Summer of Revival

It's hard enough trying to deal with my own doubts, I don't need anyone else lecturing me about why this apartment is a bad idea, and suggesting ways to get out of the lease. I tell them it's going to be okay, if only to get them to not go on and on about it. It usually doesn't even work. I have my own worries, so having to listen to their worries does not help anything at all. Blah.

Camp in a few days! I kind of can't wait. I feel like my summer will really get underway, ya know? I'm going to try really hard to dedicate my summer to reviving my relationship with God. Because, to be honest, it's nowhere near where it could be. Time to fix that! I know fixing my eyes on that will help alleviate some of the doubts I'm struggling with. So let's get to it, Lord! I think I'm going to refer to this summer as the summer of revival, at least in my own spiritual walk. I think we're going to get a storm tonight, I just heard thunder.

Sometimes, I feel like being angry at him would be so much easier, because then there's no room to miss him. But I can't stay angry at him, I just can't, which leaves me missing him more than I want. I just can't help how I feel, but I know as summer goes on and I dig my roots deeply and firmly in the Lord, these feelings will subside.

I'm not sure when I'll be back on here, hopefully not too long, haha. Anyway, toodles!

August, can you get here fast please?

I know I shouldn't be wishing my life away, so to speak, but I want August to get here. I feel like once I'm at camp, my summer will really be underway. I know that time will start flying. I think Sundays will be the worst days for me, because I won't be able to go to Church. Today was the first time since January that I haven't gone to Church. I don't like it. Therefore, to help a little, I am downloading a whole mess of podcasts, mostly from Abundant Life, that I can listen to. It's not the same, but it'll have to do.

I kinda feel lonely here at home. I spend hours on my computer, not even really doing anything. I feel like my days are wasted. I think every night so far, I've been in bed by midnight. Takes a lot of getting used to. I've begun re-reading The Shack, and I've realized some things I hadn't before, things I had read, but didn't really have a meaning, and now they do. My little sister wants to read it. That makes me happy. Yep yep. I think I might go take a walk. Wanna join?? Haha.

I just got a letter (sung to the tune of the Blues Clues song)

Can I freak out yet? Just got a letter from our wonderful landlord, Douglas, saying I owe 800 still by June 1st. Guess who doesn't have it??? Me! Guess who's gonna have to pay late fees?? Me! Yippee yippee joy joy. I wish there was someone I could borrow money from, but no one I know has that kind of money. I'm freakin out slightly. We're supposed to get our keys by June 1st. Can't even do that. I'm going to be pretty much poor for the next year. I can't help but think, maybe this wasn't such a good idea. I dunno. No use crying over spilled milk, I guess. Just have to see where this all goes. Hopefully, nowhere bad. Haha.

I'm going to go outside or something. Maybe gather some money from our money tree out back. Haha.

When a heart breaks, no, it don't break even

My fingers are dirty. I've been weeding my dad's gardens, just for something to do. I actually like it. There's a country gal for ya.



I want to talk to someone about everything going through my mind, but I feel like people will get sick of listening to me. I guess that's what blogging is for, hmmm? It's hard for me to listen to songs about love and guys unless it's a song like, "Bulletproof." Because when I do, I feel a small stab of pain in my heart. I know God's working on it, but I can still feel it. I want to see him, if only to see how he's holding up because I know this has to be hard for him too, but at the same time, I don't want to know. I want to email him, but at the same time, I don't want to contact him. I'm worried about next semester in the apartment, about how awkward it could potentially be. I know when I see him next, I'm going to want to hug him, and cry at the same time. Is it wrong for me to feel this way? All I need is a small trigger to put me into broken heart mode. I feel like I make no sense. But that's ok. I'm not writing this for anyone but me, as a way to get my feelings written out. Sure, we didn't spend a ton of time together, but I still cared, a lot. When we did spend time together, they were happy times. One of my only regrets is that we didn't spend more time together.

My mom just got back from the hospital. She has gauze in her nose to help control the bleeding, and there's gauze taped to her nostrils. Not a pretty sight. I just want my family to be healthy. When will the physical healing begin? When? I sense my dad's heart growing more and more bitter toward the world. When will enough be enough? These are questions that run through my mind daily. And God, I know You're the answer, but it's hard whe nthey won't even let You in, when they won't let me bring You in. It's heartbreaking.

On that note, I'm going to go weed some more.

All the Single Ladies revised

So I wrote a post and decided there was some things I didnt want in it so I deleted it and decided to wrote this one instead :D Friday night, I experienced my first break up. I should have seen it coming due to the way he had been acting toward me a couple days beforehand. When I first read the message, it hadn't hit me yet. But when I left Ryan's room and went back to my own, I re-read it and then the tears started falling. I kinda wished my roommate had been there to give me a hug and comfort me. The next day was tough. I was constantly on the verge of tears, and ready to cry at any moment. I did cry in my dad's truck on the way home but he either didn't notice or ignored it. He was mad at me, again, not really going to get into it. I got home and my youngest sister was the only one who asked me what was wrong because I seemed sad. I told her I was and she asked why but I told her I didn't want to talk about it at the moment. I lvoe her, I know this isn't right to say, but she's my fave sister.
We ate dinner and then I decided to take a walk in the woods behind my house. I had myself another cryfest and spent time listening to my Ipod and praying. God pretty much told me it would be okay and that the only man I need is Jesus. So at the moment, I am perfectly happy with not having a boyfriend. God has completely taken my tears and hurt away. Sure, I'm still a little angry, but I know in time, that too will fade.


