Yada yada yada

I don't feel very good. I kinda feel nauseated, but hungry. I'm thirsty. I feel shaky, and kinda sweaty. And tired. I have a headache. But I have things to do. After I write this. I feel selfish. I focus so much on my own problems, I forget others have their own. But it seems no one wants to talk about them. So what's the use in even asking. Everyone has their own confidantes. Even me. I never know where I'm going with these posts. Ever since last night, I've been contemplating and pondering. About a lot. Most of it saddens me. We're in a sorry state, our "family." There is no family that I see. Sure we get together once in awhile, but I dunno. I don't know how to explain it. I just feel so sad. So sad. Today, in Church, I couldn't even focus during worship. I felt like I was just singing, I wasn't truly worshipping with my heart. It saddened me. Sure we can talk about unity and blah blah blah, but nothing ever changes. Nothing. It's starting to kind of make me mad. We need todo everything in our power to help each other. It's hard to help people though, if they're not going to admit they need it. I need help. I know I do. I'd like to think I've come a long way in being able to open up. Correct me if I'm wrong. I'm sick of asking people what's wrong, out of concern and nothing more, and not getting much of a response. We all need revelation in our lives. We need to truly love our God. Not out of conviction or guilt, but simply out of love. I include myself in that. I need to stop being fine with not growing as much as I want to. I need, I need, I need. So much. THE TIME IS NOW.



p.s. Sorry if it seems like I'm copying your post. That was not my intention.

God doesn't belong in a box on a dusty shelf

Just a little rant. I know my family means well, and everyone means well. But seriously, don't say you're praying for someone if you're not. So many people who I know aren't Christian or religios in any way, shape or form keep saying they're praying for my grandpa and family. Even my siblings. It irritates me slightly. And I am not trying to bash my family or anything like that. I just don't think it's right. I know they only have good intentions though. The Bible says we should rejoice in the Lord during good times, and bad. It seems like people don't want to have anything to do with Him when everything's going good. But as soon as something bad happens, suddenly, they believe in God. And once everything's well again, God is put back in the little box and placed on a shelf until the next bad thing happens. It's kind of saddening really. I don't know.

I'm really glad things are good again between us. It'll probably take some work to get our friendship back to where it was, but I'm willing to do it. :)

I'm tired. Snow day tomorrow! I can only hope. Haha.

Where's Waldo?

I called my house tonight. And it turns out the tumor on my mom's liver isn't cancerous, but the doctors are going to keep an eye on it. However, my grandpa is going back to Syracuse tomorrow to get a heart catheterization and surgery on his heart, both of which are dangerous with the way his health is. My fish just went sideways, I think he's really dying this time :( Anyway, I know God will take care of him (my grandpa, not my fish), and keep His hand over the situation. It still worries and saddens me though.

I have no idea where to go with any of what was said. I'm sorry I couldn't give you the answers you wanted. Actually, I don't think I am. I am sorry our friendship has come to this. Honestly, I don't see it improving anytime soon. It seems whenever you want to "talk," all you do is point out flaws I have. That's not what we're supposed to be about. Now I feel like everytime I talk or speak or do anything, I'm going to be questioning myself in my head, wondering if I'm copying someone or being myself. I'm going to be asking myself if this is my true personality. I already am with this blog post. Is this what I would say? If not, what would I say? I'm a little angry, I'm a little hurt, but most of all, I'm numb. I don't know what I feel. All I know is I'm starting to not care about our friendship anymore. I can be civilized and polite and friendly. But to ever reach the point where we were, almost best friends I'd say, I don't see it happening. The only person I am ever going to change for is God. I'm growing, I'm imperfect. But guess what? So are you. We all are. And that is why need our Savior. In Him, we are made perfect. Not through anyone else. I am never going to be perfect, and I am never going to pretend I am. And neither should you. Or anyone. I'm done with this. I guess we'll just have to see where the road takes us. But I think this friendship is pretty much sunk.

