I Plead the 5th

I've decided maybe myself, and everyone else would be much better off if I didn't talk. Lately I feel like sometimes when I say something, I'm never given the chance ot explain myself and people are qucik to judge and automatically think me creepy or weird. I'm kinda getting sick of it. It's like people are judging me based on what I say. But whatever. Maybe I'll just gho back to being the quiet one who rarely says anything. But whatever. Another thing I've noticed is how people are starting to think of me as the one who does what everyone else does, like a follower or whatever. I think its time ot change that, start doing things the way I want, when I want, not caring about whatever anyone else is doing. This blog is meant for me to just rant right? Well I guess that's what I'm doing. But whatever. This is just me being blahhhhhhhh.

Hide and Seek

This break has been good and bad. Good because I truly felt my heart break for two different friends, for very different reasons. It's amazing how much you can learn from someone just by saying, "Hey, what's goin on?" I might not be good with giving advice but I am good at just listening and offering encouragement...I think. On Thanksgiving, as many of you know, my mom went to the hospital where at first they said she had pancreatitis, then they changed it to a hiatal hernia. She came home and rested. Today, she went back because she couldn't stand the pain. Again, they suspected pancreatitis and said she may have to stay in the hospital for a minimum of 2 weeks. Once again, they changed their minds and said she has a hiatal hernia and an infection in her esophagus, which means can't eat anything, only liquids. We went to visit her tonight, after me and my older sister got in a fight, Aladdin was involved. I threw the tv remote, it broke, my bro fixed it. My lil sis ratted on all of us. I got mad at her. We left. I'm not proud at all, it's times like those when I don't like myself. Sowe get to the hospital, I'm an emotional wreck. I wanted to pray for my mom really badly before we left, but I was cowardly and didn't. Oh well I suppose. Then we left when visiting hours were over. I have no idea why but the whole ride home, I couldn't stop crying. Even when we got home, up til like ten min ago, I was crying. I decided to read my Bible. And then I prayed hardcore. Both seemed to help quite a bit. Gotta love God!

Where did our relationship go? Where did the fun loving, happy dad I once knew go? I miss you. I think I see you, hiding behind the sadness and despair that grips his heart. The landscape around you is gray and all the nature around you is fading away and wilting. The air feels heavy and starts weighing you down. With nowhere to turn, you let it bring you down. You find yourself grasping for something, anything to keep you from going down completely. If only you knew, there is hope. And He will always hold you up, no matter how black the clouds get, it can't rain forever. If only you knew, He loves you, I love you. Just come out of that hiding place, look around you, nature is full of life, your almost dead heart beats faster. Breathe it all in. It's all for you, He gave it all to you, just close your eyes and find rest in Him, He will bring you the joy and peace and hope you have been seeking. He's waiting for you with open arms, all you have ot do is let it all go. Just let it all go. He'll take care of you. I promise, He promises. I grieve for the dad I once knew. I just want him back. It's safe, you can come out now. No longer will you have to hide in your pain, but forever, you will be able to rejoice in His presence.

I don't know how much longer I can keep this in. Usually I'm good at keeping things locked up insie but this is one thing I really want to say to you but I will not. Zip it, lock it, put it in my pcoket. And in the meantime, I will continue to turn my heart into a much better home for Him, so there's no room for anyone else, at least not until He wants me to make room.

Something new has been taunting and tempting me. I never thought I'd be the type of person to resort to it, but I was wrong. I never understood how people could get enjoyment out of it, not even enjoyment but a sort of emotional relief, but I'm beginning to understand better. But like many other temptations, I'm going to rely on God to help me resist this one. He has the strength, I most certainly do not. I haven't given in yet. And I pray I never do.

Lastly, I'm getting kind of sick of being known as the creepy one. I think I might start toning it down. So yeah.

Let's boycott Thanksgiving Day!

