Yup

I am sooooooo stressed right now, so stressed I want to cry, I have cried. There's an underlying sadness causing these tears. I wish I knew what it was. But being stressed is the icing on the cake, I guess. I will be deactivating Facebook and plan on having no social life this week. Yippee. Not. But it's a must if I plan to get through this semester. Yeah. Fun stuff amigos.

I like ramen noodles, but not the juice

Do I blog too much? I feel like I do. Oh well. I'm sittign at my computer eating Ramen noodles and listening to "By Your Side" by I forget who, good song though, I LOVE it. Got it off Ryan's roadtrip cd :-) I just don't understand people. How can you move into a relationship so fast?? seriously? i can't help but wonder if this person even asked for God's guidance or anything. but i will hold my tongue and remain neutral. i know what will happen if i don't keep quiet. i just feel like it's too fast. whatever. maybe i'm completely wrong, definitely a possibility. ya know, i thought i was good at kickball, until i played with people who are better than me. i got really annoyed at people, mainly a person. he was soooooo cocky and arrogant, worse than usual. i didnt really have fun. i wanted ot leave before the game even started. i'm just being a negative nancy, don't mind me. i feel like people were taking pity on me and felt the need to treat me special, especially bz. he told me he tried kicking the ball toward me at one point. why? so i could catch it and make it seem like im good? lame. i didnt think i was that bad. i've realized why i hate sports. in middle/high school, i gym, i was horrible at them. it seemed like people judged me based on whether or not i could play well. i couldn't, which definitely lowered my already low self-esteem. i have better self-esteem now, but playing kickball brought some of it to the surface again. but i survived. im not sure i will be doing any more of these sporting events of kdee's. i prefer to watch. Did you know Jesus loves you? He does :) Crazy, right? im tired. trnasformers 2 was good, but not great. i can't see how they could consider it a kids movie, so much swearing and sexual references, im worried for the future generations.

its been a weird semester so far. it seems like satan has found our biggest weaknesses and using them against ourselves and against each other, at times. but guess what? WE WILL OVERCOME!! we have something he doesn't and thats the love of Jesus. it's alive and everpresent in all of us, it's up to us what we do with it. i need to go wash my roommate's hotpot out and silverware, using her dishsoap and sponge :-D

<3 dee

Why are you looking for love?

Last night went well, I think. God gave me the courage to say what I've been needing to say. I only pray the healing will begin. When I was thinking about last night, all I could picture was me with chains aorund my hands that were holding me to the ground with Satan dancing around me. Then Jesus came in and freed me from those chains. Bye Satan! I'm excited to see the good that is bound to come out of this. I have had a great day. i'm falling in love with Jesus all over again! My heart is just overjoyed. But there's something else thats been on my mind lately. Tuesday night, Ryan talked about how we all have something special and unique about us. I fee like I don't have anything special about me. I'm just average and don't have anything to offer anyone. I just want to light up someone's world. It seems everyone has someone like that. I don't and it hurts. I also need to be needed. I want to be wanted. I just got really sad all of a sudden. Perfect example of how life is one huge roller coaster ride, haha. blahhhhhhhhh. I am so overwhelmed right now, with everything. Honestly, I don't think I'm going to the bonfire because I want to use that time to do my neverending pile of hmwk. It sucks. " Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up. I need Your loving hands to come and pick me up..." Isn't it amazing how we can stumble and stumbe and stumble some more, and Jesus is right there, waiting to pick us up and dust us off? And He will still love us no matter what? It's mindblowing to me. I just pray I stumble less and less as I continue to grow and heal. "By His wounds, we are healed...." Amen!

.....

I'm really nervous about our date tonight. i want to cancel it again. but i know i can't. i don't think i've ever been more nervous in my life. i know only good can come out of this. God will take care of me. I need Him to take care of me. Because I can't do this alone. I just can't.

In A Room Full of People...

...I feel alone. yeah. no other way to put it. i've cried a lot today, alot of it had to do with reflecting on things that need changing in my life. things i don't want to deal with anymore. i hate feeling like this is out of my control. at outpouring, zach talked about how to know if you are ready for dating. bridge said she felt like i was ready spiritually, if only she knew, i totally am not ready. i know what i have to do though, i just need the courage. its all a matter of finding the courage. and where does that lie? in Jesus of course!!! so yeah.

i really don't want to do this bible study with andy anymore. if i do, there will be 5 christians helping lead it. a little much, no? one of them being an Aussie, Meg. I really want to meet her so I can tell her she has some pretty big shoes to fill after simone, haha. i miss her like WHOA!

this semester everyone seems to have changed in some way, shape or form. not sure what to make of it. i feel like its been a really weird semester so far. im beginning to feel thaat i dont belong at new cov. but i really dont want to leave it cuz im so familiar with it, ya know? outpouring was good but i wasnt feelin' it. maybe i'll try elim sometime. i dunno. i just feel whatever happened this summer with pastor chuck was not very Godlike. speaking of church, i've been getting really annoyed lately. every sunday we're late for church because we're always waiting for someone. how hard is it to be ready by 9:45? get up earlier if you know its gonna take you so long to get ready. worship is my fave part of church and we always miss a good chunk of it. im sorry if you get mad at me but im sick of holding things back because i dont want people mad at me. im starting to not care anymore. i really am. everywhere we go, we're waiting for one thing or another. i need to work on my patience i guess, along with a million other things. like going to bed at a decent time, haha.

