Reverse

Okay, so my last post was in surrender to my mind. Deep in my heart, I know none of those things I wrote about is true. My identity is in Christ, and in Him I AM special. I AM spiritual. I DO stand out, in my own way. I can't let my tricky little mind tell me different. No way. I guess I need to learn to not write about fleeting feelings, ones I know aren't going to last very long. I dunno. I guess life is one big learning experience. And right now, I am learning more and more about who I am in God, and not who I am in Satan, because he has no power in my life!

Leftover Thoughts and Emotions

High expectations. Disappointment. Disheartened. Guilty. Shame. Disencouraged.

These are all things I felt last night. I went to the prophecy service with high hopes and expecting God to really move in my life. And when it didn't happen, I was disappointed. I felt discouraged because I could have used encouragement so much, but I didn't receive any. And then I felt guilty and ashamed for having these kinds of thoughts and feelings. I felt like, and still do feel like, I'm not special enough, or spiritual enough, or I don't stand out enough, to receive word. I went in with high hopes, and I came out with those hopes dashed. I hated that I came out of a church service, especially a special one, feeling discouraged because that's not what church is supposed to instill in you. When we left church, I had to keep humming worship songs to keep my stupid emotiona ltears from coming out. I did love worship though. I thought it was amazing.

So all in all, I did not enjoy last night's service very much. I hate to say it. All these emotions were coming at me and I didn't know what to do with them. I still don't. Pray, I suppose. Read the Word.

I have a living room and bedroom to clean.

Just a Dream

There are times when I look at his pictures and smile fondly. There are times when I look at his pictures and sadness overcomes me. Sometomes, there's a tiny hope in me that one day we'll wake up and this'll all have been a dream and he'll be here. But I also know it's never going to happen. It's so amazing the lives he touched, the way he let the light of God shine so brightly through him.

Sometimes, your smile still gets to me, nad I can't help but feel a kind of regret. However, I know this is for the best, and I'm not letting it get me down.

Yup.

MADSEX (Gotta Love Pastor Carter!)

Can I just say church on Friday really impacted me, more than any church service I have ever been to, which is kind of ironic because I did doze off a few times, haha. Pastor Carter just really spoke to my heart. God definitely used him to reach me!

And then in church today, Pastor Beaumont mentioned how if something he's said has touched our heart, we should focus on it and let the Holy Spirit do His work where He needs to. On Friday night, when we came back, I really wanted to take a walk or something to really reflect on the service and God, but I didn't. I got so caught up in Ghost Whisperer and sleeping. Oops. Also, we had four "new" people come to church with us. It hit me that we really need to pray our hearts out for them, so we don't lose them to Satan. It's saddening to see people come to church or BASIC once and then just disappear. We have to stop letting it happen. How? I don't know. I just know we need to really and truly pray that these people don't fade away like so many have.

I'm tired.

Heart of Worship

I realized something today. So many times, people judge the quality of their worship on the quality of the person leading worship. It really shouldn't be like that. Like, in Church. It shouldn't matter if the person leading isn't the best at it. I think what matters, or should matter, is the amount of heart you yourself put into it. Putting all of your being into worship is going to give you a better worship experience than merely singing the words and relying on the worship leader to enhance your worship experience. I hate phrasing it that way, but I can't think of a better way, haha. Like even if there's not that great of a worship leader, it doesn't mean you can't fully experience the presence of God. It's all about how much you're willing to put into it. I have so often judged whether I like worship or not based on whether I like the songs or not, or whether the worship is my kind of style or not. Worship is worship. None of that should matter and yet it does.



To go further with my last post about missions, I was telling Beth Smith (BASIC faculty advisor and I work with her at my workstudy job) about my human trafficking class. She said that it's sad, but important to be aware of, because you never know where God has called you to go. I'm wondering if this is kind of a sign. Hmmmm.



Now, onto reading The Iliad....or watch people play Wii, haha. Ciao!