I realized something. Actually, I've realized a lot of things. But let's do one at a time. Thanksgiving Day is a joke. We should be thankful to God everyday, not just one day out of the year, ya know? I don't like it. Oh well. I'm going to my aunt's house later, for dinner. I have the feeling it's going to be awkward and weird. Idk, we'll see. I feel like a stranger in my home, someone who no longer belongs. But I'm not going to care because I know I belong in God's house and I will be welcomed with loving arms. My dad has hardly said a word to me at all. My mom has asked a few questions abotu China, but not in an accusing way, just in a "I want to know more" way, which I didn't mind. She's at least trying to understand. Ok, enough on that topic.

I am so glad I've told you what I have. It's helped realize there's mroe to you than I thought. I guess I've only ever seen the crazy side of you, and when I say crazy, I mean it in a good way :) I feel like becoming closer to you will help me and my little jealousy issues. We needed to talk. I'm glad I could get a lot of things off my chest and that you were there to lend an ear. It was nice to talk to someone who really understands where I'm coming from. Thank you so much and I'm excited for our growing friendship.

I, too, need to stop letting my emotions get in the way of God. I need to pull myself away and draw closer to Him. I know I have to, in order for Him to really work in my life, but I also don't want to. I don't want to pull away, is that wrong of me? I guess I can't have the best of both worlds, haha, Hannah Montana theme song!

One las thing I need to confess. I am an Owl City Addict. And I have no intention of stopping this addcition! :-D

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! May God bless you abundantly and with His neverending love and mercy.

<3 Dee

Honestly

I love that song by VOTA, theme song of my life right now. I keep asking myself where did it all go wrong, and when will it all go right? I jsut read my Bible, Romans. And one verse stuck out to me. "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." -Romas 15:13. That's what I'm going to keep reminding myself all day. Yup, that's what I'm gonna do.

Sweet Dreams or a Beautiful Nightmare

Lately, I've been feeling so lost and hopeless. For those who don't know, my dad and I got into a fight, he was pretty much going to delete me from his life. But things are slowly starting to look up. Ever since last Thursday, I think I have cried at least once everyday. People have shown concern, which I greatly appreciate. I really do. I almost didn't go to BASIC tonight. For 3 main reasons. One, I didn't want to. Two, to do homework instead. and three, because I knew I wouldn't be able to avoid Annette if I went. I'm so glad I did though! It was super encouraging, Anthony read from James, which is ironic because I read James last night. I realized I can't expct anything to change by doing absolutely nothing. I have to help fight this battle of my mind. It's bound to get a little bloody but it'll all be worth it in the end. I was so, so close to just saying screw it all, to put it bluntly. But during BASIC, I just felt this peace and I knew I wasn't alone in this fight. God is with me. He'll take care of me. God knows I need it, haha. My talk with Annette went really well. I was so happy to just get it off my chest. I think I'm in love with the DiPierro's. They are both wonderfully amazing!

I feel like I'm starting to lose you as my twin. It makes me sad. I never see you anymore. One of the reasons I got upset at BASIC was because I felt like she was stealing you from me, I've felt that a lot lately. I feel like you've found someone better and more fun. Kinda hurts. I pray I'm wrong though.

I feel my heart being pulled in so many different directions. So many conflicting emotions. I am kind of scared that one day I am going to act on certain feelings even though I know I shouldn't. But I don't think I will. Just an irrational fear. Sometimes I think I don't even have the right to feel the way I do, because there are others.

Here's to hoping things start looking up and stop looking so hopeless.

**HIGHLY EMO POST**

God, where are you? I need You so bad right now. Are You holding me? Because I don't feel it. Are You wiping away my tears? Because they're still there. All I can do is sit here and wonder where everything went wrong and if it'll ever be right again. I feel like believing in You isn't even enough to satisfy me anymore. I don't want to turn away from You, Lord, but I feel that's what it's going to come down to. I don't want to turn away from You, but I don't want to turn to You either. I'm sick of feeling like I'm praying to no one. Father, I just need some sign You're listening, I'm slowly slipping under and I don't have the strength to stop myself from going under completely.

My Heart is Tired

Here I am, asking what seems to be a FAQ this semester, why do we have emotions? Sometimes I think we'd be better off without them.