lately, ive been desiring physical closeness. someone to cuddle up with during a movie or something to that effect, is that bad? i just like hugs. especially ryan's and bridge's, they give the best hugs ever!! im not a fan of favoritism. ive been feeling it alot this semester, coming from different people, whether it be from people at church or within our own group. yah man. i think thats everything ive had on my mind lately. oh, i dont like a majority of my fam having facebook, i feel i wont be able ot put anything as statuses anymore cuz one of them will question me about it. and sometimes its not things i want to talk about with them. oh well. i still have blogger, i think. i changed my password. now thats everything. goodnight my beautiful people.

Across This New Divide

I absolutely love that song, New Divide, its amazing!! I really want to see Transformers 2. And HP 6. So I called my dad last night, after not talking to him for 2 weeks. I didn't realize it had been such a burden on my heart. I guess what made me realize how horrible I've been was when my mom told me through my sister's AIM that my dad was hurt and he felt like he was losing me. That just tore me apart inside. I apologized and since we don't really have the kind of relationship where we talk about our feelings, we just kind of picked up where we left off. Then I talked to my mom, and I started crying and she asked me why, and I said because I'm mad at myself for being so hurtful. And then it went on from there. Afterward, I felt so light and free and overjoyed. I love God. I just watched this youtue video called haven-9/11 remix, so so sad. I cried. Like tears were pouring out of my eyes. then I watched Lady Gaga's Paparazzi video, so BAD! Love the song, hate the video. Ok, I woud like to take a minute to remember all the victims of 9/11, those who lost their lives and their loved ones. I was in 7th grade, in my technology class and my teacher walked in late and told us the World Trade Center had been hit by planes. I honestly had no idea what it was or anything. I jsut remember going home and my parents weren't home, they were at a dr appt, my sister turned on the news and we just sat there watching it, even though I really had no idea what was going on.

Sometimes I wish people would trust me. When something's wrong with someone I try to make it known I'm here if they wanna talk. But hardly anyone ever does. why? I know I've made my mistakes, but I've learned from them. So, guys, I'm here if you just want someone to listen. I don't even know why I'm saying this because I know many of you will ignore it. Oh well. I'll always be here for ALL f my friends, every single one of you, k?

Ok, there's a bonfire tonight, so excited. Next friday, there's going to be a movie night. With two movies I'm not really interested in watching. I'm glad there's all these planned events going on but I like spontaneity, just doing something on a whim, like last weekend. I love those kinds of weekends.

I was just thinking, I don't have any best friends. I have close friends, but no best friend, kinda makes me want one. Haha. Whatever, just something I was thinking about. Another thing, there's been something on my heart I really feel God telling me to talk to someone about but I am so scared. Scared that whoever I tell will look down on me and hate me. I came across a quote somewhere that says, "Your greatest rewards lie in your greatest fears." So true and yet, I'm afraid to do what I should. *Sigh*

Enough rambling. I have a lunch date with Shannon, I'm excited, I'm especially fond of her ;-)

Stuffed animals, nametags and cellular devices

I've been thinking how different this semester is turning out to be. I think a good different though. Last year, in the beginning I always felt like the newbie when I first started hanging out with all you lovely people. but this year, I don't feel like that anymore and I find myself wanting to talk to new people, and getting to know them. I just want them to feel welcome and be able to experience the love and caringness I'm sure we all feel when we're together. Or even when we're far apart, actually. I just want people to feel like they belong to our "group", not sure how else to word it. Andy wants ot do an international Bible study, and wants another Christian to be there to help lead it. He asked me to pray about it. Well, everytime I go to pray about it, I feel like God is aleady there, screaming, well maybe not screaming, but loudly exclaiming YES, DO IT!!! And I really really want to do it. I think it would be so much fun and I would definitely be stepping outside my comfort zone. I gots my new puter!!! It came the day before yesterday. Come to think of it, this my first blog post written on my new computer, that's exciting. It's official, I haven't talked to my parents in a week. I think this is the longest I've ever gone without talking to them. I think I'm going to write them letters this weekend. I'm not sure if they'd answer the phone if I called them. So, at the moment, I am completely addicted to two songs. I keep playing them over nad over because I love them so much. They are Lucy by Skillet and New Divide by Linkin Park. The first week of classes is officially over!!! 3 day weekend ahead! YAY!! I'm excited for it. I feel like my blog should be organized, like my thoughts should make sense and be nat and orderly, but ya know what? that's not who I am. I like my blogs to be spontaneous and random and go all over the place. So if osmeone doesn't like it, oh well, I' not forcing them to read it :-)

<3 Dee