I hate school. I want to cry. I hate school. I found out today I don't have enough stupid credits to be considered a junior. I want to cry. I'm sooooooo stressed. People in the lab are annoying me. It's probably my bad mood. Forgive me. I'm worried about getting kicked out because of low grades. Especially Chem, ugh, I hate that class. Obviously, the tests are too hard if I study for a couple hrs and still fail the stupid test and the highest grade is an 85. I have a 4 pg paper due on Tue in one of my Eng classes, and just received an 8 pg paper in the same class. UGH!!! And then I have my dad nagging me about the conference and my bank account and my grades. Whenever he talks to me, its about money and grades, what about my life and my feelings? Don't those matter? I need this conference so bad, crazy bad. I just need to be away from school. Maybe I'll let myself fail out, haha. Wouldn't my parents love that? Well, I'm going to attempt to finish this stupid 4 pg paper. Bye.

Princess Themed Birthday Parties

This past weekend, as you all know, I threw Bridge a surprise birthday party, with the help of many people. Thanks to everyone who helped and showed up! I think it was successful, I was surprised to see some people I hadn't even invited, such as Rob and Julie. It was a nice surprise though. Somehow, the theme ended up being Disney princess evne though that was not the goal at all, haha. But we all know having a princess themed birthday party is every girl's dream. After we sang Happy Birthday, Bridge started crying because she had never had a real birthday party before! It made me happy that I made her happy :) We ended up watching The Little Mermaid, to Bridge's request. All in all, I think it was a great evening. Sunday, I got so annoyed with people. It started before Church and got progressively worse all day, I kind of felt bad for getting snappy at times, but I couldn't help it. Sometimes I wonder if people get annoyed with me. Hmmm. Anyway, this upcoming weekend is the BASIC Conference!! Which I am very excited about. I hate how soem of us, me included seem to live from BASIC Conference to BASIC conference. We should be on fire for our Daddy everyday, not just during the conference. We should wake up everyday looking forward to the time we get to spend with Him. But we don't. So much easier said than done. We always say "Shoulda, woulda, coulda." And in the end, those won't matter. What will matter is what you actually did. I feel like I'm being a hypocrite. I am procrastinating so bad right now. Well, maybe not, idk. I just know I have hmwk.

Sometimes, I think people date people in the hope they can change the person they're dating. In reality, they can't. The person has to be willing to change, you can't force them. The person I see is someone who is loud and obnoxious and always trying too hard to impress people. I'm sorry if that's not the person you want me to see. Something else I've noticed is how a Christian gets SO focused on the internationals, he completely forgets about his Chirstian friends. I mean, I knwo it's important to reach out to the internationals, but not to the point where you stop hanging out with and talking to your believeing friends. I think this was talked about in Church or BASIC one time. About how fellowship with your Brothers and Sisters is just as important as fellowship with non-believers. Just some observations.

I am going to end with saying my roomie has swine flu!!!! Idk why, but I find it exciting, as long as I don't get it, haha. She went home for the week. I'm going to be lonely. But I'd rather she went home to get better than stay here and run the risk of getting me sick, or anyone else for that matter. Th-th-th-that's all folks! ch-ch-ch-china!

The Ultimate Piggyback Ride

Last night, me, Bridge, Shannon and Lisa were picked up by Pastor Jake. We went to his house for dinner, which consisted of homemade chili (tasted like my mommy's), cornbread (also tasted like my mommy's), chciken pot pie, salad and pear crisp. It was a nice change from dining hall food. And it was like a taste of home for me. Then we made our way to prayer night at New Cov, which was pretty amazing!!! Lisa went and sat on the floor near the wooden cross and was praying. I was laying in a pew and eventually went and laid down in front of the cross. I was surprised to hear Lisa crying. There was a guy who came over and prayed for her. All of a sudden, something popped into my head and I had the urge to tell Lisa. I couldn't get them out of my head so I went over next to her and she reached for my hand. I told her that Jesus loves her and has the most amazing future planned out for her and all she had to do was let God int oher heart. I told her He will always be there, to lend an ear or hand. I thne otld her it's like playing follow the leader, He's the leader, she's the follower. Except when things get rough, then He carries you, and givs you the msot amazing piggyback ride ever, which made her laugh :) It's true though, can you imagine getting a piggyback ride from God? We all know how fun they are, so getting one from Him would be the epitome of amazingness. But yeah, I am SO excited to see what work God does in her. I really believe she'll be ready, if she isn't yet, to give her life over to God. Steph, she's great, I think she wants God, but there's something holding her back, I can't figure out what. I guess I'll just keep praying for her.

My mom is getting a hysterectomy on Friday and is going to be in rough shape for about a week or longer. So please pray that everything turns out ok and that she has a speedy recovery.
I'm listening to "Give Us Clean Hands" which means it's gonna be stuck in my head for the rest of the day, good thing I like it :)

Anyway, one more post will be my 50th!!! Maybe I'll write another post right after this one, just to reach it, but I'll just wait till I feel like posting again. Love you all!

Dee

Blogging instead of paper writing

I'm in the computer lab and I'm freezing. And hungry. I am so glad we had that meeting last night. I think it went really well and having Erin and Pat be there was a good idea. I realized how much I like to complain on here, mainly about other people. I hate it. When did I become like this? Most of the stuff I complain about are issues in my life that I need to deal with, it has nothing to do with other people. It's time I deal with them. So when me and Bridge had our walk, she told me how I need to focus on God and not guys. I knew she was right, I just never really tried to do anything about it, til now. Idk, it's weird. All of a sudden, it's like that part of my heart has become numb for the time being, until God wants me to be in a relationship, with whoever He wants me to be in one with. Like, I don't even see Nick as a potential bf anymore, it's a lil disconcerting how quickly I've been able to let this issue go, after holding on for 2 years! Crazy. I think I was holding on because he was the only guy to show interest in me in a long time and I didn't want to pass up the opportunity, I guess you could say. But ya know what? I have Jesus, and He is more than enough for me. When me and Bridge were talking, I thought of a bumper sticker, or was it flair? Idk, anyway, it said "Dance with Jesus, He will only allow the right guy to cut in." I love that quote so much!