I felt really happy when you asked me what you did. I felt like it showed the trust you have in me. It makes me happy to know I've started to gain that trust. If I hadn't already. I dunno. Anyway, yeah.

I need a mental health day or something. I want to just go somewhere. That wouldn't solve anything though. I feel like a lot was left unresolved tonight, and not with just me and someone else, but with everyone. I don't know how to go about fixing whatever it is that's the issue. I know I should go to Erin, but she scares me. I love her, but I find her kind of intimidating. Maybe that's the kind of person that's needed in this situation.

I can't express enough how grateful I am to each and every one of you. You've all helped and encouraged me. I love you all. It's times like this when I realize how much we truly need each other for love and support. I'm so emotional lately. Well, I think we all have been, actually. Blah. I gotta go to bed, I gotta be up at 8. Maybe I'll not go to my workstudy job. No, I need the money. I have to go. I have to go. I have to go. That reminds me! I have a $20 in my pants pocket. I better get it before I forget. Toodles.

Are you my mother?

I'm really mad right now. I don't know if I even have any right to be, but I am. I don't like it when you have a friend who acts like your mother, and scolds you like one. I feel like I was scolded. For no reason I can see. And the fact that they always seem to bring up faults you have. It's never anything edifying. I feel like it's been constant lately, not from everyone, just certain people. It's not pleasant, being constantly made to feel like a jerk all the time. Always feeling like I'm in the wrong, and sometimes I am. Beign made to feel like I need to apologize about everything. We all have our faults, but for them to be pointed out as many times as mine have been, not cool. I could say more, but I'm going to stop.

Peer over the edge, can you see me?

I'm tired. Probably not as tired as some, but still. My mom had another MRI today, but won't know the results until Monday. Argh. I've also been waiting for the camp director to call me to tell me I've been re-hired, there's no doubt in my mind that I have. Not to be conceited or anything. Just sayin. I'm not sure where I'm goin with this, but I'm bored, and don't want to go to bed quite yet. Even though I do have to be up at 8 in the morning. Yuck. Next year is going to be so different, but I'm kind of excited. I just wish some people weren't so stinkin stubborn! Oh well. What will be will be. I am determined to go see Owl City! I am going, I am! Nothing will stop me! Muah ha ha ha!

I feel like it's been a weird day, like kind of surreal. It took a lot for me to go to my classes. And my 10:20, the professor didn't even show up, I skipped on Monday, and I guess he didn't show up that day either. Weird. But I'm not complaining. I can't believe tomorrow is Thursday already! Crazy stuff.

Can I just say I am so glad I got that off my chest? I know it's not something most people would have done, but do I look like most people? I think not! Anyway, it made it easier knowing it was already known, if that makes any sense. But even though it was known, I had to do it, for myself. Get it? Got it? Good! Can you hear me now? Good! I tired. Can you tell? Blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Do I have anything else to say? Yes! Valentine's Day. It was really nice. Nick made me this huge heart with truffles taped to it. It was cute. I ate all the truffles. No, I lied. I have two left. And then some of us went to Ryan's house. I felt bad because I felt like I should have stayed behind with Nick, but all he was going to do was homework. So I went. And ate squid. Never again. I would starve in Cambodia. No joke. Or any other Asian country for that matter. I like the desserts though. They were good. And then we eventually came back and me and Nick had a quiet, candlelit dinner at the finest dining facility on cmapus, Lakeside. Ok, minus the candles. That would be a fire hazard, yes it would. And then I did homework for the rest of the night. Fun stuff yo! So yeah. That's my life in a nutshell. Gotta love awkward moments. Ok, I be done. Ni-hao! (Yes, I realize that's hi in chinese). Snow day tomorrow! I feel it in my bones. Bones? I have bones. 206 of them. Hannah Montana had an episode where she made up a song about all the bones in the body, to help her pass biology. Ok, I'm really done now. Buenos dia!

