One Word

One Word

Words are said
Feelings are hurt
Apologies are nonexistent
Grudges are held
Friends become strangers
In a time
When friends should be
Held dear to the heart
And pride needs
To step aside
To make room for love
And friendship rekindled
All because of one word
That means the difference between
Blank stares or warm smiles
Cold shoulder or embracing hugs
Long talks or short hellos
All of this depends on one word
Are you willing to say it?

Fun Times

Wow, what a weekend!! I must say Friday night I had the most fun I've had in a long time! It reminded me of all the fun we used to have together. Thanks Shannan for the idea to go out to the bluffs and have a bonfire, thanks Ryan for the s'more stuff. I am now a s'more making expert ;-) Then, puddle jumping I have found ot be a great stress reliever. It also brings out the inner child in us. Just being out there with the lightening, rain and thunder was really cool! I had never been out in an open field in a thunderstorm before and even though I knew something could go wrong, I felt so safe and secure out there. Despite the noise and wet cold, it felt very peaceful to me. Who says you have to drink to have fun? We got to have lots of fun, without paying the consequences the next morning. Who knew that could happen?? Anyway, despite slightly injuring my knee and almost having to buy a new cell-phone, it was quite a night. My upper arms are still sore from king of the hill and amoeba, but definitely worth it. Went to bed at 3, woke up at 8. So Saturday, Ebby picked me and Bridgette up and we went to the ladies' retreat at New Cov. It was a great time. we got to plant flowers and decorate flower pots, even though the water soaked through the pot and smudged all my writing and pictures, it still came out really pretty. We started with coffee and donuts and then Ebby and Amy Smith led worship. We sang songs about being Jesus' friend and how God loves us lots and lots. The guest speaker, Michelle Loperfido, who is from Bridgette's hometown, had a very encouraging word to say. She talked about friends and how there are three different levels of friendship: confidants (best friends you can be open with about everything), good friends (you can be open about most things, but not everything) and aquaintances (people you know and have something in common with, like work or children, capable of becoming a good friend or confidant). She mentioned how it's important to have relationships with people on all three levels, because an acquaintance just might end up being a confidant, over time.
Then we had lunch and me and Bridgette went and played on the swings. Michelle also talked about how God wants to be our friend and all we have to do is let him in and be honest about what's going on in our hearts. If we're angry with Him, then tell Him, because He will listen. She said we should be friends with Him because He will never leave us. So lately, I've been trying really hard to tell God about everything going on in my life and in my heart. So, yeah, those were the highlights of my weekend. Oh and Church was amazing, as usual, especially the worship :) that's it for now, until next time, I'm Dee, reporting for Dee, on location at the Oswego State campus. Good day.

Dee

I'm Through!

I am done wallowing in self-pity!! I am done feeling sorry for myself!!! Where is it gonna get me?? Absolutely nowhere. Exactly. Therefore, I must pull myself up off the ground and shake the dirt off. It's funny how people can tell you something over and over and it just doesn't sink in, until you realize it for yourself. I need to have God convict my heart of not seeking Him and spending time reading His word and listening for His voice. I will not let the enemy, who is prowling around me like a lion, devour me. No sir!! There will be no feasting on me tonight or anytime soon. Uh-uh, ain't nobody gonna be bitin my head off tonight, no sirree! Never mind me, I'm a little tired :) And ya know what? If I don't get to come back, I guess I'll just use it as a chance to do something productive and spiritual. But I really pray I do get to return cuz I would miss every single one of your lovely peoplefaces ;-) I have a new addiction!! To post-it notes. I have 8 stickin to my desk with different reminders and such. Ok, I'm done. Nighty night, don't let the bedbugs bite! :)

Dee


P.S. I love Jesus!!

