Hide and Seek

This break has been good and bad. Good because I truly felt my heart break for two different friends, for very different reasons. It's amazing how much you can learn from someone just by saying, "Hey, what's goin on?" I might not be good with giving advice but I am good at just listening and offering encouragement...I think. On Thanksgiving, as many of you know, my mom went to the hospital where at first they said she had pancreatitis, then they changed it to a hiatal hernia. She came home and rested. Today, she went back because she couldn't stand the pain. Again, they suspected pancreatitis and said she may have to stay in the hospital for a minimum of 2 weeks. Once again, they changed their minds and said she has a hiatal hernia and an infection in her esophagus, which means can't eat anything, only liquids. We went to visit her tonight, after me and my older sister got in a fight, Aladdin was involved. I threw the tv remote, it broke, my bro fixed it. My lil sis ratted on all of us. I got mad at her. We left. I'm not proud at all, it's times like those when I don't like myself. Sowe get to the hospital, I'm an emotional wreck. I wanted to pray for my mom really badly before we left, but I was cowardly and didn't. Oh well I suppose. Then we left when visiting hours were over. I have no idea why but the whole ride home, I couldn't stop crying. Even when we got home, up til like ten min ago, I was crying. I decided to read my Bible. And then I prayed hardcore. Both seemed to help quite a bit. Gotta love God!

Where did our relationship go? Where did the fun loving, happy dad I once knew go? I miss you. I think I see you, hiding behind the sadness and despair that grips his heart. The landscape around you is gray and all the nature around you is fading away and wilting. The air feels heavy and starts weighing you down. With nowhere to turn, you let it bring you down. You find yourself grasping for something, anything to keep you from going down completely. If only you knew, there is hope. And He will always hold you up, no matter how black the clouds get, it can't rain forever. If only you knew, He loves you, I love you. Just come out of that hiding place, look around you, nature is full of life, your almost dead heart beats faster. Breathe it all in. It's all for you, He gave it all to you, just close your eyes and find rest in Him, He will bring you the joy and peace and hope you have been seeking. He's waiting for you with open arms, all you have ot do is let it all go. Just let it all go. He'll take care of you. I promise, He promises. I grieve for the dad I once knew. I just want him back. It's safe, you can come out now. No longer will you have to hide in your pain, but forever, you will be able to rejoice in His presence.

I don't know how much longer I can keep this in. Usually I'm good at keeping things locked up insie but this is one thing I really want to say to you but I will not. Zip it, lock it, put it in my pcoket. And in the meantime, I will continue to turn my heart into a much better home for Him, so there's no room for anyone else, at least not until He wants me to make room.

Something new has been taunting and tempting me. I never thought I'd be the type of person to resort to it, but I was wrong. I never understood how people could get enjoyment out of it, not even enjoyment but a sort of emotional relief, but I'm beginning to understand better. But like many other temptations, I'm going to rely on God to help me resist this one. He has the strength, I most certainly do not. I haven't given in yet. And I pray I never do.

Lastly, I'm getting kind of sick of being known as the creepy one. I think I might start toning it down. So yeah.