We Are Family

Wow, boy did we all need that. I think the family/prayer meeting was a great idea, even if our girls' night did have to be postponed. My mom had an MRI and the doctors found a tumor on her liver, not sure if it's cancerous or not. I pray it's not. When I was talking to my mom on the phone, I could tell she was trying not to cry. Afterward, I just felt so sad. And I started getting angry at God. Angry that He would kep putting my family through these things. And then we had the meeting. I had no idea people were going through what they were. Which is why I think it's important for us to look after each other, and every once in awhile just say, "Hey, what's goin on?" Anyway, while we were worshipping, I just wanted to be home, with my family. I felt the desire and need to go. If I had a license and car, I probably would have gone. But I don't. I still feel kind of sad, but I also know God knows what He's doing, and I just gotta trust Him. It's hard, but I have to. I love Erin and Patrick. They're so funny! And full of Godly wisdom, I look up to Erin as a sister in Christ :)

One thing was said that I really need to do. I have to give it all to God, I have to put forth 110% effort. My best isn't good enough. It's time to go above and beyond. I think tomorrow (technically today), I'm just going to spend a couple hours in prayer and reading my Bible, maybe take a walk, think things through, that kind of stuff. I wanted to take a walk during worship but I was lazy, haha. The other thing, about women's ministry, I think it would be so cool! When we were praying for Lisa, I pictured her running around and dancing in front of a crowd, it was like a BASIC Conference type thing, and she was getting the crowd all pumped up. She's gonna do awesome things, I know it. The very first prayer night we went to, I told her so :) I really think others would have benefited from this meeting. It was so good, and very muchly needed.

I told my roomie I wouldn't be coming back tonight. I lied. I'm back, haha. I forgot her friend, Jared was comign up for the weekend so I walked in the door and saw him on the floor and had a mini heart attack. Then I remembered. Oh! And when Erin was talking abotu how we build up cases against ourselves, I just kept thinking, "Yup, that's me." So much of what she said spoke right to my heart. It was crazy! I love that girl. I get to sleep in. Yay! Night y'all :)

P.S. To all my brothers and sisters, I love you all and consider myself so blessed to have each and every one of you in my life. I know some people won't see this, but oh well. <3

Hugs to spare

It's been a weird night. For those of you who don't know, my grandpa is in Syracuse hospital. He has an infection attacking his vital organs such as his kidneys and lungs. It has also been attacking his heart. The doctors wanted to do some procedure, but they said if they do, he won't make it through. And if they give him the medicines he needs, his heart and lungs wont be able to handle it. So no one really knows what to do at the moment. They say he's doing slightly better though, so they may send him home within the next couple days. It just hit me tonight just how serious it all is, and it breaks my heart. I worry for my family, it's been an emotional rollercoaster for them. See, I have Jesus to help me. They don't. I'm hoping to use this as an opportunity though. People ask me what's wrong and I feel like if I try explaining it, I'll burst into tears. I came really close earlier in Kdee's room. I just left Scales because I just didn't feel like I bleonged there at the moment. Mainly because everyone was so happy and giggly and I wasn't. The moment I walked out Bridge and Lisa's room and started walking down the hallway, the tears started falling. And they haven't stopped. I'm not writing this to get sympathy. I'm writing it because I need to. I can't do it on Facebook through a status, wayyyy too much. So I chose here.

Does anyone have an extra hug? Because I could certainly use one. I just want someone to tell me it's going to be ok. It has to be ok. I don't want to be around people, but I don't want to be alone. My Skype date with Simone cheered me up a little. I love that Aussie. I need to go to bed. I have to be up at 8. Yuck. Anyway, I'm sorry you had to read this. I know it's not exactly cheerful, but I needed to write it.

Typhoid Mary

Colds stink. But I realized something earlier. I have a measly little cold. There are thousands of people out there suffering from cancers, and other terminal illnesses. I really don't have much of a right to complain. I am thankful for my roomie's drugstore, hahaha. I'm going to miss it and her next year :( I hope I'll still get to see her. I really should be doing homework. Bleh.