Thoughts running through my head

Ugh, I hate this feeling hopelessness. I have applied for many loans and so far, all of them need a cosigner. My parents are unable to cosign for me so unless something big happens, I won't be able to come back next semester. It saddens me that this could possibly be my last semester here, although I am praying, praying, praying for God to help me in some way. Lately, I've been feeling like our "family" is no longer what it once was. There are the few really close ones who do almost everything together, and then there are the not so close ones, who are left out and forgotten occassionally. I'm not accusing anyone of anything, I think it's done unintentionally, but it's just something I've observed and experienced. I miss the family meetings we used to have last semester, I just think it brought us all so much closer together. There's so much more, I just don't know how to put it into words. I need to talk to someone so much but I feel no matter who I talk to, it's not the right person. I'm not looking for pity here. In fact, something my parents have noticed while raising me, I'm the type of person who needs to be pushed, pushed out of this rut, it's not anyone's pity I look for but someone who cares enough to tell me straight up what's what and encourage me to do whatever I can to make things better for myself. I don't think we encourage one another enough, I hear more putdowns than encouraging words in daily conversation and it's not right. Yesterday, on the breakwall, we all helped each other out and encouraged each other. It was nice, ya know? We should do it more often. I promise, my next blog will be a happy one :)

Dee

I don't feel like a title

The walls are closing in aorund me, there seems to be nowhere to turn. Fear grips my heart. Fear that things will never get better with my parents. Fear that I will one day lose them without being able to say goodbye and "I love you." Fear that I will never truly belong in our "family." Fear that I won't be able to come back next year due to financial issues. All these things I fear. I am quickly losing sight of the One who matters. My faith is weakening, the enemy is closing in. I'm beginning to believe He's not worth the struggle. I can't even bring myself to read my Bible, I feel like BASIC is becoming a waste of my time, except the worship part :) I have yet to really learn anything there. I really liked the meeting where the men and women split up though. That was cool. I fear I will never become the woman God wants me to be, no matter how hard I try. On the other hand, I've changed so much. Recently, I haven't been on the greatest terms with my parents. And today my mom said my dad is worried about me. Ok, going off on a tangent for a second. My biological mom has schizophrenia and depression. It got so bad, she would just shut everyone out and not let anyone try to help her. My dad has been worried the same thing is gonna happen to me, even though I know it's not. I don't know how to reassure him of that. My mom told me my dad misses the close relationship we used to have, in her words, "he misses his dee." And it makes me really sad that I didn't even notice the change in our relationship. But now I'm gonna try my best to bring it back to what it was because it makes me sad that my dad doesn't think I love him. I just feel like I need to talk to someone but the one person I really want to talk to is hundreds of miles away in Australia. Anyway, enough rambling for now. <3 you all!!!

History

So I was listening to my Ipod which has music on it that I didn't put on it cuz I bought it from Ashley Lowe. There is one song I heard and just decided to post the lyrics. I think we all can relate to it.

History-Matthew West

It's been a bad day
You've been looking back
And all you see is everything you wish you could take back
All your mistakes
A world of regrets
All of those moments you would rather forget
I know it's hard to believe
Let me refresh your memory

Yesterday is history
And history is miles away
So, leave it all behind you
But let it always remind you of the day
The day that love made history
You know you can't stay right where you fell
The hardest part is forgiving yourself
But let's take a walk into today
And don't let your past get in the way

Would you believe that you are history in the making, in the making?
Every choice that you are making
Every step that you are taking
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making

Every word that you are saying
Every prayer that you are praying
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
History is in the making
History is in the making

Easter Weekend

This weekend, I had planned to go home but due to some miscommunication and disagreements between me and my parents, I decided to stay on campus. Then Bridgette offered for me to go to her house. I accepted and we left Friday afternoon. However, by Saturday I regretted not going home and I desperately wanted to be there for Easter. Of course, on Thursday night I had felt God telling me to stop being stubborn and go home, but I didn't listen to Him. I'm not gonna say I had an awful time because I didn't. Her family was really nice and welcoming, they even included me adn gave me candy in an Easter basket :) Although we all know that's not what Easter is supposed to be about. Anyway, it just wasn't home and I missed being around my crazy, loud, big family and eating lots of ham and other yummy food and finding plastic eggs and looking for my Easter basket, corny I know but it's a family tradition, ya know? Even though it seems like I am constantly at odds with my parents, I've realized no one can replace my family. This reminds me of the saying, "The grass is greener on the other side." No, it really isn't. At least not for me. And to quote Dorothy, "There's no place like home."