...I feel alone. yeah. no other way to put it. i've cried a lot today, alot of it had to do with reflecting on things that need changing in my life. things i don't want to deal with anymore. i hate feeling like this is out of my control. at outpouring, zach talked about how to know if you are ready for dating. bridge said she felt like i was ready spiritually, if only she knew, i totally am not ready. i know what i have to do though, i just need the courage. its all a matter of finding the courage. and where does that lie? in Jesus of course!!! so yeah.
i really don't want to do this bible study with andy anymore. if i do, there will be 5 christians helping lead it. a little much, no? one of them being an Aussie, Meg. I really want to meet her so I can tell her she has some pretty big shoes to fill after simone, haha. i miss her like WHOA!
this semester everyone seems to have changed in some way, shape or form. not sure what to make of it. i feel like its been a really weird semester so far. im beginning to feel thaat i dont belong at new cov. but i really dont want to leave it cuz im so familiar with it, ya know? outpouring was good but i wasnt feelin' it. maybe i'll try elim sometime. i dunno. i just feel whatever happened this summer with pastor chuck was not very Godlike. speaking of church, i've been getting really annoyed lately. every sunday we're late for church because we're always waiting for someone. how hard is it to be ready by 9:45? get up earlier if you know its gonna take you so long to get ready. worship is my fave part of church and we always miss a good chunk of it. im sorry if you get mad at me but im sick of holding things back because i dont want people mad at me. im starting to not care anymore. i really am. everywhere we go, we're waiting for one thing or another. i need to work on my patience i guess, along with a million other things. like going to bed at a decent time, haha.
lately, ive been desiring physical closeness. someone to cuddle up with during a movie or something to that effect, is that bad? i just like hugs. especially ryan's and bridge's, they give the best hugs ever!! im not a fan of favoritism. ive been feeling it alot this semester, coming from different people, whether it be from people at church or within our own group. yah man. i think thats everything ive had on my mind lately. oh, i dont like a majority of my fam having facebook, i feel i wont be able ot put anything as statuses anymore cuz one of them will question me about it. and sometimes its not things i want to talk about with them. oh well. i still have blogger, i think. i changed my password. now thats everything. goodnight my beautiful people.
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