This weekend was really good! I had a lot of fun, and I think I learned stuff, haha. I thought the services ran a little too long, but overall, I liked it. I loved Tim O'Leary, one of the main speakers. He was so funny! It almost felt like we were at a BASIC conference, especially Friday night, when we went to Denny's. That was Friday night, wasn't it? The days have just kind of blended together. Like yesterday felt like a Sunday, I think mainly because we went to church that morning. That service was ok, but after awhile, I just wanted it to end. She was just repeating the same thing over and over. I'm getting really good at typing without looking at the keyboard. AnywhoI feel like I have a lot say but I don't feel like typing it all out. It's nothing important anyway. Ali is still alive! I'm so happy, he's a tough little guy, probably takes after me :-D

I'm not sure how I feel about this ET Bible Study. I hate discussion groups, so much. But at the same time, I want to learn more about this stuff, because I know pretty much nothing about any of it. I dunno, we shall see. On a different note, I feel like things within our own group have changed from what they were last semester. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's not. I find myself rethinking thoughts I had been able to get rid of last semester. And I don't really like it, because I know I'm just being silly and thinking too much. But I also know I'm not the only one who disagrees with some things that, I think, are getting old and tiresome. But whateva. I just saw that my stuffed frog has a little plastic Denny's sword sticking out of it's eye, interesting. Can't remember when I did that, haha. My laundry will be done in 20 minutes. Dating is interesting. It's weird though, because people call him my boyfriend, but I really don't think the title fits until we're actually in a relationship. I want to change my status back to single on Facebook, but I don't want everyone to go into freakout mode, especially my parents and aunt, yikes. I feel like a jerkface though, because he's trying and I feel like I'm not. I gotta work on that. He's great and is always willing to do things for me, and I feel like I dont deserve it. Maybe I'm just too used to doing things on my own. In church, we learned that love is not selfish and it should be about the other person. He's doing a great job with thatand I'm sucking at it. Perhaps it's a good thing we're only dating. I has lots to learn. :)

I want to be a world changer. I want to help as many people as I can. I'd love to just travel the world to poor countries and do what I can to help them. I want to make the sun shine visible to people who have only ever seen darkness. Maybe this is my calling in life, maybe this is what God desires for me to do. I want the love of Christ to just flow from me and touch the lives of those who would have never felt it otherwise. I want to surrender to His will. I just don't know where to begin. Perhaps within my own heart? My eyes feel really weird, like dried out or something. Going back on topic, so yeah, this is what I desire most for my life. 12 minutes. I think I am going to end there. Can't really think of anything else I want to say. Goodday mates!

Compasses

Yesterday, I woke up and I had this feeling that I was going to have a really good day. And I was really happy. And now I why. Last night, Nick and I were hanging out, playing games, and then he asked me if I was still interested in dating and I said yes. And then he said he wanted to date me and I said ok. So we're dating! About time, heeheehee. But it's just proof that good things really do come to those who wait. Who woulda thunk? I think I wasn't the only one waiting though. I had the suspicion S.B. liked him too, because she was always asking about him and stuff. And her status last night kinda confirmed it. I don't even really feel bad either. Oops.

I was sitting in my Shakespeare class yesterday and I had just turned off my Ipod before class and it was Owl City playing when I did. I was sitting there thinking about "If My Heart Was a House," and the few lines that say, "Circle me and the needle moves gracefully," and "If I was a compass, you'd be north." I realized that God and Jesus fit this perfectly. We are the compass. Jesus is the needle. God is North. We use Jesus to point us in the direction of north, our Father. And in the end, we will always be pointing in His direction. Interesting, eh? I thought so :-D

I am so in love with "Sweetly Broken!" I absolutely love it at the moment. I keep listening to it nonstop! Seriously. Good stuff. I think that's all I got for now. Peace out, my lovely friends.