Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Yeah, another post, but I really don't care. I need someone. Just anyone. I just need to know people care about me. No, actually, I'd rather not because I don't want to force anyone to pretend they care. This might be me being grrrr, but it's how I feel, how I've felt for a couple weeks. I just don't feel the love and concern we're all supposed to show each other, as brothers and sisters in Christ. There's so much more I want to say but I dunno. I'm so scared, I'm coming so close to giving up on God, so close. I love BASIC and Church but ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Do you wanna know why I haven't given up yet? Has nothing to do with God, it's because I don't want to have ot face the looks I'm bound to get from everyone. The awkwardness of it all. There was a line in a Tyler Perry play I was watching that I really liked. "Being saved is like a bad perm, sometimes it just doesn't work." That's me. I feel so hopelessly lost in the dark. I don't to hold on anymore, I don't want these feelings and emotions anymore. I want to be a robot, haha. Or a cat, life would be so much easier.
Side note. Tyler Perry is simply awesome. He's a Christian. He started out super super poor but he felt God telling him to hold onto his dream of being a big movie person so he did. He tried and tried again and again. It took a long time, but he never gave up. And now he directs movies, writes and directs plays, writes songs for his plays, acts in his movies and plays, has his own tv show, he's a comedian. All of his plays and most of his movies have a Christian/spiritual theme to them. Most of his movies are centered around Madea, whom he plays. Like Diary of a Mad Black Woman, Madea's Class Reunion, Madea's Family Reunion, Madea Goes to Jail, etc. I love him! You should check him out sometime :)
Anyway, so yeah. I've got nothing else to say, except maybe this chapter of my life is over. I'm tired of questioning God, of questioning my own beliefs. Maybe it's time God came looking for me, instead of me looking for Him because I'm tired of it, to put it bluntly. I'm tired of feeling like I'll never be good enough, for anyone. I'm selfish, simple as that. Too selfish to let go of everything and give it to God. I don't know if I ever will be willing to give it all up. So much more to say. But I'm done.