I think it is highly unlikely I will be able to make it to Oswego this summer. The only person who I know would have been willing to take me (my older sister) plans on spending every free weekend she has at her new boyfriend's house, she met him online, ugh. I hate dating sites. So yeah. It's going to stink. I was actually kind of glad about leaving Oswego, but kind of not. One of the reasons I didn't want to no longer exists. I'm gald he did it right before we all had to leave, because it'll give me time to get over it. Someone told me his breaking up with me would be good for us. At first, it was hard for me to believe. But now I see, you were right :)

I actually had a good day today. My mom made french toast for breakfast and then we all kind of just hung out. Me and my brother and younger sister and her friend decided to play croquet. I attempted a tan at the same time. I got a little sun but not enough to make any difference, haha. Then we ate Sunday dinner, and hung out some more. It's been a very relaxing and nice day. This week I'll be spending most of my time going through my stuff and getting rid of things and packing for Camp, which I leave for on Thursday or Friday.

Peace out homies.

Fire Extinguishers Are Red

I feel empty. Lately, I feel like my heart is a shell and nothing is inside it. At prayer tonight, I didn't even feel very convicted about things, like I usually do. I feel like the fire that has been in my heart has been extinguished. I just go through my days, not really having anything to look forward to. Why can't I get myself excited for You, God? I was on fire just a week ago and now, poof, it's gone. Not cool. Reminds me of the song, "The Motions." That's where I'm at, just going through the motions.

I realized tonight I haven't forgiven her for the words she said that cut deeply into my heart. I hadn't realized just how deep those cuts ran. I find my heart is still bitter toward her. It makes me wonder if I'm as easily forgiving as people think I am.

Anyway, I have a ton to do. May the peace of the Lord be with you. And also with me. Haha.

BSR

Last night, I loved it when we were praying and then someone said something about needing a Bridge Street Revival. I really liked that. It's so true though. So many people looking to fill their emptiness with something that will only make them feel emptier. It saddens me so much. It's weird though. Like last year, I never felt as convicted about things as I have this year. Go Holy Spirit! There's a tiny part of me that wonders though.

Del Sarte Dance Recital tomorrow! I am really excited. I'm so proud of you guys (meaning Ryan, Heather, Shonda)! It's going to be amazing, and I look forward to it. You guys worked so hard. I'm happy that the DiPierro's are coming. So nice of them :)

I kind of want this next week to go by slowly. At least I get to stay until Saturday to watch my Ms. Cruz gradumatate. Bittersweet. We watched a movie today, called Hidden Secrets. It was surprisingly good. I got a little teary eyed at times, but it was overall a pretty good movie. One part that really touched me was....shoot, I forgot. Let me get back to you on that. I loved the song they sang in the dance place. Twas a good 'un. It dealt with a lot of controversial issues like premarital sex, abortion, homosexuality. I'd watch it again. Especially so I can remember my favorite part, I think it was a quote or something like that. Anyway, yeah, good movie.

Sometimes I still can't get over how much people change. Especially when you have watched that change and knew there's nothing you can do to stop it. Sometimes I get sad. Oh well. Guess all we can really do is pray for them. I guess that's all I have to say for now. Bye bye!

I love going to bed tired, but happy

I just had a bunch of stuff I wanted to blog about, but I forgot most of it. I'll start with this. I think I need prayer for spiritual discernment. There are times when I have a thought, and I'm pretty sure it's not me, but at the same time I'm unsure if it's Him. I'm not going to go into details, but there was a night a few days ago where I had a thought and I tried thinking of other possibilities, but I kept coming back to this one thought. Turns out I was right. Maybe I need to have more faith that it is Him? I dunno.

Earlier I was mad, because of the whole car thing when we were leaving the Greutmans, but I also felt bad for feeling that way. It's weird. I felt like I shouldn't have been mad, but I was.

The prayer walk last night was amazing. Hong Zhu is so incredibly amazing, I absolutely love her. I felt so convicted about my family. I've been fine just letting them live their lives in pain and worry and sadness, and it breaks my heart.

I'm just writing a lot of random things. I get sad when I think about having to leave in two weeks. I really don't want to, but I have my job back home. I'm just afraid of missing out on a lot this summer. I don't want to. I'm going to see if my sister will bring me to Oswego sometimes. I hope she does. It's going to be a rough summer. I'll just have to take it one day at a time. It'll be hard keeing in touch with everyone. Blah.

It's interesting how a person's testimony can completely change your perspective of them. It just goes to show, don't judge a book by its cover. Thursday at Bible Study. The circle part was encouraging, but the actual Bible study part, even though I'm sure it was supposed to be as well, it wasn't for me. I'v eheard we all have gifts and such. I believe it in my mind, but in my heart, not so much. It made me wonder what do I have that I bring to the group? What is my role? Where do I fit in the scheme of things? They are questions that I just keep coming back to.

I absolutely love church lately. People actually make an effort to say hi. Pastor Beaumont actually cares. He came to the picnic. That says a lot even though he didn't stay long. Anthony and Annette. I don't know what I would do without them. They are amazing and I wish they had a picture of everyone, not just the officers. Just sayin. What will be will be.

I'm tired. I'm going to go find ways to occupy myself. Toodles.