I just need to get this off my chest. Hopefully it won't make things awkward between us. I did like you, for a lil while at least. But I'm over you now, no offense, but guys are becoming the least of my worries now. And I knew it wasn't gonna go anywhere anyway. But yeah. That's all :)

I love you all!

Ped Eggs

I hate them. The grinding sound they make, drives me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once, they put me in this room, a rubber room, with rats, rubber rats, rats? Rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once....I could go on and on. Tonight was a weird night, I've been having a lot of those. I guess it started when we were leaving Hart. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, everyone was gone. So I decided to wait downstairs and eventually everyone else joined me. Idk why, but I felt left behind, a feeling I absolutely hate. Then we went to the Campus Center in search of microbes, which was fun for a lil while but then I got bored and stopped in the Atrium. Bridge and Lisa went ahead without me, and never bothered coming back, again I felt left behind. I decided to make my way over toward the ice arena and then I find out that everyone decided to hide on me. I decided I didn't want to play because deep down, I know this is childish, but old insecurities arose and I felt like everyone was hiding from me, not on me. It was stupid, I know. I left and met Kdee on the way out. I was gonna go to my room but wanted to just walk instead, so walk I did. Then my phone died. I eventually made my way back to my room long enough to charge my phone, then I went over to Scales, bad idea, should've stayed in my room. I got kinda annoyed with people :( I hate that stupid game, the nervous one, so so wrong and not cool. Especially if it's Christians playing, not good. Awkward moments. I think people cause them because it's the only way they know to get the attention focused on them. I guess it works, but I feel like it's always the same 2 or 3 people who have all the attention on them. Idk. I'm just being a grumpy pessimist. Pay no attention to me. I was suposed to spend this weekend in an Amish existence refocusing my sights on God, but work got in the way, so definitely next weekend. I hope. Goodnight.

Bad Satan Bad!

You know how Satan uses our own weaknesses against us? He's been doing this alot lately in my life. Through my family. I know he's using them to try to ruin my relationship with them. I will NOT back down. The word vomit that spews from their mouths is that of Satan, not them. I only wish I knew how to handle it better. I'm used to this but it still hurts. Bad. I am constantly on the verge of tears. Sorry just doesn't seem to be good enough anymore, but what is I have no idea. I love my family so much, thats why it hurts when we get into these kinds of arguments. Why do we hurt the ones we love the most? I have yet to figure it out, maybe because we know they'll forgive us? It still doesn't make it right though. I don't do it on purpose, I don't even realize I've hurt them until they say something. Most of the time, I don't even know what I've done wrong. Do you ever think about how easy it would be to just give all of this up and forget the person God's made you to be? To just throw the towel in when things get rough. How foolish it would be though. And cowardly. I have to remain strong, I have to. I see the light inside me. it's tiny, a candle flame, I will keep going until it's burning brighter than a 10 million candles.

I'm tired of being the pursuer, I just want to be the pursuee, if thats even a word. Like I care, haha. Maybe it's someone else's turn to do the talking. Well, I have an essay on how Wheatley's poetry challenges/reinforces patriarchy and gender constructions abound in her works to go write. Adios.

More Than a Love Song

How is it that someone who has known someone else for a short time be in a relationship and yet, I've been waiting patiently for 2 years, 1 if you want to count from the time I was saved, and get nothing? How does that work? It makes no sense. I feel like it's unfair. I don't care if I sound childish. Whatever. Maybe I need to confront him or something. I'm so scared. Scared of what he could say. I'm sick of these conflicting emotions. Why is this happening? I don't know what to feel anymore. Why do I find myself wanting to spend more and more time with you? I need encouragement. We all do. We don't encourage each other enough. I'm not talking the normal "Youre pretty/beautiful stuff." That gets old. I'm talking like really lifting a person up, like commenting on a good quality they have or something. Maybe I should work on that. I should also work on my negativity. I find it coming out more and more this semester and i hate it. Especially towards certain people. Think positive! Thats what I need to do. It seems like everyones moving around. I think I will go against the grain, and remain right here in Waterbury Hall. Im wearing green nail polish, it reminds me of Shan, she gave it to me and it reminds me of her beautiful green eyes :-) If some stranger were to read my blogs, they'd think I was bi-polar and/or ADD :-D Oh well. I'm goin to end this post with some lyrics of a song I've discovered that really fits me right now. It's called "More Than a Love Song" by Fireflight, love them!

Look into her eyes
You can see she's crying out
She hidesbehind her smile
You can see the pain of doubt
And if you would hold her close
You could feel the brokenness inside
You would know she feels alone
She feels empty

She needs more than a hug on a holiday
She needs more than a smile on a Sunday
She's not looking for you to fix what's wrong
She really wants to know
Really wants to know she belongs
She needs more than a love song

Listen to her now
Broken is a beautiful sound
She's a little scared
She's afraid of falling further down
But maybe if you let her know
And gave her just a little hope
Somehow if she knew the truth
She'd come alive

She needs more than a hug on a holiday
She needs more than a smile on a Sunday
She's not looking for you to fix what's wrong
She really wants to know
Really wants to know she belongs
She needs more than a love song