meaning there were crushed tomatoes in it, yuck!) We went back upstairs and I opened Ryan's, Nick's and Shonda's cards and presents. I loved them all! Ryan gave me a homemade card, Shonda gave me a supplementary card until we get back to campus, and some moola, and Nick gave me a Christian book which I want to start reading, and this really cool journal. Thanks guys! And then from my family, I got money, I think I want to buy a new digital camera or something. Maybe I'll save it for the OC trip, that'd be a smart idea. We'll see :) After dinner, we went back hanging out and then ate cake and icecream, and opened my cards.
What came next was probably my favorite part of the whole day. We went to put their stuff in Ryan's car, and then the three of them prayed for me and also for my family's salvation and revelation in their lives. It was awesome. Then it was time for goodbye's :( As I was walking back to my house, I had the strong urge to take a walk, but I couldn't cuz I still had family here to visit with and it was dark. Didn't want to get mauled by a rabid deer, or something, haha. I think tha about sums it up. I'm so thankful to God for everything He's blessed me with. I am loved. Simple as that. I am loved and I love. Him, my family, and my friends. I am so unbelievably blessed!
Just a few random thoughts. Ryan ran into a snowbank, I think Shonda calling me and telling me that was my second favorite part of the day :D Also, I know this is so so so random but having them at my house and interacting with my family felt so natural, idk. I'm weird. And tired. AND, my aunt, ugh! She is so embarrassing and awkward! She asked Nick where he was going to take me on our first date and said he probably likes dancing so he should take me dancing and she told me that when he left, to make sure I gave him a hug and a kiss. That last part was just between me and her though, thankfully! I didnt' say a word though cuz I wasn't gonna let it get to me too much on my b-day.
Now I think I'm done. I hated to see them leave and I hate to see this day end, but you have no idea how super excited I am about this coming semester. So excited! So many things to look forward to! Two weeks :)
Two more things, haha. One, I think I really want to do a summer missions trip and not do CT next year, it's so much more logical and not so financially draining. Two, I signed up to do this Bible reading plan on the BASIC website, I'm really hoping it'll help me stay on track this next year, I need to. Don't want another repeat of this past semester. Nope nope :) NOW I'm done, heeheehee.
<3 Dee
Then we ventured out into the cold like eskimos from the country do and we went sledding. It was alot of fun, but we came in when we got cold and drank hot cocoa and ate Little Debby snacks. Then what'd we do? I can't remember. I think we just hung out some more and started playing Pictionary. Dinner came next, we dined on a fine feast of hotdogs, goulash and homemade macaroni and cheese (made Italian style meaning there were crushed tomatoes in it, yuck!) We went back upstairs and I opened Ryan's, Nick's and Shonda's cards and presents. I loved them all! Ryan gave me a homemade card, Shonda gave me a supplementary card until we get back to campus, and some moola, and Nick gave me a Christian book which I want to start reading, and this really cool journal. Thanks guys! And then from my family, I got money, I think I want to buy a new digital camera or something. Maybe I'll save it for the OC trip, that'd be a smart idea. We'll see :) After dinner, we went back hanging out and then ate cake and icecream, and opened my cards.
What came next was probably my favorite part of the whole day. We went to put their stuff in Ryan's car, and then the three of them prayed for me and also for my family's salvation and revelation in their lives. It was awesome. Then it was time for goodbye's :( As I was walking back to my house, I had the strong urge to take a walk, but I couldn't cuz I still had family here to visit with and it was dark. Didn't want to get mauled by a rabid deer, or something, haha. I think tha about sums it up. I'm so thankful to God for everything He's blessed me with. I am loved. Simple as that. I am loved and I love. Him, my family, and my friends. I am so unbelievably blessed!
Just a few random thoughts. Ryan ran into a snowbank, I think Shonda calling me and telling me that was my second favorite part of the day :D Also, I know this is so so so random but having them at my house and interacting with my family felt so natural, idk. I'm weird. And tired. AND, my aunt, ugh! She is so embarrassing and awkward! She asked Nick where he was going to take me on our first date and said he probably likes dancing so he should take me dancing and she told me that when he left, to make sure I gave him a hug and a kiss. That last part was just between me and her though, thankfully! I didnt' say a word though cuz I wasn't gonna let it get to me too much on my b-day.
Now I think I'm done. I hated to see them leave and I hate to see this day end, but you have no idea how super excited I am about this coming semester. So excited! So many things to look forward to! Two weeks :)
Two more things, haha. One, I think I really want to do a summer missions trip and not do CT next year, it's so much more logical and not so financially draining. Two, I signed up to do this Bible reading plan on the BASIC website, I'm really hoping it'll help me stay on track this next year, I need to. Don't want another repeat of this past semester. Nope nope :) NOW I'm done, heeheehee.
<3 Dee
Monday, January 4, 2010
Palm to Forehead Slap
How stinkin stupid am I? So ridiculously stupid! Seriously. I have spoken such nonsense! I can't let go. I have to be strong. I have to! I just want to burst out laughing from ym own stupidity. I know I have a long journey ahead of me, but I can do it! No more Negative Nancy! Or Debbie Downer! Or Melancholy Molly! Wow. Ok, so this thing came in the mail called a prayer rug. It's this paper with a pic of Jesus on it. The idea is you kneel on it and pray for financial blessing and then you put it back in the mail and send it back to the church it came from with money, and you would receive the blessing you prayed for. Huge scam. But there was this letter thingy that totally encouraged me! I think it's funny how God used someone else's evil ways to make a path for His will to be done. I threw the rug away but I kept the letter, as a reminder. I'm going to give you some of my favorite pieces of this letter.