Memo: Never Get Sick

I hate being sick. It really sucks. But last I checked my temp was back to normal, yay! Being sick has helped me realize who really cares enough to check up on you and make sure you're doing ok. It's helped me realize who is thinking of me at any given moment. I'm not saying the rest of you don't, but the people who text or visit me make their concern known, which I am very thankful for. I can't help but think if any of you were in my shoes, I'd be all over doing what I could to help, and I have in the past. I guess I've learned who really and truly cares. Idk, I'm not mad or anything, just some observations. It reminds me of a country song called, "Find Out Who Your Friends Are." Good song. But yeah, thats about it.

JUSTIFIED, SANCTIFIED, NOT ASHAMED!!!

I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I can't say it enough. This past weekend was superly amazingly incredible, I think it was my fave BASIC Conference thus far. Where to start? Friday night! worship was amazing, then we were treated to thre very interesting and entertaining Pastor Jude however you spell his last name...he was great! I went up during the alter call and a red dot leader came up to me and I told her what I've been struggling with and she prayed for healing for me. Throught it all, I wanted to be emotional, I wanted to cry...I couldn't. Then Annette asked ot pray for me but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to tell her what I had just told a total stranger. I felt so cleansed and liek I was wlaking on air when the red dot leader was done. I refuse ot let Satan rule me anymore! Then we went to Denny's and celebrated Shonda's birthday!! I love her. I paid for her dinner, even though they took off most of the price of her dinner cuz it was her birthday :) BEST part of the evening: Ryan's encounter with the cop and having fun with the waiter. I love how going to Denny's is almost always an adventure. Then came Saturday, too quickly. I liked the women's session but I feel like it needed to be more energizing and challenging for us as women of God. Then Saturday morning's session with Pastor Jude (love him). His message really hit home for me and I'm going to be downloading that software onto my computer at some point. Hopefully today. Then the pizza party. It was fun, I wish it was a dance party though, where we could dance to 80's music. Dinner that night was at Ryan's house, yummy lasagna mixed with karaoke, it was a fun, relaxing time. Pastor Jude spoke for the last time Saturday night, which was my fave part of the weekend. When he was talking about going to China and preaching the Gospel, something just opened up and I started crying from this inexplicable grief. Well, I think I know why I felt it, but I'm afraid I could be wrong but at the same time, I don't want to be right. So we'll see. That was probably really confusing, but oh well. Um, what else? OH! I'm thinking about the possibility of going to China with Campus Target. I'm so scared though. So scared. Like when I think about it, I feel myself getting ready to cry. I don't want my fears to get in the way of doing what God wants me to do. I'm gonna be doing alot of praying. ALOT. There are so many reasons for me not go, and the funny thing is, school isn't one of them, haha. I'd have to say money and my family are my 2 biggest reasons. Anyway, anything else? Sunday morning was pretty good, with Todd Cavanaugh speaking about how we're royalty and we were meant to live above alcohol and sex and drugs. So so true. I think thats about it. On the way back, it was funny watching Shonda and Spink throw brownies at Ryan's car. And seeing Miss Hopson was awesome!

On a less happier note, it's amazing how much you can learn about a person when you have to ride in the same car as them for awhile. I found myself getting frustrated and annoyed at Nick alot this weekend. Most of it occurred while in his car, I think. It wasn't anything specific either, it was mostly little things. I felt like a jerkface when I did get annoyed with him though. Idk, I feel like these complicated feelings are dissipating, and yet other, more complicated feelings have arisen. Argh.

I am so afraid. I'm afraid I'm going to go back to the way I was before the conference. Not reading my Bible, not really praying, not reaching out. I don't want to. I am so afraid it's going to happen though, whether I notice it or not. Im afraid I won't be able to flee from the devil and temptation. I have to though, I have to. I refuse to go back. I don't want these to be ust words, I want them to be actions. You know what? I need to have faith. Faith that God really has changed my heart, my thoughts. HE HAS HEALED ME! I refuse to believe otherwise. And that's my weekend in a nutshell, haha. Now I need to actually apply all of what I've learned to my life. I can do it! Watch out world, it's a justified, sanctified, unashamed, loved by God me!

<3 Dee