"Loneliness is not the absence of affection; it is the absence of direction." So very true!
That's part of what the church people said. Then they had this prophetic word supposedly from God for me to receive. Not sure how prophetic it is, but I really liked it and most of it is true.
"Do not allow these things that are happening in you life come between us. Rather, understand that it is the things happening that should draw us closer together."
More letter: "You may have the uncomfortable feeling that you are just spinning your wheels in a certain personal situation...but you have not allowed the Holy Spirit to have complete acquisition to the problem...you have allowed too much personal and emotional involvement...this has made you too vulnerable..far more than you can see...and it is only through the Holy Spirit's guidance that you will in any way come out victorious."
"There are many things going on in your life all at one time, you are at a place where it is critical that you decide whether you will go with the Creator or let your faith go otherwise. God has big plans for you and Satan will do all he can to destroy these plans."
It may be a huge scam, but those words encouraged and lifted me! God certainly works in mysterious ways :) I have to change, I HAVE to. It's going to be tough, and painful, but it's pretty much crucial for me. Btw, if I may have offended anyone with my previous post, I am so sorry. I was upset and wasn't even thinking about what I was writing. Sorry :(
Here's to a hopefully new and changed and positive me! :)
"Loneliness is not the absence of affection; it is the absence of direction." So very true!
That's part of what the church people said. Then they had this prophetic word supposedly from God for me to receive. Not sure how prophetic it is, but I really liked it and most of it is true.
"Do not allow these things that are happening in you life come between us. Rather, understand that it is the things happening that should draw us closer together."
More letter: "You may have the uncomfortable feeling that you are just spinning your wheels in a certain personal situation...but you have not allowed the Holy Spirit to have complete acquisition to the problem...you have allowed too much personal and emotional involvement...this has made you too vulnerable..far more than you can see...and it is only through the Holy Spirit's guidance that you will in any way come out victorious."
"There are many things going on in your life all at one time, you are at a place where it is critical that you decide whether you will go with the Creator or let your faith go otherwise. God has big plans for you and Satan will do all he can to destroy these plans."
It may be a huge scam, but those words encouraged and lifted me! God certainly works in mysterious ways :) I have to change, I HAVE to. It's going to be tough, and painful, but it's pretty much crucial for me. Btw, if I may have offended anyone with my previous post, I am so sorry. I was upset and wasn't even thinking about what I was writing. Sorry :(
Here's to a hopefully new and changed and positive me! :)
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Out of Sight, Out of Mind
Yeah, another post, but I really don't care. I need someone. Just anyone. I just need to know people care about me. No, actually, I'd rather not because I don't want to force anyone to pretend they care. This might be me being grrrr, but it's how I feel, how I've felt for a couple weeks. I just don't feel the love and concern we're all supposed to show each other, as brothers and sisters in Christ. There's so much more I want to say but I dunno. I'm so scared, I'm coming so close to giving up on God, so close. I love BASIC and Church but ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Do you wanna know why I haven't given up yet? Has nothing to do with God, it's because I don't want to have ot face the looks I'm bound to get from everyone. The awkwardness of it all. There was a line in a Tyler Perry play I was watching that I really liked. "Being saved is like a bad perm, sometimes it just doesn't work." That's me. I feel so hopelessly lost in the dark. I don't to hold on anymore, I don't want these feelings and emotions anymore. I want to be a robot, haha. Or a cat, life would be so much easier.
Side note. Tyler Perry is simply awesome. He's a Christian. He started out super super poor but he felt God telling him to hold onto his dream of being a big movie person so he did. He tried and tried again and again. It took a long time, but he never gave up. And now he directs movies, writes and directs plays, writes songs for his plays, acts in his movies and plays, has his own tv show, he's a comedian. All of his plays and most of his movies have a Christian/spiritual theme to them. Most of his movies are centered around Madea, whom he plays. Like Diary of a Mad Black Woman, Madea's Class Reunion, Madea's Family Reunion, Madea Goes to Jail, etc. I love him! You should check him out sometime :)
Anyway, so yeah. I've got nothing else to say, except maybe this chapter of my life is over. I'm tired of questioning God, of questioning my own beliefs. Maybe it's time God came looking for me, instead of me looking for Him because I'm tired of it, to put it bluntly. I'm tired of feeling like I'll never be good enough, for anyone. I'm selfish, simple as that. Too selfish to let go of everything and give it to God. I don't know if I ever will be willing to give it all up. So much more to say. But I'm done.
Side note. Tyler Perry is simply awesome. He's a Christian. He started out super super poor but he felt God telling him to hold onto his dream of being a big movie person so he did. He tried and tried again and again. It took a long time, but he never gave up. And now he directs movies, writes and directs plays, writes songs for his plays, acts in his movies and plays, has his own tv show, he's a comedian. All of his plays and most of his movies have a Christian/spiritual theme to them. Most of his movies are centered around Madea, whom he plays. Like Diary of a Mad Black Woman, Madea's Class Reunion, Madea's Family Reunion, Madea Goes to Jail, etc. I love him! You should check him out sometime :)
Anyway, so yeah. I've got nothing else to say, except maybe this chapter of my life is over. I'm tired of questioning God, of questioning my own beliefs. Maybe it's time God came looking for me, instead of me looking for Him because I'm tired of it, to put it bluntly. I'm tired of feeling like I'll never be good enough, for anyone. I'm selfish, simple as that. Too selfish to let go of everything and give it to God. I don't know if I ever will be willing to give it all up. So much more to say. But I'm done.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Yup, Another One
I don't know how much more I can take. Not much. I feel like if I keep it all in for much longer, I'm going to explode. But keep it in I will because it's what I do. I'm good at it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)